Tongue Fu! Tips for Turkey Dinners

Headed to a Thanksgiving gathering this weekend? Concerned things will be tense and that everyone will be Talking on Eggshells?

Join the club. As one woman told me, "I'm worried things are going to blow up. We have vastly different views about lots of important issues. Help?"

Can you relate? If so, you might want to try some Tongue Fu!

It's ironic. We're taught math, science and history in school, we're not taught how to have civil discussions when we have different points of view - instead of firing back in the heat of the moment and saying something we regret.

Fortunately, that's where Tongue Fu! can help out. Here are a few ways to handle sensitive situations in the moment - instead of thinking of the perfect response on the way home.

4 Tongue Fu! Tips to Keep the Peace at Thanksgiving Dinner... and Beyond

1. Complaints

If someone complains, don't explain. Explanations come across as excuses. Lengthy explanations make people angrier because they feel you're not being accountable. For example, if you get caught in traffic and arrive late, take the AAA Train:

Agree: "You're right, Mom, we were supposed to get here at 3 pm.

Apologize: And I'm sorry we're late.

Act: AND can I help out in the kitchen and start bringing food to the table?"

Taking the AAA Train - Agree, Apologize and Act - instead of belaboring why things went wrong - will move things forward instead of going back and forth why it wasn't your fault.

2. Negative accusation.

Whatever you do, don't deny untrue accusations. If someone says "You are so emotional!" and you say, "I am not emotional!" now you are! Instead, put the ball back in their court with, "What do you mean?" so they reveal why they said what they said. "Well, this is the third time you've cried today," you can address that, "I do feel strongly about that. I spent a lot of time and effort on it and it's important to me."

If someone claims, "You don't care about me," reacting with, "We do care about you." means you're now arguing with the person who feels you don't care about them. Instead ask, "What do you mean?" They may say, "Well, you haven't asked about my follow-up visit with the doctor." Ahh, now you know what's really bothering them and can say, "Thank you for bringing that up. What did the doctor have to say?"

3. Arguments.

If people get upset and you try to talk over them, what will happen? They'll talk louder. The voice of reason will get drowned out in the commotion.

Instead, make a T with your hands (like a referee would) to get people's attention and cause a pause. Then say these magic words, "Time out. We could go back and forth the rest of the afternoon about the election, and it won't change what happened. We've only got an hour before we need to head to the airport. Can we go around the table and share our Grateful's?"

4. Have to give bad news.

It's easy to get defensive if you give bad news. However, if you say "There's nothing I can do to change this," people conclude you don't care.

A more caring response is to say "I can only imagine" or "There's something."

Say, 'I can only imagine how disappointing it is we won't be able to get together for Christmas as Bob's got to work that week. There is something I can suggest. How about we set up a family zoom call so we can open presents together and connect virtually?"

In the real world, things go wrong.

Tempers flare. People get hurt. We say what's on the tip of our tongue instead of asking ourselves, "Will this help? Is this appropriate? Is there a more constructive way to respond?"

We don't have a magic wand to make everything instantly better.

We do have the choice to communicate respectfully and proactively so people are more likely to follow our lead and respond - in kind.

Will everything go perfectly? Probably not. Will they go better? Hopefully so.