A Toast to my Singlehood and my fear of not having more time to be single

Over the last year, I got engaged, traveled the world for a year with my fiance, and came back from our travels to build a business together. Since coming back, I always felt like something was missing. Recently, as the energy it takes to build out my personal brand clashed with my commitment to OUR company ambitions, I finally realized what it was.

What I had lost was my most important ex, the me who had been single for 8 years.

I was struggling between the independence and self-centered love of my single days and how everything has changed to "us", "we", and "our."

As much as shedding this identity is a struggle, I know that I wouldn't be where I am today in my life, career, or happy relationship without my singlehood.

So this Valentine's Day I want to toast my Singlehood where I became the Me I love today

A few months before I met Owen, I came to this realization.

Let's say that everyone has 100 years to live. In the first 18 years, you live under your parent's rules. The final 70 years you will likely be in a "couple" state. With that calculation, the time that you have to "date" yourself is only around 10 years, perhaps less. I stopped worrying that I wouldn't get married soon enough and started worrying that I wouldn't have enough time to be single.

Don't you know how awesome being single is?

When you're single you can recognize what you really want and put all your attention and energy on yourself.

In single times, some people may choose to go into "Cruise Control" mode:

Mindlessly going through life, aimlessly scrolling through Instagram, complaining about how dull life is, how you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend, life is hard. And when the next boyfriend or girlfriend comes around, the first thing you do is use them to fill up your otherwise boring life.

Alternatively, I went into "Flight" Mode or high growth mode:

I used being single as an opportunity to start designing and self-initiating a lifestyle that I wanted.

In those 8 "lonely" years, I started my new life.

1. I started working out and picking up slightly extreme exercise habits. In the 5 months before I met Owen, I ran 2 half marathons and 2 full marathons in Honolulu and Paris!

2. Read A LOT. Easily a book every 2 weeks.

3. Solo traveled. In the 8 years, I was single, I traveled to 26 countries myself or with friends and not to forget my home country, took the train across Canada solo.

4. Hosted lots of parties and built a huge network in San Francisco

5. I planned my own adventures and spiritual growth

6. Picked up new hobbies left and right from bouldering to dance to cycling...

7. Every week I went out on at least one date or made one new friend

When I met Owen, I was just coming home from my marathon in Paris and already training for the San Francisco marathon in 4 months, hung out at the San Francisco Public Library biweekly and reading piles of books, in a performance class for contemporary dance, had my own career blog, traveled for work or pleasure every other weekend, played volleyball for Wish's volleyball team, and had my own booked out social calendar of friends, many of whom are on my podcast.

I keep thinking of this line from Big Bang Theory:

"My point is, while you're spending all this time on your own, building computers or practicing your cello, what you're really doing is becoming interesting. When people finally do notice you, they're gonna find someone a lot cooler than they thought. "

So many movies reminisce about the adolescent years and your first love, first relationship, first heartbreak. Yet there doesn't seem to be anyone who reminisces the periods where they are single. Yet, I had the time of my life when I was single.

Exploration doesn't end with yourself

So what do you do when you're worried about not having enough time to be single? You start dating not because you want to be in a relationship but because you are single.

The advantage of being single is that you can go and date different people and to try out what type you like.

Coming from a Chinese background, I wasn't really allowed to date in high school (I still did) and right after graduating all the aunties and grandmas start asking why you aren't married yet. You're expected to find the one you want to be forever in a short period of the early twenties without having ever dated around. Are you kidding me?

In Chinese culture, there isn't the culture of "seeing someone" although I think modern relationships in China follow a similar path now from seeing someone to dating to exclusivity, to relationship to engagement and finally to marriage.

Seeing someone means that you are interested in someone. We go out to eat and drink, it's not exclusive, you don't need to talk about the future, you don't even need to have the conversation of I like you or you like me.

When I was single, I went "saw" and went on dates with all kinds of different people.

There's the second-generation exiled political prisoner, entrepreneur, and millionaire from Central Asia who dropped hundreds on our first date at a jazz club.

There's the super athlete that runs 70-80 mile weeks who was also an insomniac with social anxiety.

There's the neurosurgeon I met on Tinder and grabbed drinks with between client meetings at a conference in Vegas and got walked in on by my boss.

There's the one with yellow fever I didn't think was ambitious enough as a senior engineer at a unicorn startup.

And more.

The world is so big if you don't get around to check it out, how would you know that there are so many people that you just don't click with? How will you have fun stories to tell? How will you then know how to best treasure the one in your arms?

To all the modern women

Freedom is the greatest award for being single. Philosophers tell us, freedom is often the prerequisite to spiritual growth. Therefore, use this short and rare phase in your life well, think about who you are, what you want, and how to be uniquely you.

Why do you actually want to get married? Is it because your friends are getting married? Or is it because society tells you you should be getting married? Or is it because you don't want to third wheel your friend and her partner? All these reasons have nothing to do with the person you will marry. If you don't leave any room for your intrinsic self, self-growth, and self-care, you and him/her will be lonely even in marriage.

If you want to find a remarkable partner, you have to first become a remarkable person. Stop waiting for your amazing partner and forget that you are an amazing person.

Just like that, when I was in the happiest time in my life, I met my remarkable boyfriend. If I didn't have the time to be single and to explore, there wouldn't be the me that could love him as I do now.

So I realized, just like how I am an amazing person hasn't changed, independence actually doesn't have anything to do with being Single

Independence is a type of attitude in life. It's an attitude towards continuous self-growth, becoming ever more attractive, and keeping an unbounded curiosity to discover new things.

Whether single or in a relationship, we can all still work towards a better life and a better us.

I used to think that the time to date myself has ended, I was mourning myself as my ex. But that is not true, we are always dating ourselves.

So this Valentine's Day and every day, I'll give myself all the 5 languages of love, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, physical touch, and my favorite, quality time to grow, discover, and care about who I am, what I want, and go from there.