Tone Policing Is A Form Of Classism

Or ableism — whichever -ism?fits

Tone policing is just another form of?classism

It’s even more insidious because it’s subvert, and sometimes (probably often) people use it without recognizing the motivations behind their own behaviour.

When someone engages in tone policing, it’s usually due to one of two reasons:

1. They don’t agree with your argument or statement, but don’t have an intellectual or factual rebuttal, so they focus instead on the “tone” of your communication; or
2. They’re not used to someone “like you” standing up to them, and are taken aback by your lack of expected deference.

This may or may not be conscious. It may be something so deeply ingrained they aren’t even aware that it’s contributing to their reaction.

And yes, when I say “like you”, I mean they (consciously or unconsciously) consider themselves of “higher class” and feel they are entitled to some level of deference from those beneath them.

Also, yes: this is a direct result of sexism, bigotry, ableism, racism, xenophobia, and all different flavours of classism.

A person telling another they don’t like their tone, or condescending to them by telling them to be “nice”, is a way of telling someone to know their place.

It reminds me of my mother saying to me, “how dare you speak to me like that?” One guess as to who taught me — albeit indirectly — a lot of the “disrespectful” things that came out of my mouth. (I’m 40 now, though, so I take full responsibility for my caustic attitude).

It’s one thing to set boundaries about how we will and will not be treated — keeping in mind that each person’s boundaries will be different. It’s quite another to dictate exactly how a person must word their message in order to be “granted permission” to communicate with you.

For example

This year’s Super Bowl featured a Black Deaf performer named Justina Miles whose amazing performance garnered much (well-deserved) attention and praise.

I don’t usually watch the halftime show, so I missed it on live TV. I was watching a video online and (cringe) made the mistake of looking at the comments (I know, I know!).

People were incorrectly calling Justina an interpreter, assuming she is hearing, and that she was a hearing “saviour” providing a much-needed service to the poor Deaf folks watching.

Okay, I’m projecting a little. However, they did assume wrongly that she was a hearing interpreter. When Deaf folks who know her work commented to correct the record, explaining important differences between a hearing interpreter and a Deaf performer, the hearing folks tried to talk over us.

I very firmly (but without cursing or using exclamation points “!!”) put one commenter in her place, telling her and others to sit down and be quiet because they didn’t know what they were talking about. I explained very clearly why it was harmful to assume a Black Deaf woman doing an amazing performance in ASL is a hearing interpreter.

“You could be nice about it,” they replied.

Are you fucking kidding me?

First of all, a bunch of Deaf folks were already trying to provide information without the Internet equivalent of stomping their feet and throwing adult tantrums. They were taking time out of their days to “nicely” educate the ignorant and were quickly shouted down.

Secondly, why the hell would you try to hearie-splain Deaf ASL performance to the Deaf community? What would possess people with the teeniest bit of knowledge about sign language to make assertive, confident statements as though they actually knew what they were talking about?

“First time on the Internet, Jillian?”

Apparently.

The Aut-acity

A lot of Autistic folks are the victims of tone policing. This happens for quite a few reasons, but the two main causes are:

1. Ableism. The allistic (non-Autistic) majority assumes their way of communicating is superior to ours simply because there are more of them than there are of us. (If you hadn’t noticed, their communication skills quite often leave much to be desired).
2. Ableism. Oh, I said that already? True, but it’s rampant, so it bears repeating. Further, this is a different form of prejudice: xenophobia. In this context it’s related to ableism, because the differences people discriminate against are our markedly different ways of communicating.

Autistic people tend (meaning, not always and not all Autistics) to communicate in a more direct manner when compared to allistic people.

Our direct communication is frequently misinterpreted as intentional rudeness. When we state something without equivocation or sugar-coating, we’re often accused of being unkind or disrespectful.

Don’t get me wrong, all people can be jerks sometimes — allistic, Autistic, all any-istic. I’m not saying we can’t call out offensive or harmful behaviour because a person belongs to a marginalized group. We can and we should.

What I am saying is there is a significant difference between being direct and being intentionally hurtful or harmful. Not liking what someone said — or how they said it — is not the same as being intentionally harmed by them.

Respect-me-not

Did you know? The definition of respectful is,

“feeling or showing deference and respect.”—Oxford Dictionary

also,

“marked by or showing respect or deference.”—Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Deference. As in humility, esteem, or submission shown to a superior.

I am not calling for a free-for-all (have you seen Twitter?). I’m not saying there shouldn’t be boundaries. I’m saying that consideration is a two-way process between equals.

“Kindness and respect” are often weaponized against marginalized people, used as a way to keep them in line, making sure they know their place. They’re also ways people try to avoid accountability.

In my recent work writing and advocating against the bigotry which occurred right here in our own community, Fragile White Lady (who shall henceforth be referred to as FWL) bypassed all the human rights concerns to come to my page and tell me I shouldn’t be “name-calling”.

FWL told me it was neither professional nor respectful to call the bigots and homophobes?… bigots and homophobes.

I have an idea they could try. It’s a little unconventional, but hear me out… they could try not being bigoted, homophobic assholes. Seriously, they should totally try it. Highly recommend.

That, my friends, is a prime example of tone policing as a form of oppression and as a way to distract from the actual issue.

How dare I give the bigots and homophobes a bit of attitude? I should be kind, courteous, and respectful in the face of hateful comments and behaviour!

It’s a logical fallacy which doesn’t have much logic.

Not that I expect bigots to have much logic anyway.

The lesson?is…

The moral of the story: don’t be an ableist or bigoted asshole. I mean, try not to be an asshole in general — but if the choice is between being a “polite” bigot and an asshole advocate, y’all know which side I’m on.

? Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB

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