Told to Be Less Assertive?

Imagine landing your dream job only to be told: 'Tone it down.' What would you do if your confidence was mistaken for a liability?

One of the most rewarding moments in my mentoring journey is seeing someone I’ve guided achieve their dreams. Recently, a mentee of mine joined a global tech corporation - a big win and a step forward in their career. Yet, just weeks into their role, they were told something that caught them off guard: “You need to be less assertive.”

Let me be clear: this person wasn’t stomping on toes, dominating meetings, or dismissing others. Their “assertiveness” came in the form of clear communication, decisiveness, and a proactive approach to problem-solving. So why was this a problem?

The answer lies in the complex, often unspoken dynamics of corporate culture.

The Phenomenon: Assertiveness as a Double-Edged Sword

Global corporations are a microcosm of diverse personalities, values, and power structures. While assertiveness is celebrated in job interviews and leadership training, its perception in the workplace can differ based on cultural norms, team dynamics, and even individual insecurities. What’s seen as confidence in one context can be misinterpreted as arrogance in another.

In this case, the feedback wasn’t about performance; it was about “fitting in.” Assertiveness can sometimes disrupt the equilibrium of a team - particularly in environments where collaboration is synonymous with conformity. For new hires, especially those in junior or mid-level positions, standing out too much, too soon, can ruffle feathers.

What’s Really Going On?

When someone is told to “be less assertive,” a few dynamics might be at play:

1. Cultural Misalignment: The corporate culture may value indirect communication or a more reserved approach to leadership.
2. Insecurity Among Colleagues: Assertiveness can be perceived as a threat by peers or managers who feel overshadowed.
3. Bias: Gender, ethnicity, or age can influence how assertive behavior is perceived. Unfortunately, the same traits that are praised in one group might be criticized in another.
4. Corporate Politics: Sometimes, being assertive is less about what you say and more about who feels their influence is being challenged.

How to Navigate This Challenge

As a mentor, my role was to help my mentee decode this feedback without dimming their light. Here’s what I advised:

1. Understand the Feedback: Ask clarifying questions to determine the root of the issue. Is it about tone, timing, or something deeper?
2. Adapt Without Compromising: Adapting to a new environment doesn’t mean abandoning who you are. Find ways to channel your assertiveness in forms that align with the corporate culture - for instance, asking questions that lead the team to your insights instead of presenting them outright.
3. Build Relationships: Influence grows when you’re trusted. Invest time in understanding your team members and their working styles. Once people know your intentions are collaborative, assertiveness feels less like a threat.
4. Pick Your Battles: Not every moment requires assertiveness. Learn when to observe and when to push. Strategic silence can be as powerful as a strong voice.
5. Stay True to Your Core: Remember, feedback is just data. It’s up to you to decide what’s worth integrating and what’s not.

A Lesson for Organizations

This experience is a reminder for leaders and HR teams: Are you unintentionally suppressing the very qualities you hired for? Assertiveness, when harnessed correctly, drives innovation, decision-making, and leadership. Instead of stifling it, create spaces where it can thrive without overshadowing collaboration.

Final Thoughts

My mentee’s story isn’t unique. In fact, it’s a narrative I often hear in the mentoring world. The key is finding the balance between staying true to yourself and adapting to your environment. Assertiveness is a strength, but like any strength, it’s most effective when wielded with precision and awareness.

To those navigating similar challenges: don’t let feedback like “be less assertive” derail you. Instead, use it as an opportunity to sharpen your approach and grow. And to leaders reading this, ask yourselves: Are you cultivating an environment where assertiveness can be celebrated rather than contained?

Remember, innovation doesn’t come from those who blend in - it comes from those who stand out.

What’s your take on this? Have you ever been told to “be less assertive” or had to guide someone through it? Let’s discuss in the comments!

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Navigating the unspoken rules of corporate culture can be tricky, but you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re facing challenges like this, you know where to find me.

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