Tired of Having The Same Arguments? De-escalate & Reset the Dynamic via The Disagreement Spiral

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I was working with a startup client who continually fought with his co-founder.

One person would yell and argue his point.

The other would try to find areas of compromise and people-please.

Both were tired and annoyed by the dynamic, as they felt it left both of them unsatisfied with the end result.

The business was scaling and they were in a fundraising sprint to a Series A. With a lot of money on the line, both felt they needed to find a new way of collaborating (instead of avoiding or fighting with each other) when making difficult choices.

When you're stressed or have a high-stakes decision to make, it's easier to become reactive. All of our unconscious ways of behaving in a disagreement come out – and resetting the dynamic depends on your ability to want to do things differently.

Things started to shift for them when they both could admit that they wanted to do something different.

The way we got there: The Disagreement Spiral????

The Disagreement Spiral

In disagreements, when our egos are reacting and we start taking things personally, our emotional self (fueled by our anger, frustration, or any buried resentment) influences the perceptions, judgments, and biases we already have.

The energy of conflict can create more disconnection, showcased by how wide the spiral gets as the disagreement escalates upward via the Disagreement Spiral, or it can bring you more together toward a shared goal or solution.

For myself, I know I am caught in a Disagreement Spiral if I start to think the worst of another person.?

This dynamic played out for me with a previous roommate. I would repeatedly ask her to take out the trash, clean up after herself, and leave the common room organized. When she didn’t, I referred to her as lazy or self-centered in my mind. That was my judgment of her behavior.

Over time, whenever there was a mess, I immediately shot up to Stage 6 of a Disagreement Spiral; I would lose respect for her because of that buried resentment I held. I then confirmed my bias and perspective of her as lazy, internally congratulating myself for how right I was. Then, however, she would do something different. She would clean the common area or load the dishwasher without me telling her. I then had to reexamine my mental perspective of her, course-correct, and our communication would improve.?

The same thing happened with the two-person co-founder team I worked with.

They began to see the small ways that they would reach out to collaborate – and acknowledge it. This helped create some trust between them. The next thing they did was vocalize their own biases they had of each other, neutralizing them in real-time through authentic vulnerability.

In the end, the team did successfully fundraise a Series A. But it was only possible after they reset their dynamic and began to navigate difficult conversations between them in a new way.

Questions to Diagnose Your Disagreement & To Reset The Dynamic

Each stage has a self-diagnose question that I recommend a team or person should ask themself.

If the question resonates, then there are specific de-escalate techniques you can do to help reset the dynamic in the long run. Read more below ????

• To see if you're at Stage 1: Do you feel like you both can tackle the core problem together? If you’re at this level, no de-escalation is necessary.
• To see if you're at Stage 2: Are you attacking the person’s character? (i.e., calling them lazy, stupid, a Karen, a Bob, saying things like “ok boomer,” or any other number of adjectives that have nothing to do with the disagreement, etc.?). Keep the conversation focused on the actual problem and avoid name-calling or other methods of personalization to de-escalate the argument.
• To see if you're at Stage 3: Are problems from the past that feel irrelevant continually popping up? Be aware that a pattern is developing, whether you feel unheard, unseen, or someone or something is not meeting your expectations. Are you shutting down? Getting aggressive? Or people-pleasing? Name the pattern, confirm the core problem, and keep the conversation focused on solutions, moving ahead if it feels right to.
• To see if you're at Stage 4: Are you starting to get angry and/or shut down when it comes to the argument? The emotions are building here. There could be a trigger based on something from the past. Find and name the unmet need or expectation. Then look to any positives that the other person has said or done that could help create a new perspective and acknowledge it verbally.
• To see if you're at Stage 5: How are you contributing to the spiraling of the disagreement? It takes two to tango. Can you take responsibility for your part? If so, apologize or acknowledge it with compassion. It can help reset the dynamic if the exchange is healthy and vulnerable – and hopefully is met with the same. If not, you'll need to explore the deeper why regarding the other side's triggers and ego.
• To see if you're at Stage 6: Do you see the other side as an enemy? This is a tricky level because, at this point, it can easily escalate to the seventh stage. Multiple unmet needs are probably being unexpressed, as well as unconscious personalization patterns. Name them so that they don’t have a hold on you or the situation and try to access some much-needed vulnerability.
• To see if you're at Stage 7: Do you see the other side as less than a human? This is the most dangerous level because triggers, trauma, culture, or biases may be clouding your ability to engage the disagreement from your higher self. To de-escalate, remove yourself altogether. Do the work of discovering the unmet need and unconscious personalization patterns, and take responsibility for how you show up in the disagreement. Then come back once you’ve had some time to cool down and process.

Once disagreements reach a level 4 or higher, the steps toward de-escalation become more complex.

This is where the heart-mind connection of understanding your triggers, biases, and personalization patterns comes into play.

Learning to lean into vulnerability and authentic self-reflection is how you start disarming those patterns. Because at the higher levels, a willingness to speak the truth – both to yourself (in how you may have contributed to the dynamic) as well as to the other side – will begin shifting what you think is possible.

Also, it's the taking responsibility for how you may have fueled the escalation of the conflict and the disagreement spiral that results that creates a new middle within the difficult conversations you're a part of.

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This article contains excerpts from my book "The New Middle: Connecting Heart and Mind to Collaboratively Disagree," available to purchase on?Amazon ?and?Barnes & Noble . You can learn more about the book?here .

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Other articles from The New Middle that you might be interested in:

How to Get Better at Reading a Person's Body Language in a Disagreement

What Mister Rogers Can Teach Us About Disagreeing Collaboratively

Be Curious Next Time Someone Reacts in a Disagreement

Overcome the Fear of Speaking Up or Giving Someone Feedback by Leaning into Courage

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Bryant Galindo ?is the Founder of?CollabsHQ , whose mission is to make disagreements and negotiations easier for everyone involved ??