Top 4 tips when having a difficult conversation

Q: What happens when you put off those difficult/ challenging/ tough conversations with your colleague, manager, client or family member?

A: Well, they don’t usually go away! Rather, we tend to ruminate on them, creating psychological + physiological escalation in our mind + body which contributes to our apprehension (+ procrastination) in having them!

So, let’s get proactive and do that DC (well)!

Here are my TOP 4 TIPS WHEN HAVING A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION (DC) based on many years experience as an accredited mediator (300+ formal mediations) + team culture specialist, my study at Harvard Law School in Boston and this seminal book: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most (2011) by Stone, Patton & Heen.

TIP 1: Be mindful on how you start the conversation.

Most people begin by making the other person the problem – which is likely to create a defensive response. It is important to start the conversation by naming the issue in a neutral way - rather than a negative, problem-saturated way.

Instead of starting with 'I’d like to talk to you about you always being late to meetings',

start with …

'I’d like to talk to you about meeting times and make sure we are on the same page.'

TIP 2: Be aware of the tendency to go into a difficult conversation thinking you are right or know all the important information.?

Do you know clearly the other person's concerns, constraints or what issues are important to them and why? If not, then you don’t know all the important information. We need to go into the conversation curious and open to viewing the situation from the other person’s perspective. This approach will minimise defensiveness or an adversarial reaction in the other person.

TIP 3: Be clear on your purpose before going into the conversation.

If your purpose is to try to win, persuade, trick or force the other – then the conversation is unlikely to go well. Again, it will create a defensive response in the other person. Stone et al recommend instead that your initial purpose is to understand their perspective, the impact and what they see is important. Then it is about you sharing the same. Once you both understand where each other is coming from then it is about finding mutual solutions or agreements that are going to work for both sides. Correspondingly, this is exactly what we do in a mediation - ensuring both sides listen to understand the issues and then finding a way forward that will meet both parties’ needs.

TIP 4: Be able to manage your emotions in the conversation!?

This is a challenging one as this needs to be done in the moment – during the conversation. It will help being clear prior to the conversation on what your intent is and how the situation has impacted you. It is also important to prepare your openness to hearing their experience and being clear about how you will manage and/ or express any emotions that arise during the conversation. How can you express them in a constructive, non-blaming way??

There is lots more to difficult conversations than we often think, including how to manage challenging behaviours during the conversation (e.g. diverting the topic, blaming, escalating, denial, shutting down, etc). Doing them well can create connection and build understanding, doing them poorly can result in increased conflict and further divide.

So, how can I assist you + your team?

To learn a great model + increase confidence in having difficult conversations, I offer the following options:

In-House Training Workshops: A 1-day session to meet the DC learning needs of your team/s (virtual or in-person delivery).

Open Training Workshops: A 1-day session to meet the DC learning needs of professionals across all sectors (virtual delivery).

Conference Keynotes: A 60-90 minute session at your next conference or staff development day to share the DC blueprint - with fun! (in-person or virtual delivery)

Message via LinkedIn if you are interested and/ or have any queries.?

Until then, enjoy your conflict!?

Scott ??

PS See video below for my top 4 tips!