Tired High Performers

Tired High Performers

I know I am not alone when I share: I am tired. Being tired is something that, especially over the last 3 years, many of us struggle with on a regular basis. Perhaps as a result, sleep has become something of a scion: the most important thing we can do for our mental health, something that we both need to work very hard on cultivating but also not take so seriously that we get anxious about it. Yet, even with regular sleep, a lot of my clients are still tired (and feeling awful, because it feels wrong to be tired and getting lots of sleep at night). In our time together today, I wanted to get specific about how to understand tiredness and what helps.

?

You make sense

?

First and foremost, we need to assume that if you are tired it is because what is happening either within or around you is tiring - without valuation, comparison or judgment. As high performers we will dismiss our tiredness out of hand, powering through and assuming that time (likely sleep, when we can get it) will cure the experience. However, especially absent a plan to slow down, the dismissal of our own needs and willingness to ignore our own bodies, is dangerous. While it may simply be a passing context, it could also be something medical. If you have been tired and are concerned, don’t hesitate to connect with a medical professional that you trust to ask the questions you feel warrant your attention.

For many of us, the last 3 years in particular have been gruelling, making “tired” more of a state of being that passing experience. We assume sleep is the answer and pour increasing resources into creating sleep routines and researching sleep hygiene. But, sleep may not actually be what you need.

?

Sleep may (or may not) be the answer

?

There is a profound difference between feeling sleepy and feeling tired. Feeling sleepy essentially means you are close to falling asleep. Your head is involuntarily nodding, eyes are drooping, you’re yawning and rereading the same paragraph again and again, perhaps you’ve stopped paying attention to your loved one who is talking or you find yourself zoning out on whatever show you are watching. Feeling tired, on the other hand, means feeling worn out, wrung dry, depleted, exhausted, lower energy, like you have little or nothing left to give and that you are ready for the day to be done.?

?

When you are sleepy, the answer is to go to sleep. Here’s where your sleep hygiene comes into play, consider:

• Waking up at roughly the same time each day
• Early and lots of exposure to sunlight (real or artificial) throughout the day
• Eating meals at consistent times
• A ritual to signify the turning away from awakeness (and work) and moving towards sleep: closing your laptop, putting screens away, warm bath, face wash, lights low, moving slower, etc.?
• Heading to bed at roughly the same time each night
• Limiting alcohol and caffeine
• Wearing an eye mask or ear plugs during sleep for darkness and quiet

When you are tired, the answer is likely not sleep, but rather acts of restoration, revitalization, and rest. Here’s where we need to be creative and honest with ourselves. When we are tired and feeling “blah”, we are likely looking for rest and relaxation. That may come from a luxurious sleep … or it may involve something that requires us to find some energy and engage differently. Consider:

?

• Movement: an after dinner walk, stretching, or even more vigorous exercise depending on your preference and physiological needs
• Reflection: journaling, simply letting your thoughts flow, meditation, reading, listening to music
• Connection: reaching out to friends (calling, making a plan to meet, texting memes may do the trick also, depending on what you need), laughing, crying or feeling whatever is there is to feel with someone you trust

The idea is to resist making these activities and options to-dos and productivity markers that keep you in task management mode (which is making you tired). It’s to transition towards shifting to nourishing yourself, to filling your bucket, and meaningfully answering the need that is presenting itself as tiredness.

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to be you - to find and take rest, to relate to sleep, and to engage each day. As you mull over these ideas, I invite you to engage with the practices below and continue trusting yourself to explore what feels meaningful.

Learn more about sleep

• Jade Wu, PhD, DBSM gets full credit for the distinction between being sleepy and being tired, and has influenced my thinking greatly on our relationship with sleep. Her book "Hello Sleep: The Science and Art of Overcoming Insomnia Without Medications" is amazing, and another great primer is this podcast appearance:?
• Matthew Walker, PhD 's book “Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams"
• "Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto" - Tricia Hersey - I seem to recommend this each month, it truly is related to so much striving
• 4,000 Weeks: Time Management For Mere Mortals" -? Oliver Burkeman : A must read for anyone grappling with how to spend their one wild and precious life

Here’s what we are engaging with, considering and learning from these days. What are you into?

24/6: The Power of Unplugging One Day a Week by Tiffany Shlain

We are already practitioners of weekly phone breaks, if you aren’t familiar or are curious, Tiffany’s work gave Kara the idea to start 2 years ago.

The House in the Cerulean Sea by?TJ Klune:

The story is charming, the characters are warm, and the readability is very high

Your Unstoppable Greatness: Break Free from Impostor Syndrome, Cultivate Your Agency, and Achieve Your Ultimate Career Goals by Lisa Orbé-Austin, PhD and Richard Orbe-Austin, PhD :

A brilliant workbook for Strivers to better understand and address their relationship to work

1. Simply notice how often you go to bed when you are sleepy vs. tired
2. Pay attention to what you do or what is happening in your life when you feel energized, nourished and “bucket-filling”
3. Come up with a rest reference list, for times when you have very little energy all the way to feeling bursting with energy, to use as a reference for when you are next tired.?
4. Practice experimenting with your sleep hygiene

• Lawline Podcast: Leading With a Jump to Question Approach Lawline Sigalle Barness
• The Law Office Management Association (TLOMA) Virtual Session, November 28, 2023
• Quorom Club, The National Club (Toronto), October 19, 2023
• 2023 NALP & ALI CLE Professional Development Institute, Washington, DC, November 30 - December 1, 2023 “Ambition, Achievement and Anxiety: Examining Perfectionism and Legal Development” with Suzanne Thomas NALP