Toe Tags and Small Towns
Isn’t it weird how when you live in a small town, you’re always so-and-so’s daughter or one of the (insert surname here) girls from around the mountain or down the road??And when you have a sister, you each end up with a neat little toe tag that lists everything about you, kind of like a body in a mortuary.?When you walk down the street, that tag swings back and forth for the whole town to read and you are automatically pegged as “the smart one” or “the slutty one” (because it’s obvious you can’t be both) and as you grow older and try to develop your own interests, the tag tightens around your toe and you start to walk with a limp as you drag all of that negativity around with you.
???????????So, you leave the small town and go to a bigger town, get married, get a job, and when you go back home to visit, you’re still that (insert surname here) girl that is the oldest daughter of so-and-so who left your dad for another man and lives in that rented house down by the railroad track.?No matter how often you return, it never changes and no matter how long you stay away, it never gets easier to go back.?You carry those small-town insecurities around with you, hiding them in your head and your heart, hoping the bright smile you draw on your face each morning is enough to make you forget who you are and where you came from.?You work hard, you love unconditionally, and you swear that you will be somebody.?As time goes by, you begin to forget where you came from and focus only on where you are going.?Your friends in the big town love and admire you.?They think you’re educated, smart, funny, they always support you, and they never tell you you’ve outgrown your raising.?
???????????Years go by and you forget the pain and the prophecy of doom you inherited from a small-town parent who didn’t know any better and you begin to feel like you’re going to make it.?Your strength and courage continue to grow, you call back home on birthdays and Christmas and life goes on.?You have a great relationship with your husband and your children, and you vow each day not to let these relationships end up like the relationships you grew up in.?You encourage, you nurture, you listen, and you count your blessings.
???????????Then one day, the phone rings and your husband answers it.?He tells the kids to go play outside and he tells you to sit down.?In a room that is too quiet and too bright, he tells you your younger sister has died.?When you ask him how, he tries to explain, but you can’t hear him over the muffled sound of disbelief exploding in your brain.?You start to cry and walk around the room and in four hours, you’re on a plane traveling three thousand miles back to the small town that has finally changed for you.
???????????When you arrive, you hug your mother and comfort your little sister, but there is no one there to comfort you.?Aunts, uncles, and old high school friends come and go, but you can’t process faces or remember names.?You know you should cry or scream, but you just go numb.?At the wake, you walk up to the casket and look down at your sister.?Her hair is longer than you remember and she’s still thinner than you.?You bend over and kiss her on the forehead.?You tell her that she was supposed to wait for you - you were going to send for her as soon as you had your own life together.?But even as you speak the words, you know she doesn’t believe you, because you don’t believe you.?You left her and the town you grew up in behind because you didn’t want to just be so-and-so’s daughter who never could do anything right and who acts like her father even though he’s been gone for years.?You start to cry and head for the front door of the funeral home.?As you do, a woman rolls her eyes your way and whispers to the man beside her.?You tuck your tag in your shoe and walk out the door.