Today I cried and it was James Blunt's Fault.

I've cried today, several times. I've been a glorious, blubbery mess, and it's all James Blunt's fault.

It all started with social media (doesn't it always?) There I was (mindlessly) scrolling through my news feeds when the video popped up. James Blunt singing "Monsters". It'd been a while since James and I had had a play-date, and so I thought "why not". I clicked on the link... If you haven't seen/heard it, you can watch it here.

It was like a punch to the gut

And then I read the context for this video and song, James' dad has stage 4 cancer. This song is heartfelt. This is real. It's happening. Two people saying goodbye.

And that's when the floodgates opened. I couldn't stop.

It's been 20 years since I said goodbye to my mum. 12 years since I didn't get to say goodbye to my dad. All of those feelings that I'd carefully boxed up, put on the shelf and chosen not to acknowledge, not to feel, came tumbling out.

I cried. I sobbed. I blubbed. I raged. I felt sorry for myself. I cried some more. When it came to emotions, I experienced most of them, at least the ones associated with sadness, guilt, anger, despair - all at once. It's a visceral pain. I miss them both. My heart is broken; and yet life goes on.

Phew - Emotions. See I told you it was James' fault!

An EQ Tea Pot

So I made a cup of tea. And all was right with the world. Except it wasn't really. Putting these emotions away was not what I need to do. At least not yet.

Thankfully the universe knew that I hadn't yet learned my lesson, and sent me me another thunderclap. Ruby shared a link to a self-assessment from the book Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine. Here are my results:

Look at those top three, it makes sense (to me) now. I've worn 'hyper-achiever' as a badge of honor my whole life. Work hard, be strong, don't fail, be brave (aka don't be sad) have been my keywords. Busyness also has the advantage that I don't have time to look inward, at least not at the stuff that's buried deep. The stuff that matters. Couple that with 'pleaser' and 'avoider' when it comes to conflict, whether with others or within myself, things became a little clearer, or muddier depending on which emotional perspective we're considering.

Cancer Sucks

When my mum was diagnosed with a second brain tumor (her first was when I was 4) and told that this time it was inoperable, that we had 6-months, my over-achiever went into over-drive. At least that is what I tell myself. I took on the role of the 'strong one' for my dad and my brother. Stoic. Pragmatic, there to listen when my dad sobbed, keeping my emotions in check, keeping them hidden, because in my mind, that's how I could best support him. In doing so I avoided the conflict, ignored my own emotions, my vulnerability, my own heartache.

With my dad it was an aneurysm. There was no time for goodbyes. Except I did get to say goodbye, 5 months before he died. I have the memory of an amazing heartfelt and heartbreaking goodbye at the end of a wonderful accidental canalboat holiday. When we all said goodbye at the train station I was inconsolable. We hugged so tight. I can still feel the sadness at parting, my boys bemused at my seemingly out of proportion emotions asking why I was so sad, and my reply "because we don't know when we'll see each other again". We didn't see each other again.

Guilt and regrets are the emotions I carry, guilt that my sadness at that goodbye didn't result in my calling him more often, the missed conversations. Regrets about what might have been. Hindsight's a cruel bitch, and then we move on.

The EQ Melting Pot

Hyper-Achiever, Pleaser, Avoider - patterns I've taken with me through all of my life, before and after my mum's diagnosis, before and after my dad's sudden departure. They're what has made me successful. What has helped me to take the informed risk to become an entrepreneur, to take on new challenges and projects, to write two books, and to succeed. It's also what has held me back. What has tripped me up when I have missed others expectations, or been disappointed in others when I haven't articulated my needs and 'quelle surprise' they have not been met.

We can't feel joy unless we also understand heartbreak and sadness. 

The thing about emotions is that they are ALL important. We can't feel joy unless we also understand heartbreak and sadness. We can't feel anger unless we understand contentment. We can't experience courage unless we also experience the vulnerability that comes from failure and mistakes. Perfection doesn't exist. If you don't believe me then watch the Disney Pixar movie Inside Out.

The (Personal) Leadership Insight

And when I write 'we', I mean 'me'. It's not that I don't experience a wide range of emotions, what I've nurtured is the "British Stiff Upper Lip". I more often than not internalize my emotions, thinking I have a great poker face (I don't), until they break through the dam(n) walls in all of their puffy-eyed unstoppableness.

I've gotten better at showing and sharing the real me, and there is still room for improvement. Eric was one of the first to break through, it took 13 gins (yep, you read that right.. and may I add, I remember every moment, and there was no hangover - don't mix your drinks). It was during one of our early business trips in NYC, a late summer evening, it was fun, until that 13th gin when my 'missing my mum' took complete hold and I broke down. #Alliesforever

Amazingly, the sky did not fall in. He didn't throw up his hands in horror. Our relationship, personally and professionally was strengthened. It's these Ally Relationships that make the difference, that enable us to have both the courage & vulnerability to show up authentically. Where we can connect at a human level, show compassion both to others and as importantly to ourselves.

My tribe of Allies (Ruby, Linda, Debbie, Eric, Nick, Jeff, Eve, Barbara, and many others I could and should list) who have seen behind my 'magic curtain' and with whom I choose to let my guard down with has increased in recent years. It's liberating, empowering, terrifying, and I am grateful to each and everyone of you.

Life is short, even when it is long.

Life is short, even when it is long. Call the people who you care about. Let them know you care and embrace all of the emotions that life brings you. I promise that you, and those around you, will be better for it.

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Morag Barrett is a sought out speaker and leadership development expert. She's the author of Cultivate The Power of Winning Relationships and The Future-Proof Workplace. Morag brings 30 years’ experience in industries around the globe and has impacted more than 11,000 leaders and managers in 20 countries and on 4 continents. Morag understands the challenges of running a business and leading the people within that company. Business is personal and relationships do matter. 

Learn more at www.SkyeTeam.com