Tips on How to Avoid Becoming a Networking A-hole

We’ve probably all had that roommate who always seemed to be a taker. Maybe they constantly asked to borrow money (with the rarely-fulfilled promise of payback of course), secretly borrowed your clothes (guaranteed to be returned with a stain, if at all), or, when you finally kicked them out, offered to pay you in beer and pizza for help with the move (My entire Saturday and risk of back-breakage is worth $20 to you? COOL, good to know).

Who wants to hang out with that person? Not me. Yet, many of us unwittingly act like that crappy roommate in our professional relationships. I call it being a networking a-hole. Here’s how it happens, what it feels like on the other side of the table, and how to avoid becoming one.

How we become networking A-holes in the first place

In all fairness, many of us don’t understand exactly how to develop a network or why it’s important to do so. For those reasons and others (we’re busy!), few of us make time to do it well.

What usually spurs people to prioritize networking is, unfortunately, the loss of a job. What follows is a mad panic wherein we reach out to everyone we’ve met since kindergarten – particularly those we know to be well connected – and ask for help. But asking for help when in need of employment does not an a-hole make. What makes a networking a-hole is when that help goes undervalued and underappreciated.

And the a-holery is only compounded when we repeat the cycle next time we’re in need.

What it feels like to deal with a networking a-hole

Any time you ask someone for help, be it grabbing a coffee so you can “pick their brain” (oh man, I threw up in my mouth a little with that one), doing an informational interview, writing a recommendation, or introducing you to someone in their network, you are asking for their most prized possessions: their time, relationships, and expertise.

When people seem to be connected to everyone, that’s not by chance. It’s a deliberate habit practiced over years. For example, I spend a minimum of 8 hours every week reaching out to prior colleagues and attending countless (and for a naturally shy person, often dreaded) networking events where I know exactly zero people in hopes of developing new business relationships.

When people ask me to connect them with others in my network, I do it gladly, and I honestly don’t expect anything in return. However, please know that when you ask someone for a recommendation or introduction, you’re asking them to vouch for you and put their reputation at stake. You’re also asking for the time it takes to do so. I have helped hundreds of people find new jobs, meet new people, connect with potential business partners or sales prospects, and the like. And yet, the number of people who have said “thank you” could probably comfortably fit into a small broom closet. In fact, the inspiration for this post occurred when someone I had helped find a job returned asking for yet more of my help and time. I shot off a quick email with some recommendations, and the email I received said, “What else do you have for me?” I was shocked and hurt, frankly, and filed them away as someone I would never go out of my way to help again. I mean, if they’re in a burning building, sure, but that’s beside the point. You don’t ever want someone to remember you by name as being a networking a-hole.

How to avoid being a networking a-hole

Here are three simple and easy ways to avoid being an unwitting jerk:

• Keep your ask small – Ask for something that I can do in less than five minutes. Introduce you to someone virtually? Sure! Point you towards some good resources? Happy to help! Traipse across town to meet you in some random coffee shop, so you can ask me a bunch of questions and buy me a $2 cup of coffee in return (particularly when I've never met you)? Not cool. If you’re asking for a recommendation, make it easy on the person you’re asking by writing a first draft that they can then edit. At a minimum, give them some bullet points of things you’ve accomplished or that they can highlight. You may know that you won first place in last year’s corporate talent show (congrats, by the way), but they probably missed that bit of news.
• Be a good party guest - When someone helps you professionally, ask them how you can help them in return. It’s like asking the host of a party what you can bring. They’ll often tell you, “Oh, nothing. Just bring yourselves!” It’s not expected, but it’s still nice to bring a little something. One great way of saying thank you is a handwritten note of appreciation. It takes all of about five minutes, costs $5 max if you get all fancy with your card, and will be more impactful than you realize. Alternatively, you can introduce them to someone you think is pretty cool who they’d benefit from knowing. It’s an easy way to be forever seen as a rock star, not a jerk store.
• Plant your own garden - Spend time developing your own network. What that means is making sure you spend time each week actively and purposefully keeping in touch with and helping the folks you already know; and making time each week to meet and help new people. It’s admittedly tough, especially when life gets in the way, to cultivate friendships and develop new ones. It’s also very much worth the investment. Growing your own network will help you avoid that crap-I-just-lost-my-job panic and allow you to get back on your feet without relying exclusively on the help of others when you’re in a tight spot.

Erika Flora, PMP, CSM, and ITIL Expert is a Principal Consultant at BEYOND20. You can follow Erika on Twitter and join BEYOND20 on Facebook and Youtube. Read all of BEYOND20's blog articles here.