Too Nice or Too Aggressive? How to Manage Conflicts Effectively

During a conflict mediation session between two colleagues, I observed a 50-year-old woman who had raised two children of her own, built a house and had many other achievements in her life. Despite her height of 1.75 meters, she appeared to have shrunk down to half her size. She was trembling, with tense shoulders, an unsure gaze, and a low-hanging chin. It felt like I saw the 7 year old version of her.

In contrast to the woman's trembling and unsure demeanor, her counterpart was almost the opposite. He appeared to be superior and in control, but also seemed irritated by her submissive behavior. He spoke to her with an aggressive tone and an exaggerated accusatory look, demanding to know what was going on in her "little head." His posture was rigid and authoritarian, conveying a sense of dominance over the situation...

This is a common situation in both the workplace and private life.

Some people react to conflicts with aggression and pushiness, while others respond reflexively by being overly nice and patient. When looking to develop your own ability to regulate yourself in conflicts, it’s wise to start here. You should be able to decide whether to strengthen or weaken the conflict, to escalate or de-escalate it, to expand or limit it.

Why is it not wise to only try to de-escalate conflicts?

Look at our current world leaders; many are using escalating strategies to bring their agendas forward. You can’t always try to de-escalate with aggressive counterparts. You need to be able to fight fire with fire if necessary. Fire is strength, water is coolness.

Of course, a peaceful solution is always the highest goal. But if I always just give in, then abusive people will continue to take advantage of it.

Mahatma Gandhi's non-violent methods during the fight for independence and the women who fought for voting rights are examples where strength needed to be shown from the inside and outside.

To stick with the cooking metaphor, managing conflicts is like being a master chef: stirring up a conflict and then reducing the heat gradually to blend the flavors into the best possible outcome.

Signs that someone is too much of the extreme

Take some time to consider the statements and questions presented here. Allow yourself to be honest and don't sugarcoat anything. If you don’t know the answers, ask people close to you; they can usually provide good insights. The answers will likely vary depending on the situation. Perhaps you react differently in private than in a professional setting, or you behave differently with children than with adults or superiors. It’s possible that certain guiding processes stand out as exceptions. It can be useful to think about these differences.

Signs Someone is Too Nice:

1. Constant Agreeing: They always agree with others, even when they have different opinions, avoiding any conflict or disagreement.
2. Difficulty Saying No: They struggle to say no to requests, often overextending themselves to please others.
3. Over-Apologizing: They frequently apologize, even when they haven’t done anything wrong, often to keep the peace.
4. Suppressing Their Needs: They often put their own needs and desires aside to accommodate others, sometimes to their own detriment.
5. Avoiding Confrontation: They go out of their way to avoid any kind of conflict, even if it means ignoring problems that need to be addressed.

Signs Someone is Too Aggressive:

1. Interrupting Others: They frequently interrupt or talk over others, dominating conversations without letting others share their views.
2. Quick to Anger: They have a short temper and are easily provoked, reacting with anger or frustration in situations that don’t warrant it.
3. Imposing Their Will: They insist on getting their way, often disregarding others' opinions or feelings.
4. Using Intimidation: They may use threats, harsh language, or intimidating behavior to assert control or influence others.
5. Frequent Conflicts: They often find themselves in arguments or conflicts with others, suggesting they may be too confrontational or aggressive in their interactions.

Can you spot some of those signs in yourself or in others? Do you tend to be too nice/passive/soft or too aggressive/pushy/harsh? The most effective communicators can switch between both extremes, showing strength when needed and compassion if possible. Finally, they will arrive somewhere in the middle.

The essential question is whether you have the competence to balance behaviors of both extremes when necessary.

If you want to learn more about yourself and strengthen your conflict competencies, have a look at my next open workshop about "the art of conflict" on November 9th and 10th. in The Hague.

https://www.dhirubhai.net/events/theartoftheconflict-communicati7235215095318892545/