Today Person

My father was a very strict authoritarian when I was growing up.?

I was allowed to watch TV for only 30 min in a week. Which was 8PM on Wednesdays for me, to watch ‘Sonpari’.?

Naturally, I had a strict daily routine. I came back from school, ate lunch, slept for an hour, played with my cousins in the evening, and post dusk, I was expected to study.

And I was expected to study despite any calamity, condition or circumstance.?

In school, you have two kinds of goals-?

• Short term goal- which is homework,
• Long term goal- which is exams.

Ofcourse, homework is to be done everyday but you can choose to not study for the exams on a daily basis. But in my house, that was the rule, you ‘learn’ everything on the same day.?

You won’t believe me but there were also times when I had everything memorized and I still had to study ‘cause...

Another thing was the quest for ‘perfection’. I recall instances when notebooks went flying across the room if an ‘a’ was accidentally replaced with ‘the’ while repeating the memorized answer to a question.

The emotional (and sometimes, physical) abuse led me to tie my self esteem and self worth directly to my performance at school.?

Fast forward 10 years, I carried that into adulthood.?

Sure, this nature of upbringing brought discipline and stability into my life. As an adult, I like consistency. Which means I can do the same work, eat the same food and follow the same routine everyday, without getting bored. That is a boon, trust me.?

But as I kept growing, I also discovered the ill-effects of ‘doing everything now and doing it perfectly’.

First and foremost, it leads to anxiety.

Let’s say that I have 3 tasks at hand- 2, crucial and 1, not so much, which means it can be pushed to later. But since I want to keep my laundry list squeaky clean and want no ‘work debt’, I will push myself to finish that task ‘today’.?

That, in turn, creates a sense of overwhelm. And pressure…To constantly be productive or achieving.?

When I tell myself that I have to do everything at once, I make it difficult for myself to prioritize and focus on what’s important and what’s not. Which leads to a constant sense of urgency and stress.?

Further, I want to be perfect at all tasks I am doing which is nearly impossible, considering my tendency to overcommit. And when that ‘perfection’ is not attained, my self-esteem takes a hit. ‘Cause it’s single-handedly tied to my performance.

That’s not it.?

This way of thinking means that work is the most important component of my life since it has the ‘highest RoI’. ‘Cause that was taught to me as a kid and the feeling of ‘being successful’ has been internalized.?

This further means neglecting my personal life.

I started thinking transactionally- meeting an acquaintance for coffee isn’t productive so let’s cancel, scrolling reels is a waste of time so let’s deactivate Instagram.?

Worst, I started to put a cap on my hobbies- I like watching films and talking about them so let’s do it institutionally.?

So, NO, Kabir was not exactly right when he said-?

??? ??? ?? ?? ??, ?? ??? ?? ??…

Because being a ‘today person’ might mean being proactive and more efficient, and getting a sense of achievement.

But it might also mean getting burned out faster. It means no work-life balance, it means constantly trying to reach an optimal level of productivity (which is not always possible). It means a below average social life, it means overthinking, and constantly oscillating between self-doubts and contemplating if you are enough.?

A ton of things stem from here- romanticizing toxicity, workaholism and most importantly, poor mental health. (Maybe a story for a different day).?

What I’m trying to say is that your reasons might vary as to how you came around to be a ‘today person’ but the detrimental effect that it has on you, will stay the same.?

So let’s not try to always be a ‘today person’...Let’s be an ‘everyday person’.?

Let’s prioritize tasks. Set boundaries and dissociate from work. Let’s remember to take breaks, not overcommit and say ‘no’ whenever required. It’s important to realize that ‘doing nothing’ is as important as doing something.?

And to sometimes sit idle is the most productive use of time.?

Not like I have it all figured out, but,?

I am learning…you can too!

P.S.- The banner image is from the winter of 2021, when my friend and I made plans to get together and not do anything for a while.