Tips to Be a Good Parent Without Yelling
We all want to know how to be a better parent without yelling
Actually the yelling kind of spoils things. I’ve explored got 5 specific tips
for you in this article.
One of my favorite things to share with you is called metacognition.
Metacognition is a made-up word. If we put it on on a level, cognition is at this level.
Cognition means thinking. Metacognition is a higher level. It’s thinking about thinking. Be careful with it. It’s going to drive you nuts. But notice that you can think about your own thinking. Now, while we’re in that metacognitive state, why are you yelling? Think about it from that level.
Why are you yelling? What is it that’s going on inside of you that has you
yelling? As your awareness comes up about that, so does your control. Most commonly,
yelling is a side effect of frustration or anger or sometimes just plain old
habit. It’s what we’ve been trained taught and educated to do. Maybe by our
own parents. I don’t know. Whatever it is for you, take a moment to connect with
why you’re yelling. Are your expectations being violated? Is this kid not being the
way he should be? Is the kid neglecting something that he/she should be
paying attention to? What is it? Focus in on your own reasons. And as you go to
that metacognitive level, let’s talk about 5 specific things that you can
do to become a better parent without yelling.
Tip Number 1
Be clear about what you control and what you don’t control. As you take a moment to think about that, you’re going to notice that most of the things you’re yelling about, you don’t control. Is that true for you? Most of the things you yell about, you don’t control. Because if you controlled it, you just control it. And you wouldn’t have to yell about it.
Probably you’re trying to change something that’s outside of your control. That is a recipe for frustration. Well, there’s a lot of things you can do. We want to make sure that the things you choose to do are squarely within your control. That’s going to bring your frustration level down and it’s going to make it less likely that you’re going to feel like you have to yell.
Tip Number 2
My second tip for you has to do with your own emotional state. I want you to focus on maintaining a calm voice. A calm face, calm voice and a calm body.
When you as a parent are in that position, you can solve anything. There’s a lot of reasons why I’m confident saying that. It changes your own mind and it gives you the resources that you’re going to need to be creative and to think about some things that you might be able to do.
Calm voice, calm face, calm body.
Tip number 3
For this one, remember that children always have choices. Always. At the very least, they
can choose to operate or not. They get to choose those things. For you as a parent, try this strategy. Give them 2 choices. There’s always door number 3, But you’re giving them 2 choices. Both of which, you’re okay with. One of which, you control. That’s why we hit the control thing right up front. 2 choices, you’re okay with both of them, you
control one of them. So an example. Let’s say that your first grader is supposed
to be getting dressed for school. But your first grader is dragging her feet. She doesn’t want to get ready for school, she wants to play with her toys. 2 choices. I’m okay with both of them, I control one of them. “Sweetie, you can get dressed and ready by yourself or I can assist you to get dressed right now.” Alright. Do you see I’m okay with both of them? Am I okay with her getting dressed by herself? Yeah, sure.
Am I okay with me assisting her to get dressed? Well, yes I am actually. Now, if
you’re not okay with it, don’t offer it as a choice. I’m okay with both. Which one
do I control? The one where I assist her.
What if she chooses door number 3? No,
I want to keep playing with my toys. Well, that means that the one I control becomes default. And I don’t have to yell because I control it. As I walk over there and I start assisting her to get dressed.
Let’s do another quick example. Maybe with a teenager. Let’s say that you’re 13- year old is supposed to take out the garbage. That’s his chore for the week. But he doesn’t want to take out the garbage. He wants to keep playing his video game, right? 2 choices. “Son, you can take out the garbage on your own or you can hire me to do it. Either ways fine with me.” All right, I’m okay with both. Am I okay if he doesn’t on his own? Absolutely. That’s kind of what I was planning. Am I okay to have him hire me to do it? Yeah, that’s fine too. Now, What if he chooses that? Then I cheerfully go take out the garbage because he hired me to do it at my rates.
I’m okay with both of them, I control one of them. That one
becomes default if they try to pick door number 3. This puts you in a better
position of control so you don’t feel like you have to yell.
Tip Number 4
Separate the emotion from the discipline. So, that the discipline gets to be all business. There’s no emotional attachment.
You can do this or you can do that. When parents are smiling, kids are thinking. If you’re all upset, well you better do this right now. Then they know that they’ve got you. If you get emotionally involved in the discipline, it triggers something in their mind
where they get this… I don’t know, it’s a false sense of control or something. Like
“Wow, I’m only eight years old and I can get big person to totally lose control.” Yeah, it’s a false power rush. When you take the emotion away from the discipline and the discipline becomes all business put you in a position of power as a parent. And it secures your child.
Children already know that they’re toast without us. They know. Even in a little
five-year-old mind. The kids thinking, “Oh man, I I’m sure glad I got mom and dad
here. If they disappeared I’d be in a world of hurt.” And they know that. And
they might not express that to you but they know that.
So, you give them a solid stable presence that has the emotion and the discipline separated. Put the emotion into the relationship.
Tip number 5
Remember your job. Remember your job. What’s your job as a parent? It’s to love them to love them no matter what and even if. No matter what and even if. It’s not your job to make sure that they do their chores. It’s not your job to make sure that they’re happy. It’s not your job to make sure that they are productive citizens. That’s outside of your control. Yes, we’re going to do what we can to put all of the resources in place for our kids, to have all of those things. Your job at the end of the day is to love them no matter what and even if. Even if they don’t do their homework. Even if they’re not productive citizens, even if they hate you. Your job is still to love them no matter what and even if. That probably brings a little bit of relief to your heart and mind. Because you know that you can do that. From that position of feeling relieved and confident that you’ve got your job, you can back off on the yelling. Because you’re already doing a great job. You’re a benevolent, generous, loving parent.
Your job is to love them or what and even if. Parenting is not an easy task. Thank you for being here, for being a conscious.
If you have any question , ask in a comment section. Thanks for reading.