Top 10 Transformative Lessons from The Courage to Be Disliked

The book The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga has been celebrated for its profound and transformative ideas, presented in the form of a dialogue between a philosopher and a youth. It introduces the concepts of Alfred Adler's Individual Psychology in a conversational and accessible way.

Here are top 10 lessons from the book.

1. You Are Not Determined by Your Past

Your past experiences do not dictate your future. What matters is how you interpret and use those experiences in the present. Adlerian psychology rejects aetiology (cause-based thinking), which focuses on the past as the source of current problems, in favor of teleology (goal-based thinking), which emphasizes the purpose of behaviors in the present. You have the freedom to choose your path and make changes at any time.

2. People Create Their Own Problems

Problems are often self-created as excuses to avoid facing challenges or taking responsibility. According to teleology, behaviors and emotions, such as anxiety or avoidance, are purposeful and serve specific goals, such as avoiding failure or difficult situations. Recognizing this allows you to address these barriers and take control of your life.

3. All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

Most personal struggles stem from difficulties in dealing with others. Adlerian psychology argues that life’s primary challenges revolve around relationships. Improving your relationships and understanding their dynamics can resolve many issues.

4. Anger is a Choice, Not a Necessity

Anger is not an instinctive emotion but a tool people use to achieve goals like control or avoidance. Recognizing this empowers you to respond constructively and break free from reactive patterns. Through teleology, you can see that anger often serves a specific purpose, such as manipulating or influencing others, and choose alternative responses. Additionally, refraining from criticism in power struggles aligns with choosing constructive actions over anger, fostering healthier and more productive interactions.

5. The Goal of Life is to Find Meaning

Life’s purpose isn’t about achieving superiority or wealth. It’s about finding meaning through personal growth, contributing to the well-being of others, and fostering connections. This aligns with the teleological perspective that every action should serve a meaningful purpose.

6. Happiness Comes From Contribution

True happiness is derived from feeling useful and contributing to the welfare of others. A sense of community and belonging is central to a fulfilling life. Adlerian psychology emphasizes that happiness is not found in competition but in cooperation and connection.

7. Separation of Tasks

Distinguish what is your responsibility and what belongs to others. Focus only on your tasks, and let others handle theirs. This creates healthier boundaries and simplifies life. Through this lens, you can understand that much of life’s stress arises from taking on tasks that are not yours to manage. Additionally, admitting mistakes without viewing them as defeats helps clarify these boundaries, fostering healthier relationships and reducing unnecessary conflict. what is your responsibility and what belongs to others.

8. Don’t Live to Satisfy Others’ Expectations

Living authentically requires you to stop prioritizing the approval of others. Strive to live according to your own values, even if it means facing disapproval. The teleological view suggests that seeking approval is a purposive action to gain acceptance, which can be let go when you focus on self-acceptance.

9. The Courage to Be Disliked

Authenticity and self-acceptance demand the courage to be disliked by some. You don’t need universal approval to lead a meaningful and fulfilling life. This courage comes from embracing the teleological approach—focusing on what aligns with your purpose rather than on pleasing others.

10. Live in the Present Moment

Avoid dwelling on past regrets or future anxieties. Focus on what you can do right now to improve your life and relationships. Teleology emphasizes the present because it’s the only time you can take meaningful action and make purposeful choices.

These ideas reflect the core principles of Adlerian psychology as presented in the book, encouraging readers to take responsibility, embrace authenticity, and create a meaningful life through personal growth and contribution.