Today, think about yourself. You don't have to be strong all the time.

Today, think about yourself. You don't have to be strong all the time.

I come from a country where mental health is still a hush hush topic.?

However, I have lived for a long time abroad, so I felt I'm all cosmopolitan and worldly, and can face all the problems head on, maturely and without prejudice.?

The problem was, I was all engaged and determined when it was about helping my family and friends. But not very so when it was about helping myself.?

I started falling apart when I was still abroad. It was happening slowly and silently. The change was almost unnoticeable. If you didn't know what to look for, you wouldn't have guessed I'm struggling.?

The country I lived in at that time felt so different, both demanding and annoying.?The people felt distant and strange and I felt I could never find this cosy closeness with them.?

But I was determined to be strong - so many other foreigners lived in that country and were doing ok, so why should I be the one to fail.

My partner at that time was adding his burden to mine. Our relationship was very far from perfect and from where I'm now I know it was toxic. He also had his own struggles with mental health (with which, of course, I was helping him, completely ignoring the fact that this would also reflect on my health). I was telling myself that I have to be unbreakable to support him. Breaking down was not an option.?

All in all, I didn't have any people close to me who could look me in the eye, see the flicker of panic and pain, and tell me what they’re seeing.?

I was balancing on a rope over a precipice and I had no safety net.?

At one point I started to have panic attacks, terrible night terrors, claustrophobic thoughts obstructing my day-to-day life. Once, I took a train and I just wanted to jump off it, seized with panic. I was counting every SECOND of the 3-hour ride. 3-hour panic attack. I knew I needed professional help but didn't feel I could get it easy enough so I haven't even tried.?

Still, I was thinking all the time about my partner's problems as the important ones and was trying to solve them all the time. That was my priority. How I felt was not that important, surely.?

Fast-forward a couple of years, still with no professional help. I've ended my relationship with the guy and decided to head back to my country. I somehow imagined this to be a perfect solution to my mental health problems. I've built this whole narrative around my comeback. But yes, you've guessed it, my problems didn't stay nicely in that foreign country. They followed me eagerly back home.?

For the first few months I was persuading myself that I'm oh so better and, in fact, I did feel a little bit calmer. Just the weight of my partner's mental condition, now off my shoulders,?was making quite a difference. But not enough of a difference.?

I started working in a company that looked pretty normal at that time. I was doing what I loved, the pace, though fast, was perfect for my brain, overstimulated from my stay abroad.?

But bit by bit, the atmosphere in the company started to change, getting more and more toxic, with bullying management and red tape at every corner. I started to sink again.?

This time though, I somehow pushed myself to seek help (mind you, it did take me a long time, because,?you've guessed it again, I was the strong one, why should I break and seek help). And I think I'm finally on my way to really feel better. It's just the beginning of the road, but at least maybe I'm heading in the right direction. I still have to take a better care of myself. I really hope I will get better at it with time.?

Wherever you are right now, today think about yourself for moment.

Today, try to be a bit more kind to yourself.

And maybe start with the thought that you don't have to be strong all the time.

Author: Anonymous