Today is 10 years.

10 years since my mom took her life.

I’ve never really talked about it. Still haven’t fully processed it.

I suppose I never will.?

It has shaped who I am personally and professionally. It shaped my decisions in ways I never realized. Not until I started working with a therapist and executive coach did I start unpacking it. I dig into it here if you’re interested. Warning: this is heavy, and manic.?I probably shouldn't post it because of what people will think of me.?Oh well.??

FEAR:

I’m 100 percent driven by fear. The fear of winding up like that. That sounds terrible to even say. But, it’s true.?

My biggest fear is winding up in a position where I give my life to a company, they discard me when I’m not needed anymore. That’s what happened to her.??

My mom was awesome.?She had a killer career in an exciting business. She crushed it. And, I got to grow up around a television station. I was in commercials. Lots of them. I was on the Whizzo show.?Anyone who grew up in Topeka in the 80s knows.?Ultimately it’s what led me down the path to choose Advertising as my major at KU in 1995.??

She was in broadcast TV sales.?Great business until around 2000.?Then performance based advertising, google search, and ........ well you know how that story ends.?TV stations struggled, advertising went digital and her job went away.?Unfortunately she wasn’t able to adapt.?It happened so fast and a skill set she had built over many years was deemed invaluable.?

That’s capitalism right? I get it. It’s happening again right now. Huge paradigm shift that has left a lot of people wondering how to make a living.?We can either deal with it. Or not.?

She dealt with it by choosing to end her life.?I’ll never forget that call.?I knew it was going to happen. I could see the writing on the wall.?I was too wrapped up in raising my family to do anything about it.??

She tried hard. 7-8 years she made it trying to find somewhere to fit in. Trying to add value. She did consulting. She tried to find teaching opportunities. She was willing to learn but the plate shift was simply too big.?The technology leap was so big that only a complete 180 would’ve worked. She would’ve had to completely start over in a new industry. At the bottom.?Learn a new trade. Work her way into it.?She probably could’ve done it.?I just don’t think she knew how.?She didn't know that you can reinvent yourself.?No one told her that you are under no obligation to be the person that you are today forever.??

That won’t happen to me.?

My way of dealing with it has brought me a lot of joy. Along with a lot of pain.??

ADAPTABILITY:

I’ve been making decisions for the last 10 years based on this deeply rooted fear of being unemployable.?There is nothing that scares me more than not being able to provide for my family. I’m incredibly fearful of spending the next 20 years feeling like I’m not valued. Feeling like I’m dispensable.?As a result, I jump on any project that’s put in front of me. For the first several years of running my business I said yes to everything.?I will figure it out. And if I can’t, I’ll find someone who can.??

This his how I built my agency. We were problem solvers. We built trust with clients and would run through walls for them. We did a lot of great work for amazing clients.??

Most of it was driven by my fear of not having a job. Not being able to provide. Fear of not being able to make payroll.?And, the fear of not being enough.?Not doing enough.??

As a result I’ve built a pretty broad skill set. I’m what they call a generalist.?T-shaped.?I have range. I can go super wide and really deep in a couple places.?I wouldn’t have it any other way.?But, the world is after specialists most of the time.?

EGO:

My ego is what ultimately led me to selling my agency. We hit a wall.?

We had trouble with Account Service because I couldn’t get out of the way.?

We had trouble with new business development because I was always taking control of pitches.?

We weren’t properly capitalized or getting the recognition we could have because I was doing accounting the wrong way.?

I was in the middle of everything, because I was afraid to step out and let the team lead.??

It's taken a lot of reflection to realize what was going on. I see it now.?The good news is I've got another at bat.?

BOOTSTRAP:

When in doubt, bootstrap.?I’m by default a bootstrapper.?I’m not here to say that I’ve never had any help or that I didn’t have a lot handed to me.?I have been super fortunate. But I work my ass off.?And, I’ve never run a company that wasn’t profitable.?Making money is the only thing that matters.??

If the micro economics of a business don't work enough to pay salaries for me and a small team to run it, it's probably not a great business.??This mentality has led me to some very minor success, but has also cost me a lot of money.?How so??My obsession with covering my own salary has prevented me from building something huge.?It's plain as day now.?People have been telling me for the last 10 years.?You're not thinking big enough.?You've never built a big business.?What you're doing won't scale.??

They're right. I get frustrated in bigger companies. Especially when they are losing money.?I understand that to build a business to venture scale, you need to burn negative for a while. That's not the kind of company I'm talking about.?There is so much waste in companies that are plowing money into businesses that haven't been proven out at smaller scale.?People having meetings about meetings.?Management teams levering up balance sheets to scale businesses that don't work or haven't been proven out.??

Anyway, most of the issues I have with becoming a better leader myself are rooted in this fight or flight fear that drives me to be manic at times. I have zero patience for cash burn.?People tell me it’s my biggest weakness.?And, my biggest strength.?All I can do is work on it I guess.?But, I will always value cash flow over fake growth. And, I will always take less if it means keeping the team in tact.?Leaders eat last.??

BE YOURSELF:?

I’m not really sure who I’m writing this for. I just think there are probably a lot of people who feel the same way.?The thing I wish I could've gotten through to my mom is that when the world changes you have to change with it.?If you surround yourself with people who won't accept you while you adapt, then you need to move on.?I guess I’m really writing it for myself.?I've had people in my life that like to tell me who I am.?What I'm capable of.?What I should be doing.?Business Partners, Mentors, etc.?I've chosen poorly in those departments.?I've finally learned that if the person trying to be your mentor can't shut up about themselves, they aren't trying to help you.?Your spot in their life is serving them, not you.?I'm done spending time around people like that.?I like the way I am.?I'm passionate.?Impatient.?Curious.?Fiery.? Manic at times.?At least I'm honest about it.?And, I'm working on it.??

COMMITMENT:?

Either way, I’m not going to spend the next 10 years in fear.?My mom worked too hard to have that happen. I just wish I could’ve helped her find a way to adapt her skill set to keep going and enjoy her life.?

That’s what I’m working on.?Being my commitment.??

I am the commitment to getting strong, mentally healthy and setting a good example for my kids. If I do all of those things I feel pretty confident that the professional stuff will fall in line.?

And to honor my Mom. I think she would’ve been proud of me.

--------

Finally,

If you find yourself in a career pivot today, it's going to be hard. Talk to someone. Lean on your network. Find people that will support you while you learn, grow & adapt. You are valued. You are enough.

My DMs are always open.