(Too Much) Life and Work

Working lives make up two-thirds of our waking lives.

Yet plenty of life happens outside of work. It’s also the life that matters most. A life that is deeply personal and profoundly potent in impacting who we are, what we find meaningful and how we show up anywhere.

Life happens! And it doesn’t always happen in neat order, in ones, or even in twos, but it happens in threes, fours, and even in an avalanche.

Some of us may be protagonists in our sitcoms of mishaps and misfortunes, as if on a mission to test the boundaries of Murphy’s Law, pushing the limits of what one person could endure.

In the last few months, I shared some deeply personal and painful life experiences, including intimate partner violence and miscarriage . Unfortunately, those were paired with other major adverse life events, including separation, job loss, lawsuits, illnesses, and moving homes, not once but thrice.

Any of these events would be considered a Major Life Event (MLE) as studied in Work Psychology, capable of impacting one’s life, attitude towards life and work, and relationship with other people and events.

Any of these experiences could disrupt one’s routines and change the course of one’s life. That’s the power that each of these life events holds.

Now consider the compounding impact of experiencing multiple MLEs in close succession.

What if some of those events were experienced during the pandemic, with the added despair and risk of isolation and disconnection?

Like a storm that rages on, the cumulative effect of multiple losses can leave a person feeling battered and exhausted, as if the elements are relentlessly pummeling them. They may struggle to find solace as the storm engulfs their world and obscures any glimmer of hope or relief.

I bet you know someone who experienced one or more of life’s slings and arrows, possibly in close succession.

Maybe you faced hardships through the pandemic that carried a heavy emotional weight. And what if that toll, unfortunately, continues post-pandemic?

Internally, you may have grappled with the challenges and silently endured a storm of emotions. But from the outside, everything appears normal as you put on a brave face and persevere through all your responsibilities at home and work.

We don’t see life coming.

We don’t get the map.

We plan, but the plan burns up.

None of us can endure that level of emotional labour forever.

And while it sounds very depressing, we are also inherently resilient and can find ways to rebuild hope and our futures when ready.

However, that readiness may differ for each person based on their unique circumstances, personality, support system, and experiences. No one can decide what ready looks like for another and when someone’s ready to move forward.

But once ready, I found working through the following three questions valuable in getting unstuck and creating a forward movement that should benefit anyone ready to move forward.

1.????What do I want?

It takes courage to dream of a better future—a future that is possibly in stark contrast to your current state or past life. But that courage, when exercised, unleashes the hope and motivation necessary to break the inertia and build momentum. The response to this question provides the purpose that steers you forward and helps you persevere through the resistance that will emerge from disrupting your status quo. The more clear, concrete, and detailed the answer, the better!

2.????What is within my control?

By establishing boundaries based on what is within our control, we create a framework that ensures our goals are reasonable, actionable, and adaptable. These boundaries provide the necessary pressure that shapes our aspirations, making them realistic and achievable. They help us stay motivated, navigate challenges effectively, and ultimately increase the likelihood of successfully reaching our desired outcomes.

3.????What is the smallest possible action I could take immediately that could move me forward?

It's prudent and compassionate to start gently when disrupting our homeostasis and slowly exercising our agency. Identifying and acting on the smallest first step disrupts the inertia and builds the necessary momentum to move forward. There’s ample evidence (e.g., Amabile & Kramer, 2011; Martin, Goldstein, & Cialdini, 2014; Clear, 2018) demonstrating the power of small steps in breaking through inertia and sparking big influence in creating desired future.

These questions aren’t brain surgery; they’re more like advanced finger painting. Their magic hides behind their simplicity and can be unleashed when answered honestly, completely and clearly.

Like Newton’s three laws of motion, responses to these questions should help build and move one forward and out of the muck they’ve been stuck in.

However, continuing to move forward requires expecting and accepting the resistance one will experience in disrupting the status quo of dealing with the compounding debilitation of Too Much Life, just like Newton’s third law states that there is an equal and opposite reaction for every action.

So, persevere.

Let the desired future pull you forward. Expend your precious energy on pulling you towards an exciting or at least a better future rather than pushing the difficult past away.

It takes sustained effort and a series of actions to maintain and build upon that initial progress. And, of course, it helps greatly to have a support system (faith, family, friends, counsellors, coaches) that support you as you persevere. I recognize my great fortune to have all of the above that helped build and sustain my fortitude through Too Much Life.

Most people don't share Too Much Life stories at work

Most people may never share with their professional network the life they are managing or coping outside of work. After all, there are practical risks in disclosing personal and private information.

Others may feel overwhelmed by “Too Much Life (TML)” and worry that it may come across as “Too much information (TMI),” leaving others unsure of how best to respond to or reciprocate that shared vulnerability.

Furthermore, people may worry about being judged or stigmatized if they disclose their hardships, while others may not perceive appropriate support from their colleagues and bosses.

And then, there are cross-cultural beliefs about the need to keep personal matters separate from work.

But people don’t have to offer details of their personal lives for everyone else to practice compassion and kindness.

“Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

We may not know the legitimate source of the quote above, but it’s a universal idea and an invitation to emphasize the importance of empathy, compassion and understanding toward others.

I find the following visual compelling, and it beautifully reinforces the point above!!!

You may agree with the above and yet roll your eyes at the plea for practicing kindness. You want something more concrete. Something tangible. Here it is.

Can you be an empathetic witness?

Life will happen to all of us at different paces and magnitudes. It will happen, nevertheless.

One of my favourite writers, Maria Popova, eloquently reminded us: “To know yourself is to know that you are not an unassailable fixity amid the entropic storm of the universe but a set of fragilities in constant flux. To know yourself is to know that you are not invulnerable.”

If we all are vulnerable, how could a workplace buffer against that fluid vulnerability? Through genuine human connection and compassion.

Organizations act prudently when they recognize human vulnerability as not an accommodation but part of the psychological contract between employees and organizations. The bottom line heavily depends on the employees’ presence and capacity to contribute creatively and passionately.

When employees feel supported, they are also more likely to be motivated, productive, and committed to their work. When that support is received from the leaders and peers, it creates a culture of belonging and authenticity where human values get lived and honoured.

Yet most leaders and peers experience fear and discomfort in talking to others facing adversity in their personal lives. What if, instead, you exercised the courage to check in, truly and humanly?

As a (direct) manager, below are some ideas.

“As your manager, I want you to let me know if you need some time off or any other accommodation that would support you. I may not always be able to meet every accommodation request, but I promise to do my best in exploring ways to support you.”

“I’ve noticed you’ve missed deadlines over the last few weeks. Is everything okay? How can I support you?”

“I appreciate how you continue to be a rockstar at work despite everything you’ve shared that you’re dealing with at home; please let me know how I can support you.”

Not a direct manager? Try these.

“I’m not sure what’s the right thing to say, but I’ve noticed you are not your typical self. Would you like to talk?”

“I felt that your comment in the team meeting had a sense of despair. I may be wrong but I thought I’d check in and see if you are okay.”

“I know we haven’t discussed our personal lives before, but I appreciated your sharing what’s happening in your life. Please know that I will hold this information confidential.”

I’m no expert on trauma. But I believe in Dr. Peter Levine’s definition of trauma. Exercising fundamental human values, we can offer to be empathetic witnesses to others if they take us up on our offer. Many people may not. But all of those people will indeed feel grateful for that considerate offer.

A workplace that expects and accepts that life happens to all of us earns unparalleled loyalty and contributions from all its members through their respective work life cycles. So let's audaciously be more human to everyone (experiencing (too much) life).

On a platform like LinkedIn, where we document and share most of our career transitions and successes, I’d love to hear a balanced perspective of when and how you overcame adversities to get where you are today.

Please share your strategies and insights for others to build their toolkit for when life happens, especially when Too Much Life happens all at once or in close succession.