Top 10 Life Mistakes That Thwart Our Success and Happiness The Most

Part of Kathy Caprino's series "Becoming The Most Powerful and Confident You"

Thirteen years ago, I published a post called “My 52 Mistakes ” about the worst missteps I’d taken in my life, and what I’d learned from them.?At that time, I was compelled to share these 52 learnings, because after living through the pain and struggle that emerged from these “mistakes” and trying to undo the havoc they wreaked on my life, I wanted to help others avoid them at all costs.?People have written me from all over the world about how these mistakes resonate with them deeply too, and mirror their own life experiences.

Truth be told, I don’t really believe in the notion of irrevocable “mistakes” because I’ve seen that everything that happens to us can be used for our highest good, if we learn the right lessons from them and integrate those positive learnings for our highest growth.

That said, there are, without doubt, error-ridden decisions we make or directions we follow (or people or work situations we stay connected to) that can lead to disaster, pain, sadness, and loss.?

But if we don’t understand the root causes and influences (and mindsets) behind these crushing detours from our highest and happiest path, we’re doomed to repeat them.

If I boil down my own biggest mistakes along with the missteps others have shared with me that caused them the deepest pain, the top 10 would be these:

#1: Not comprehending your own unique value and how you matter in the world -- including what you’re capable of, and those special talents and gifts you possess that can help others

After reviewing thousands of responses to an eye-opening Career Path Self-Assessment survey I've created that I ask all my clients to complete, I can see how the vast majority of us don’t have a clue about our unique value, talents and potential positive impact in the world. In fact, in my recent?Power Gaps Survey , 63% of the over 1,500 women globally who took the survey shared that they are experiencing what I call?Power Gap #1: Not Recognizing Your Special Talents, Abilities and Accomplishments.

Here's more about that gap:

We’re often crushed down by demoralizing experiences in our jobs and relationships, and we forget (or actually have never really seen) how our talents, abilities, and passions are unique and so needed in the world. For 18 years in my corporate life, I never once had a glimpse of what I was truly capable of being, doing and creating.?It was only when the Universe kindly stepped in and helped me get ejected from my deeply unhappy corporate existence that I finally “got it” and transformed my life and career.

From my view, and working with thousands of professionals around the world, not understanding what you’re capable of, and how the world needs you and your talents and insights, is the most crippling of all mistakes that keeps people locked in unhappy and destructive experiences, jobs and relationships for years.

#2: Associating with and trusting the wrong people

There is no question that the people we associate with, and those we allow ourselves to be in relationship with, dramatically shape who we are and what happens to us.

If the people around you don’t value, respect or care for you, or if they live by values that are in stark contrast to yours (and make your heart and soul ache), your life can’t be what you dream it to be.

And this includes your?narcissistic boss , toxic colleagues, demeaning "friends" and more. If you want to soar like an eagle, then you have to take that huge leap of faith to surround yourself with eagles -- those people who are not only doing what you dream to be doing, but doing it in a way that inspires, thrills and uplifts you.

In our personal lives, if we remain connected with people who chronically hurt and demean us, or violate our boundaries, or do everything they can to put us down, we will dramatically limit our ability to experience true happiness.

#3: Letting your beliefs and fears around money stop you from living full out

More than 75% of the clients and colleagues I’ve connected with over the past 5 years have a challenged relationship with money or some form of financial confusion or difficulty from their past. These challenges, mindsets, fears and blocks don't just happen to people who are struggling to earn enough money. I’ve worked with scores of people who’ve earned or inherited millions of dollars yet they don’t feel they deserve it, feel terribly guilty about it, or feel like impostors. And many people who have a lot of money are still trapped by debilitating fears of scarcity.?

Still others struggle to believe that a happier life or career is in the cards for them, despite having fantastic credentials and experiences. And many dream of better jobs and livelihoods but sabotage their own growth because of intense risk-aversion and deep fear around needing “security” and “safety” from money.

Until you can untangle and heal your money story and your relationship with money, and stop viewing money as a ruthless ruler in your life that you need to worship daily, you won’t achieve what you dream to.

#4: Comparing yourself to others in ways that crush your confidence and life energy

I’m a fan of healthy competition and believe it can absolutely fuel positive growth. But relentless comparing ourselves to others and continually feeling “less than” ruins our lives.?

If you’re obsessively comparing yourself to others — other business people, colleagues, peers, family members, etc. — and?believing that you're coming up short , your life will be drained of the confidence, energy and vibrancy you need to move forward.

#5: Refusing to learn the empowering lessons your life is trying to teach

When we’re going through painful, crushing times, there are critical lessons we’re meant to learn, but many of us fail to get these lessons. We miss the point entirely. In fact, if you feel constant regret and shame about what you should have done in the past, you’re failing to learn the right lessons.?

I failed to learn, for instance, that my deep unhappiness in my corporate career wasn’t because I wasn’t “good enough,” but because I was constantly pointed in the wrong direction, working on business outcomes that didn't feel meaningful or contributive in the world, and I worked with people who operated in ways I didn't respect.?

Here's more about how to learn the "right" lessons that will uplift you:

The right lessons empower, uplift and strengthen ?you, not push you down.?If we don’t shift and change, and learn from what’s happening to us in new, empowering ways, we’ll simply continue to bloody our heads against the same brick walls.?We’ve got to learn new lessons and modify how we operate in the world in ways that thrill and uplift us, or we’ll never break the cycles of pain that we continually co-create.

#6: Not understanding that you are separate from your thoughts

We are not our thoughts, and our thoughts don’t have to rule and control us. But they will control us if we have no awareness of what we are thinking and why.?

Learning to separate yourself from your thoughts is life-changing. Mediation is an instrumental tool for that, that can transform your life in many ways. (For more info, start by checking out the great work of Lodro Rinzler ?for beginning meditation support and read my interview with?Jay Shett y about his book?Think Like a Monk).?

The key is to learn to observe our thoughts yet create a separation from them so that with greater awareness and intentionality, we can choose how we want to react and behave in the world.?If we never gain awareness of what we’re thinking and why, we’re powerless to shape our reactions and behaviors.

#7: Letting your ego and your need to be right destroy your peace, well-being and connection with others

Our egos, and our need to defend our thoughts, values, and positions, can be healthy and helpful. But often our egos run wild, and?unchecked narcissistic urges can make us react in ways that burn bridges, sever helpful ties, and thwart our growth.?If you’re constantly looking for validation that you’re “right,” important, valuable, and if you feel the urge to drum out of existence people who don’t agree with you or who challenge you, your ego needs some work .

After all, we simply can’t build the life we dream of if we cut off and alienate all those who challenge us and ask us to stretch beyond who we are today.

(For a look at 6 toxic behaviors that push people away and how to recognize them in yourself, check out this post .)

#8: Ignoring the messages your body is sharing

After experiencing long-term chronic illness (in the form of terribly painful and debilitating infections of my trachea every few months for four years during my unhappy corporate life), I finally learned this:

Your body says what your lips cannot.

If we ignore the messages our bodies are trying to tell us, we’ll suffer, and continue to struggle, until we listen and learn and change how we're operating. And if we’re hoping to live a beautifully happy, prosperous and fulfilling life but fail to give our physical bodies what they need to be healthy and supported, we’ll struggle to have the energy and vitality we need to live as we long to.

Several years ago, I interviewed Dr. Neha Sangwan , author of TalkRx: Five Steps to Honest Conversations That Create Connection, Health, and Happiness who shared her powerful experiences and learnings as an emergency room doctor. Here's what she shared:

"My job was to get them through their acute health crisis. Yet I often saw them return a year or two later with yet another heart attack, pneumonia or physical illness. I realized I wasn’t getting to the root of what was really making them sick.

So I got curious and the night before I planned to discharge a patient from the hospital, I would pull out my prescription pad and write five questions to prompt them to discover the links between their physical health and the other aspects of their lives. I call it the?Awareness Prescription:

1. Why this?
2. Why now?
3. What signals might you have missed?
4. What else in your life needs to be healed?
5. If you spoke from the heart, what would you say?

Once they connected the dots, they could easily pinpoint their greatest stress and tell me exactly why they were sick."

#9: Failing to stretch beyond who you think you are and what you’re comfortable with

In an interview I conducted with Herminia Ibarra on?How Authenticity Can Keep Professionals From Growing Into Effective Leaders , I realized even more acutely how an over-attachment to “authenticity” can actually keep us from stretching and moving forward.

If we stay only where we feel comfortable, even with regard to our self-identity, we’ll never get to the new destination that we dream of, because we fear it’s not who we “really are” yet.?The deep longing to stay put, and to feel “comfort” and “security,” in the end, can create the most painful type of discomfort – the realization that we failed to fulfill our highest goals and potential. As Amy Cuddy shares in her powerful TED Talk?Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are , at times you have to be it until you become it.

And sometimes your "gut reaction" or "instinct" that tells you to avoid change and growth is NOT your intuition, but just plain fear .

#10: Not doing the inner work to create the outer life you dream?of

Finally, I learned this during my time as a marriage and family therapist, and I’ve seen it in my own life and in thousands of others I coach:

If you refuse to do the inner work on yourself to become stronger, wiser, braver, more powerful and less reactive, then the outer experiences in your life will fail to satisfy you.?

A happy, joyful and fulfilling life takes work, and it starts with inner work – on your thoughts, insecurities, reactivity, negative mindsets, and fears. Without the inner work, you can't grow.

If what’s in front of you is making you unhappy, you first have to look inward to explore your part in it (we aren't just random observers in life -- we co-create and actively participate in what happens to us and what we attract, invite and allow).

If you refuse to identify how you’re co-creating your problems and your unhappiness, and won't do the work to shift it, you’ll continue to bring into your life exactly the same results you've always had.?And those won’t bring the peace, joy, and fulfillment you ache for, or that your heart and soul deserve.??

So many people have deep regrets about how they've lived and behaved and what they've done or haven't done, but don't do anything about them. Those regrets can grow and bring deep pain when we're nearing the end of our lives.

In a powerful Finding Brave podcast and interview with Bronnie Ware about her instrumental work and book Top Five Regrets of the Dying , Bronnie shared this:

The regrets of the dying helped me understand how sacred time is. I realized that the pain of breaking through any amount of resistance would never be as heart-wrenching as lying on my deathbed with regrets. This has propelled an ever-expanding habit of courage that has shown me how we are all so much more capable than we realize. We just need the courage to get out of our own way.

A powerful way to "get out of our own way" is to start doing the inner work necessary to heal and grow. Take the time today to recognize if you're facing any of the 7 damaging power and confidence gaps that block so many of us from creating life and work as we truly want it.

Once you realize which gaps are in the way of a happier life for you today, take one, doable microstep to address and close those gaps for good.

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For more about how to overcome these 10 life mistakes and close your power and confidence gaps, take Kathy's brief Power Gap Survey , and read her book?The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss .

And download Kathy's free 7-Day Power Boost Challenge workbook here . In addition, tune into Kathy's biweekly Finding Brave podcast , ranked in the Top 200 Apple Career Podcasts globally, and take her course The Most Powerful You .