Today My Toddler Corrected My Portuguese: How Vulnerability Leads to Growth and Opportunity

Imagine that you spend several years in a foreign country, and you learn to speak the language passibly well. Imagine that you then spend 15 years back in your home country, not getting many chances to exercise your second language at all. Imagine finally that when you are ready to become a parent, excited about all the possibilities and new experiences, that your spouse asks you to please teach your child to speak that second language.

First off, you would feel an immense sense of vulnerability, thinking of putting yourself out there like that. You would probably feel anxious that you will not be good enough to do it, or that you will embarrass yourself around native speakers. You would feel the fear that you may somehow ‘ruin’ your child. It would seem incredibly risky to be running a social and verbal experiment with your child’s life. You would feel sad at the thought of giving up your mother tongue--you will never read her your favorite books, or sing her the lullabies you heard as a child, you will not even say I love you the same way. It seems wrong, fake, or like it will impact the relationship that you will have in a primal way. You would definitely worry that your spouse does not really understand what he is proposing, that when he is left out of conversations, or cannot understand what is going on at home, he will be upset.

This has been my world for the last three years.

I am trilingual, not to be confused with equally fluent in all three languages. English is my mother tongue. As a child though, I spent some years in Brazil and Mexico and I speak decent Portuguese and pretty good Spanish. I never went to school in those countries, as my childhood was somewhat unorthodox (see here for my TEDxTacoma talk), so while I can carry on conversations, I did not necessarily sound intelligent while speaking.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I used to get asked this well meaning question all the time. “So, are you going to speak Portuguese to your daughter?” My answer was generally along the lines of, “No, I’m not insane.” It was a well-meaning question, because monolingual folks just do not understand the complexity of the question. To teach a child a language in a country that speaks another one, you have to really commit. It is not like I could just speak Portuguese on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, and expect her to pick it up. The research told me that it takes a minimum of 20 hours a week during all of the formative years for a child to achieve bilingual fluency. The research also told me that a relationship exists in a specific language--translation, if I wanted my daughter to speak in Portuguese with me, I would have to commit to only speaking Portuguese with her, forever. Finally, after hearing this question multiple times, my husband had a question of his own, “Why not?”

In truth, we could not get passed the obvious benefits of raising a multilingual child. The opportunities that she would have, the brain development, the cultural exposure. The language of Portuguese and the country of Brazil are so close to my heart, that it seemed an important thing to pass on. I started looking at all of the ‘normal’ ways that a family of relative means could raise a child multilingual--should we get an au pair, or a nanny, or put her in a bilingual daycare? Some of it made sense, but we were not finding the right mix. Slowly I started to think, “maybe I am just insane enough to try it myself.”

I started to research and I found a book by someone who had done this before--raised children in America in her second language. That was great! Her children grew up to be functioning and intelligent human beings--fear slightly mollified. I started to research bilingualism and found that every single myth is completely unfounded--in fact, not a single negative factor has ever had a basis in scientific research. Finally, I signed up for Portuguese lessons, which I started towards the end of my pregnancy, and continued into her first year.

Since we were jumping into the deep end, we decided that three’s the charm. We hired a Mexican nanny, whose primary job other than keeping our child alive, was to speak to her only in Spanish. And I committed to raising my daughter in Brazilian Portuguese, in Seattle, Washington, U.S.A.

Now, please do not get me wrong, absolutely zero parts of this have been easy. My daughter almost died at birth, and when she was finally placed in my arms after 7 scary minutes of not breathing, the last thing I wanted to do was pause, gather my thoughts, and ensure that the first words out of my mouth to my miracle baby were in a foreign language. That hurt. During the first two weeks, when my husband was effortlessly bonding with his baby, because English, I was struggling to feel connected with her while also struggling with the words to say. That hurt more. I was not even raised in Portuguese, so I did not know the words for ‘diaper’, ‘hiccups’, or ‘cuddle’. I had never heard a single Brazilian lullaby. How would I ever do it? Was it even possible?

Fortunately for me, I have had a pretty crazy life (see here for the back story), lived all over the world, been to war several times, crossed marathon finish lines and have learned that pretty much anything is possible with enough work and mental fortitude. Life is about choices, and where we choose to focus our efforts is usually where we succeed. This one was going to take a lot of focus, and a lot of effort.

Today, I could write an entire book on the ups and downs of raising a trilingual child in America, some of the crazy conversations that I have had, and the opportunities it has brought--maybe one day I will. But today, with a trilingual three year old, I wanted to focus on what embracing vulnerability has brought to my life--personally, professionally, and to my family. We hear it all the time, you need to show vulnerability, leaders especially. But what does it really mean?

Well, at the same time as I have been raising my trilingual daughter, I have been studying leadership, culture, and human behavior and vulnerability as I go about building my own consulting business, Cultural Forte. Today, my tiny toddler corrected my Portuguese, and I had a moment. I had a moment of incredible joy--Yes! I have done it! I had a moment of incredible realization, that embracing vulnerability, and all that fear, in this one thing has led to so, so much richness in our lives. I have grown personally and professionally from this insane decision. Here’s just a few of the things that I have learned about vulnerability:

1. Vulnerability Requires Bravery and Strength: far from being a weakness, vulnerability both helps us to look stronger in the eyes of others and actually makes us stronger. I was consumed with worry about if I was good enough, what would people think of me, are Brazilians making fun of my accent, do other mom’s think that I’m crazy, am I risking my child’s well-being with my stilted early communication, will this affect my marriage? The list is pretty much endless.

But, in reality, I have experienced the opposite of pretty much every fear. Taking the plunge required me to harness a bravery I didn’t know I had. It required incredible commitment, focus and planning. It has required me to reach out to others, to find resources and people to help me. People do not think I am crazy, they think it is awesome, because it is!

2. Vulnerability Takes Faith: I’m not a religious person, but I have spent the last three years having a lot of faith, a lot! Here is the thing, babies do not talk for about two years. I spent two years of my life, of my child’s life, wondering if I was making a mistake, if I was ruining my child? If you are a parent, you know that is not a small fear. For almost two years, I was left to worry if I was sacrificing great for good, if I really was insane. But I had to grow that faith muscle. I had to trust the process. I had to do a lot of research. Having faith led me to work hard, think outside the box, commit, plan, organize and grow. When she was 1-year-old- and I felt that my language development just was not enough, instead of giving up, we got creative. If I needed help with Portuguese--well, it is the 8th most spoken language in the world. Creativity led us to host an exchange student from Brazil, which led us to having a new ‘daughter’. We built an amazing relationship with her and her family, and it has been one of the best experiences of our life--that we never would have had without vulnerability, and faith. Oh, and I got the language help that I needed.

3. Vulnerability Leads to Unexpected Benefits: Most of us can see the first-order benefits of a multilingual child. My daughter speaks the second, third, and eighth most spoken languages in the world--fluently. She’ll be able to talk to over half the world, and have endless job/career opportunities. We have also learned that there are so many other second and third order effects that have benefited all of us. My three-year-old is developing code switching skills (a component of emotional intelligence) at the developmental level of a teenager or young adult. My daughter is a bridge between cultures that I never could have imagined. While I have to take the time to explain my way into Latin American circles, my blonde daughter does it with a simple “Oi” or “Hola” with the right accent. I have not once had to explain to a Mexican-American that I respect their culture--the three year old speaking Spanish with a flawless Mexican accent does that in two words. She is learning that there is no ‘right’ way to be ‘normal’, which I hope means that we are raising a sensitive and caring adult who will be open and understanding to all different kinds of people. Her journey into trilingualism literally gives me hope for the future. Not to mention, just think of the college entrance essay that she will one day be able to write… By the way, my spouse, the one who did not speak anything but English, now understands Portuguese and Spanish. I expect in 1-2 more years, he will be conversationally fluent--and this at nearly 40 years old!  

4. Vulnerability Leads to Unforeseen Opportunities: When my daughter was born, I was in a dead-end job in the wrong career field, and I was not in a hurry to leave it, because it paid well. When senior folks at work found out I was tri-lingual enough that I was raising my daughter in a foreign language, they asked me “why are you in this role?” I was asked that enough times that I started looking for something new. It led me to leave my cushy job, and start out on a crazy path of volunteering, self-assessment and finding my purpose. Along the way I have started several companies, found my tribe, figured out what I want to be when I grow up, met Senators, did a TEDx talk, and developed myself in so many ways. I have built a multi-cultural group around myself and improved my Spanish by speaking it 5 days a week at home myself (with the nanny). My Portuguese is so vastly improved that just yesterday I had an hour long professional conversation, in Portuguese, and I walked away amazed. In fact, I walked away picturing the 3-day seminar on Organizational Behavior, Culture and Team Building that I will one day teach in Portuguese, in Brazil. I am convinced that I am gonna make that opportunity happen, just watch me.

Showing vulnerability does not make you perfect, it does not always help you look good, it is definitely not easy, and there is no way that you can tell where it is going to lead. But it does make you stronger. It does change you. It does bring people and opportunities to you that you never could have predicted.

And, who knows, it could even make you more money one day. I will let you know.

DANIELLA YOUNG IS AN ORGANIZATIONAL BEHAVIOR AND  CULTURE CONSULTANT, A TEDx SPEAKER, A WRITER, A COMBAT VETERAN, AND A CHILDHOOD CULT SURVIVOR. THESE DAYS SHE RUNS CULTURAL FORTE, A CULTURE AND INNOVATION CONSULTING FIRM AND BUNKER LABS SEATTLE, A NON-PROFIT THAT HELPS VETERANS AND MILITARY SPOUSES BECOME LEADERS IN ENTREPRENEURSHIP AND INNOVATION. WANT TO LEARN MORE? CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE AN INTRO CALL.