This Too Shall Pass

Where is the NCT but for the midlife years, that's what I want to know.

I saw one of my bests yesterday, she was part of a workshop talking about menopause that I went along to because, who doesn't need to think, talk and know more about menopause at this stage in life?

It was a great workshop, an opportunity to talk and listen to other women in the same situation. Squashed and squeezed between kids getting older, parents needing a bit more support, while you are still trying to make a living and make sense of what is going on today with your mind, body, relationships.

The one constant in all of this, is the fact that nothing is constant.

Related to this, I led a workshop this week looking at AI and women and all the reasons why

a) it's not going away any time soon

b) we need to get on board the bus and try and influence how it's used

c) you get out what you put in, and if the foundations are conceived, created and curated by a bunch of powerful white tech bros then no shizz, it needs other voices, ethics, governance in order to stop perpetuating the baked in inequities

It was therefore timely to get a message this weekend from a midlife friend applying for jobs, and noticing how much quicker the process has become from application to notification of interview or rejection. The jobs that they are well qualified for, sometimes more than, that are no longer resulting in shortlisting for interviews. Is it an age thing ? is it an experience thing ? is it an AI thing ?

Most likely, Yes. AI is the reason why, a managers dream, to be served up a list of brilliant candidates who tick all the boxes, without having to sift through the 1732 other applications. Its efficiency but at what cost. So, yes, you are getting through the applications quicker, most of whom are also now being created using AI. Robots talking to robots in order to work out which humans are fit to be interviewed for the job. Its quicker, and time saving, but who and what are we missing along the way.

The reality is that things might be getting easier while simultaneously getting harder.

So the NCT thing, for the midlife years and this too shall pass.

I've talked in recent months about the midlife collision that is going on in my own life right now. Without getting into the detail, it's fair to say that navigating the older teen years, when you have to take away the guard rails, with a neurodivergent young person who isn't always the most receptive !, across two households and four adults, while your 3 hour round trip away parents are needing some extra support, with a sibling who resides 1000s of miles away, while you and your husband are running busy businesses, and you've another child to help keep on track with the start of GCSEs and the ongoing menopause merriment and its a lot.

It's feeling like a lot, and that's just the bits I've highlighted here. I've not even mentioned the autism ADHD assessment with its never-ending paperwork and unearthing of EVERYTHING. The point though, is that we all have our shizzle going on in the background and it's not always clear what tomorrow will bring on any of it.

For the first time this week I thought, thank goodness I don't still have one of those big show up jobs as I actually don't think I could do it right now. I'm very grateful to have a busy business that I can run quite happily, and flex my diary according to what I need to do and when.

I've noticed that my world has shrunk, my creativity feels non-existent, I'm not planning much fun, I'm not having a great deal of fun, I'm not seeing much of my friends, or making any new ones. The only people I'm routinely in touch with at the moment are the friendships that can survive on a diet of the swapping of instagram memes, whatsapp messages, voice notes on a good day and the occasional meet up. I'm not really answering those messages that say can we, shall we, isn't it time that we......

It's trenches time and the only relationships that will survive are the ones that can go with the flow for a bit and understand that lack of contact doesn't mean lack of care.

There is a difference though, a big one, which is actually what led me here, to this keyboard this sunny Sunday morning. For the first time in forever, I find myself working out what I actually need to do to support myself as this storm wends its way through. What self-care do I need to put in my diary, how can I make eating well as easy as possible, when am I going to keep learning to play the piano, what do I need to organise that can help me keep physically fit, how can I create time to write and paint, which relationships do I actually need and want to invest in, and which are going to have to look after themselves for a bit. What is my minimum effective dose of self-care that is non-negotiable?

This is new for me and I can only assume that the years of talking about this stuff, about getting external help with this stuff, helping clients with this stuff, and more recently learning in a more focused way about burnout have sunk in.

I'm no longer gritting my teeth, putting my head down to the wind and popping more lippy and concealer on. I'm practicing what I preach. I'm putting on my own oxygen mask first. I'm saying out loud that I'm fundamentally fine, but that I need to put myself and my family and the work that keeps us all in tea bags first. I'm saying no, not now.

Which brings me back to this too shall pass. Which is what the best that I saw yesterday said to me. This too shall pass.

I laughed but not before she saw the tears in my eyes. I said you first said that to me when I was in the newborn trenches 17 years ago, with a colicy baby, that I was up feeding night after night after night. Making sense of why the much wanted motherhood, the loneliness of maternity leave, the whole shizz show of my post c section body, all felt so difficult and exhausting. Alongside with my new NCT friends that were navigating it at the same time. This too shall pass. And it did.

And it's the same for most things isn't it. Jobs, situations, tricky people, places, changes, challenges. They might feel acute and unsurvivable in the heat of the moment, but they pass.

Don't they ?