Too close for comfort

I awoke the other morning with the phrase 'Too Close for Comfort' running across my mind like tickertape.

I have learned over the past few years that when this happens, there is something to pay attention to and explore. Rather than questioning or delving into why the tickertape appeared now, I decided to go with the flow and discover what it might mean for me and we introverts.

So here we are and welcome to my thoughts.

The first place I go will be no surprise to many introverts reading this as it's about physical space. I for one am extremely uncomfortable with people I don’t know or have a bad feeling about being too close to me physically.

Call me fickle, but it's by no means all strangers, and there are some people I know quite well who I physically distance myself from when they loom large over me.

I used to regularly commute using London underground, and if any of you have had that pleasure, you'll know that in the summer it gets really unpleasant. Couple that with my face being armpit height to most people and the unpleasantness is multiplied by a factor of at least 10 at the end of a summer's day.

Now, I may be short in stature but I am not weedy, so I developed the ability to bulk myself out so no-one could encroach into my personal bubble. I thoroughly recommend this technique to others like me who find that some get too close for comfort.

Next on my list is something a little more nebulous. It's the ever-present draw for those of us with ambitions and untapped potential to behave in ways that align with the extravert ideal that organisations prize so highly. The construct we are fed as introverts is 'If you're serious about succeeding, you need to be more visible, fearlessly outspoken and fiercely competitive.'? In other words, you have to conform to the bias to stand a chance of promotion.

It takes a strong will, integrity and courage to stay aligned with your values when someone starts with 'If you're serious …' and tries to separate you from who you authentically are, a strong, thoughtful, resourceful introvert.

Many of you know that earlier in my career, during those formative years in corporate, I found this draw too seductive to resist. So for nearly two decades I pretended to be someone I wasn't in order to fit in & get on. The strategy worked but the cost to me personally was too great; burnout and a sickening feeling of inauthenticity. I felt like I hit a wall, slipped down it until I was a crumpled heap at the bottom, and was left feeling helpless, like I had nowhere left to go.

These days, I can 'extravert' when the situation really demands it, we can all flex our behaviour if needs be, but I am now sensitive to the feeling of 'too close for comfort' that comes from behaving this way for too long. I know that I could easily be drawn back there, but for the sake of my integrity and wellbeing, I know when and how to pull back.?

The third instance where I know I have felt this is when I've experienced Imposter Syndrome or imposter phenomenon as I prefer to think of it. This is where we question our abilities and our right to take our place in a certain setting or have a seat at, for example, the leadership table. So many introverts experience this having had years or decades of being criticised for being who they are.

I have shared before how much earlier in my career, I pulled back from some pretty awesome opportunities for fear that I would be found out as a fraud. In my decision making to pull-out, I had that "phew - that was a close thing!" feeling. There has been some great work done recently about this and we now understand just how many people, at all levels in an organisation, experience feeling like an imposter.

Ironically, one of the ways through the imposter phenomenon is to work at our learning edge and allow ourselves to feel vulnerable, so this fourth aspect is both cause of discomfort and remedy.

Vulnerability is something I've had to learn and learn the hard way. I thank Brené Brown for helping me to reframe vulnerability and realise just what a powerful quality it can be.

It's not unusual for introverts to experience a vulnerability hangover after we have shared more about ourselves than we had planned to. The self-doubt and associated discomfort that this elicits has us running for the hills or back deep within our comfort zones. That is not the answer though.

I have found that staying present and being with my vulnerability has helped massively. The discomfort lessens and no-one has died. If people have chosen to unfollow me or distance themselves from my work because of it, that's ok. My work benefits those introverts who can share their whole self with me, not a glossy facade.?

?My final instance for this nudge relates to trust. I am that person who naturally trusts from the outset until it's proven that I shouldn't trust someone.

?Has this caught me out sometimes? Yep!

• I have believed people's promises yet found that they were hollow and flimsy once I scratched the surface.?
• I invested money badly and had to write it off, and that was investing in a well-known entrepreneur's global portfolio
• and I realised that not everyone has honourable intentions, so to them, I was a soft touch and to you I might seem gullible.?

Does that make me want to change my stance on trust? Nope.

And here's why.

Living life distrusting everyone seems a bleak prospect to me and it's not a world or mindset I want to inhabit. Sure, some have taken advantage of my good nature and rather than getting all bitter and twisted, I choose to learn. Rather than getting angry and wanting revenge, as some tried to guide me, I? choose to get wiser and more attuned to my intuition.

It's why I take my time making certain decisions because I want to check in with my whole self. I am not an objection to be overcome and giving me more information isn't the answer. Giving me time and space is.

When I get a whiff of insincerity, of trying too hard to 'close' me, and of incongruence between words and body language, I'm out as the dragons on Dragon's Den say. And, like them, I don’t necessarily owe you an explanation either.?

Now, if you're wondering why the phrase 'too close to comfort' was on my mind, so am I.

?And yet, I'm not really worried about the why.

The biggest ah-ha for me in this nudge has come from realising the importance of allowing others to feel into their own 'too close for comfort' factors. Whether that be their physical space being invaded, the danger of succumbing to the extravert ideal, the uncomfortable experience of imposter phenomenon, the exposed feeling of vulnerability or the bruising that comes from misplaced trust.

My role as their coach, mentor and in some cases their friend is to hold the space for them to? be with these things and then to help them to establish what to do when close enough becomes too close. The answer, counterintuitively, is not to contract, but to become more quietly expansive. To intentionally move from feeling frustrated to opening up to flourishing.?

But as the artwork in my dear friends' house states so clearly,

No Risk, No Story.

Well said James McQueen, and having danced at my learning edge, rather than wallowing in a pit of my own frustration, do I have some stories to tell!