Tolerance and respect: A key missing ingredient in our daily lives

The world isn’t as wide as it once was. Borders and boundaries are blurred. The coming generations of our children are poised to encounter an unprecedented level of transformation, explore diverse locations, acquire an abundance of knowledge, and engage with a wider array of individuals and cultures than any previous era in human history. To thrive in this intricate and multicultural world, it is imperative that they nurture the skills of tolerance and respect.

But this applies to adults as well, both young and old.

In the midst of a pandemic world, where economic collapse, political polarization, racial unrest, and a climate crisis are ongoing, civility between citizens is indeed more essential than ever. From what I observe, there seems to be an increasing lack of tolerance and respect for matters both large and small. It seems we have reached the point where anyone can feel slighted from just having a different opinion than another, or when their perspective does not align perfectly with someone else’s idea of morality, values, and principles.

Not to sound corny or anything because I ask this with all sincerity…but: Is it any wonder there is a declining feeling of unity and love among us?

Like many others, I come from a family with diverse experiences and backgrounds. One half is Puerto Rican, the other half black with origins mostly from the segregated south in Georgia, and a white stepmother from South Dakota, a place with a deep-seated history of tense black and brown race relations, most notably with Native Americans. Needless to say, in the few times that any two groups or more were together in one room, there seemed to be whispers of a fragile hush, with a cloud of unspoken tension and fear clashing in silent thunder.

There are many who have their heads filled to the brim with a rigid way of thinking and behaving that gets in the way of meaningful discussion and promoting deeper relationships. In fact, what it does is contribute to bitterness, isolation, and misunderstanding. It’s what I like to call human sectarianism, a tendency to adopt a moralized identification with a particular group while being against another.

And this has been going on for some time.

Just listen to what one REDDIT user observed back in 2018: “I used to be able to have conversations where I would be able to say I could understand a certain side of an issue but also see another side…Now it seems as though I get attacked for even offering an alternative viewpoint…I have a number of friends which I used to be able to have strongly nuanced conversations with and it seems like they’ve lost the ability to do that…Are people really so quick to be offended and defended, and not patient enough to think?”

Unfortunately, for most of us, that’s how our brains work nowadays, denying ourselves the opportunity to consider the nuances of a problem or issue, with a tendency to jump to conclusions with limited evidence, when evidence should be a critical component to our judgment. Or to have bias so deeply ingrained into our mindset that we refuse to even consider another opinion and another way to look at something.

In our contemporary society, where there is a significant emphasis on the values of tolerance and respect, it doesn’t appear to be an unreasonable expectation for individuals to invest effort in enhancing their language skills and employing proper communication techniques.

In numerous nations today, due to population dynamics and immigration patterns, neighborhoods often encompass individuals from diverse religious backgrounds. Consequently, fostering mutual comprehension can pave the way for more meaningful and agreeable discussions and a heightened understanding among individuals of varying faiths.

Technology, while providing us with a wealth of information, has also inundated us to the point where human interaction is often drowned out. While we benefit from nearly constant connectivity with others, our connections remain superficial, if they exist at all.

Understanding the difference between tolerance and respect and how they align is important. If you accept the fact that tolerance means accepting that something different has a right to exist, whether or not you agree with it, while respect means a high regard for that something, then you are at least on the right track to having a healthy and balanced engagement with another human being without judgment.

For instance, if you were to share your belief that Jimmy Hoffa, the infamous American labor union leader who disappeared in 1975, was abducted by aliens, I might choose to tolerate your viewpoint, even if I personally find it crazier than Lady Gaga wearing a meat dress to the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards, or the Russians allegedly sending geckos to space to have sex in 2014. My tolerance carries no personal cost, and I need not expend energy attempting to persuade you otherwise, as you possess the absolute freedom to hold any belief you choose.

However, it’s crucial to note that my tolerance does not equate to respect for your perspective. This differentiation is significant: while I may not respect your viewpoint, I wholeheartedly respect your right to uphold it.

The danger is when we get locked on to a certain point of view, where it becomes very, very difficult to get our brains to consider other perspectives. Instead of looking for information that challenges our point of view, we mostly seek out sources that will further confirm our opinion. Our lack of emotional regulation skills can allow us to become judgmental, argumentative, with a tendency to shut down completely over routine or mundane stressors.

But it’s not just with routine stressors where this occurs, because it rears its ugly head in more serious matters as well. Hell, history has showed us that over and over again.

In the world we live in today, it may require some work to put aside petty differences and put them in their proper perspective. We may have to unlearn things we thought to be true based on our non-inclusive upbringings, education, environment, or systems that reinforce our belief systems.

Hopefully we make the effort to avoid being blinded to the possibility of someone else’s viewpoint, with an ability to endure differences while motivated to learn and be educated by others, outweighing our reasons for objection and intolerance.

Societies have relied on tolerance for millennia, in contexts as varied as ancient India during the Mauryan Empire, the Middle East during the Ottoman Empire, and Europe after the Reformation. As President John F. Kennedy once said: “Tolerance implies no lack of commitment to one’s own beliefs. Rather it condemns the oppression or persecution of others.”

If you have any doubts of whether you should practice more tolerance and respect, just look up to the sky to get some proper perspective. It can make you wonder on a clear, starry night how small human beings are in the vast universe, and how insignificant the things we disagree about really are.

Try it out, you might be surprised at the results.

Everything seems to make more sense and place you in a calmer and more balanced state of being when you put them in their proper perspective. But if you do so, and tell me you witnessed an alien or gecko, I promise you three things. I will tolerate your expression of your experience, while respecting your right to believe what you saw. But also reserve the right to call you an idiot.

With love of course.