TL;DR - A reminder that if you are not ok, burnt out, homesick, this lockdown has hit you right in the feels - take time, pause and reset.

I am going to be vulnerable here because I grappled with whether or not to share my story. If you’re anything like me, it’s taken a long time to know how to identify when you are not ok. I spent years compartmentalising my mental health and took pride in my “work horse” work ethic. And this extended to all parts of my life. I would bask in the productivity that stress and anxiety created and found that it was on that fine line between healthy stress and burnout that I delivered some of my best work. (Looking for a new house? I will come to our planning session armed with to-do lists and trello boards. You want to know a condensed version of the barefoot investor and my financial planning? I will draft something together.)

Little did I know that operating within that fine line was leaving me feeling languished outside of work. I read a New York Times article by Adam Grant recently that resonated with me and I can see so clearly now how prolonged periods of “languish” resulted in me winding up where I did.

I was not prepared for the imbalance between access to my support system, self care, work and my coveted decompression time that COVID had in store for me. And I sure as heck was not equipped with the tools to know how I could create that harmony for myself. I was not ready for the possibility of seeing my family to be taken from me. I was not ready for loss and the unknown without the ability to be there for those who needed me. (I know I am not alone in feeling this way).

Like many during these lockdowns, I lacked?alternative outlets so I threw myself into work to mask the pain of what was happening oceans & continents away. Subsequently, I struggled with balancing my work and personal life without the separation of physical space. I was reminded by my therapist recently that while work can *help* to achieve balance, it’s only effective when you’re in touch with yourself and know how to communicate what you need.

But what happens when you are so far down the groundhog day rabbit hole of eat, sleep, work, rave, repeat? Not being in an office has its perks but weirdly enough I miss my commute home- those unrecognized 45 minutes were critical for my body to begin the process of decompression. Hindsight is a funny thing, huh?

I can only speak for my own experiences growing up in an Italian American family, but I’ve always been taught to soldier on and that hard work pays off. In my adult life I have found it hard to admit to myself when I was not ok. My mind would always go to a place of comparison:?

• “Even though they’re not here you have people who love you,”?
• “You are safe, don't be dramatic,”?
• “At least you have a job,”?
• “Better for work to be busy than to be struggling,”?
• “Imagine what this would be like if you had kids, or X, Y/ Z...”?

To me, my struggle was never big or important enough to warrant a pause.

Over the past year and a half I let myself down. I did not prioritise my mind. I did not listen to my body because everytime I did, the thoughts would creep in again... “soldier on,” “Everyone is stressed,” “If you take time off from work you will be letting people down by adding more work to their plate.” But most importantly I let myself down by not realising how important it was to be my *own* advocate both at home and at work. And naturally, burnout ensued from a compilation of all of the things out of whack in my life when I was in a state of imbalance. When things that were out of my control came out of the periphery, I threw myself into something I could control, but it ended up controlling me.

It got to a point where my body felt like it was shutting down. I was taking sleeping tablets to get by, I ate out of necessity not hunger, I lived on coffee, suffered from migraines, my gut health was thrown out of whack, I started getting numbness in my hands and feet and my hearing would fuzz in and out throwing me off balance. One day I pushed myself too far and I cracked; I was forced to finally own up to how I was feeling and while it was absolutely terrifying, it was also one of the bravest things I have done (besides picking up my life and moving across the world).?

I am a work in progress. I have good days and I have bad days. I am continuing to find ways to prioritise my health over things that are out of my control. I am one of the lucky ones who have a work support system who understood and created space for me to take pause and begin my healing. While a week of rest and reflection was only the beginning of my journey, I was grateful for the time (even with lockdown restrictions) to take in a new environment and adventures and begin to feel hopeful instead of worried for what is to come.?

So why am I sharing something as deeply personal and vulnerable as this with you? Because It only takes one confidant to talk to to figure out how to approach the conversation. But until you rip the bandaid off, it is impossible for others to know how to help you.?

My advice is to find that person. If they happen to be a friend, a coworker or a licensed professional it is likely they have been feeling the same way and will know of someone in your boat. You are not alone. Once you speak your truth in time the courage to advocate for yourself will follow. Until then, make use of your annual leave when you need it. Just because we cannot travel to holiday destinations does not mean that our minds do not need a break.

Am I terrified to post this in fear of what future employers, friends and colleagues may think of me? Heck yes. But in light of R U OK day I want to share my lived experience and hope that it helps at least one person to prioritise themselves when they have been struggling too.

Whatever you do, just remember that what you are feeling is valid and there are others out there that will stand by you. It is ok to not be ok and if you are not the first step is admitting it to yourself. I am here to chat if you need

And in case you were wondering, my lockdown “staycation” consisted of:

• Sleep - and a lot of it
• Speaking to people about how I was feeling
• Prioritising self care (in the ways that I could in lockdown)
• Drinking water > wine
• Adopting a fur baby - meet Stevie “Nix”
• Going for walks on the beach
• Cooking with joy rather than out of necessity
• Finally cracking open “How to do the work” By Nicole LePera
• Listening to podcasts: Unlocking Us by Brene Brown, Armchair Expert by Dax Shepard and Monica Padman and more True Crime than I would like to admit
• Facetiming with family and virtually hugged my warrior of a grandmother as she turned 94
• + much more

Meet our new fur baby Nix ??