Tongue Fu! 2.0 TALKniques?

I returned as a patient to a medical facility where I had presented Tongue Fu!? workshops a year before. The receptionist saw me walk in, looked around to check that no one else was in the lobby, beckoned me over and, with a smile, pointed to the Words to Lose-Words to Use? reminder card taped, for her eyes only, underneath the lip of her reception counter.

She said, "Sam, good to see you again. I've got to tell you what a difference that workshop made for me. I'm the first point of contact here. I do my best to be polite, yet people used to be rude to me. I never understood why until I took your workshop and discovered I used a lot of those Words to Lose all the time. Especially You need to and You have to.

'You need to ask your doctor. You have to wait your turn. You need to fill this out. You have to get your labs done first. No wonder people were rude, I was bossing them around from the second they walked in the door.

Now, I ask instead of order. 'Could you please ask your doctor that? Could you please fill this out? Could you please get your labs first? People are kinder to me now, and I think one of the reasons is I'm kinder to them."

She's right. How we treat people sets the precedent for how they treat us. And many of us are unintentionally using words that cause people to feel dismissed or disrespected. They react accordingly and things get worse from there.

That's why I created TALKniques? - respectful communication skills we can use at work, at home, online and in public, to get along better with just about anyone, anytime, anywhere.

Techniques are step-by-step instructions on what to do and how to do it.

TALkniques? are step-by-step instructions on what to say and how to say it.

In my new Tongue Fu! 2.0 book (available 2021), I identify words and reactions that create resentment and show how to replace them with words and responses that create rapport.

Do you have a piece of paper nearby? Draw a line down the center. Put Words to Lose at the top of the left column and Words to Use at the top of the right column.

In my book and in this series, I share real-life examples of what happens when we use Words to Lose, and then show how replacing those conflict-creating Words to Lose with Words to Use can create cooperation instead.

People are often amazed at the difference these Talkniques? make.

Their first response is often, "Why didn't they teach us this in school? We learn math, science, and history, we don't learn there are words that make people angry at us. Words that cause people to feel we're shutting them down or ordering them around.

They think of all the unnecessary stress, misunderstandings and shouting matches that could have been prevented if they knew this earlier.

The good new is, it's not too late.

In this TALKniques? series, I'll share samples of Words to Lose that set up resistance and show how to replace them with words that set up receptivity.

If you can't wait until next year for my new book to come out, you can access the original Words to Lose-Words to Use? in my Tongue Fu!? video series.

Are you in customer service or on the front lines of your organization? Are you a supervisor or manager? Do you tell people where to go, what to do, and how to do it?

Think about how that comes across. Do you know anyone who likes to be ordered around?

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Life is not so short but that there is always time for courtesy."

If you want people to treat you with more respect, treat them with more respect.

One way to do that is to replace commands with courteous requests. When you ask instead of tell, people are more likely to cooperate willingly because they want to instead of complying reluctantly because they're being told to. Try it. It works.

P.S. And yes, these TALkniques? can also be used in self-talk to motivate ourselves to do things because we want to not because we have to.

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Sam Horn is CEO of the Tongue Fu! Training Institute. Her 3 TEDx talks and 9 books have been featured on NPR, in NY Times, and taught to Intel, Cisco, YPO, EO, Amgen, NASA. Want these Talkniques? taught in your organization? Contact [email protected]