Tips to Get your Kid Talking About School

One of the beautiful things about sending our children to an educational institution is that they experience a whole world outside their living existence at home. They experience what it’s like to be related to a school's culture, make personal friends, connect with instructors, and change and grow as people. Their experiences are acquiring learning, of course, but also social.

As parents, when raising our kids, we want them to possess these experiences on their own and in their ways, but we also want as much information as possible about what goes on during the instance when they are away from us. We want to know the emotional joys they intimately experienced and the new things they learned. We also want to be alerted to any problems they may have encountered—particularly ones their teachers may not be aware of.

Set aside 10 minutes for “special time.”

What (or whether) children select to share with us has to do a great deal with their personality. But an element more within our power is our connection with them—generally, how much they trust us with their inward thoughts and feelings.

We can lay a foundation of trust and connection using what my kids call “special time.” Every day for at least 10 minutes, do something with each of the children they choose: Play a game, read together on the couch, and walk the dog.

And even if you are not sure, this may sound easy, but it’s not; in the hustle and bustle of mundane life, 10 or 20 minutes per kid can be challenging. That may seem silly to you—you should spend a long time doing things much less important every day—but adding a total other activity can seem daunting between homework and dinnertime and bedtime.

Oh, and also there’s the fact that I often?don’t want to do what the kids want.

For example, a girl reads dystopian and romance novels voraciously, and a favorite activity is to “fan girl” the authors. When her mother has one-on-one time with her, she wants to tell her excruciating detail about what she is reading.

Mother’s instinct is to roll her eyes and?not?hang out with her while she writes a letter to John Greene. But when she manages to be present with her in all her fan-girl glory, not judging or rejecting her current passion, she feels more connected to her child, and vice versa. She learns that she can trust her mother with her inner world.

Moreover, when the mother consistently gives her this “special time,” she feels secure in the knowledge that she is one of her highest priorities and can count on her to be there for her. During this particular time, she is most likely to open up and tell her mother about lunchtime dynamics or how she feels about her teachers.

Ask your child about the bottom worst part of their day.

Watch for the time and place when your youngster feels safe and has the energy to reveal him or herself to you. Hint: Likely, it isn’t when they, or you, walk in the door after school or work. Just about most children necessarily need time to rest and make the transition from school to home. And most children don’t want an audience of siblings or the carpool.

When everybody is ready (perhaps while you have a particular time or at bedtime), please inquire about the part of their day that was a matter of factly, least satisfying. I might say, “What was the most stressful part of the first school day?” Or “Was there a time today when you felt nervous, anxious, or afraid?”

We inquire children this not because we want the dirt or the gossip or because we delight in the playground or high school drama. Don’t ask this if you are inclined to jump in and solve all their problems for them. Only ask this question once you are primed and ready and able to stay neutral and unemotional.

Ask only when you can?accept?their uncomfortable emotions. Acceptance means that you hear what is going on without asking why they feel the way they do, without judging anyone or anything they are describing to you.

Ask only when you can label and validate their emotions and when you can neutrally help them understand what exactly they are feeling and where in their body that feeling lives.

Why ask about the negative rather than the positive? Because as Dr. Tsabary writes in Out of Control,

Accept that we want children to understand that all feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, are okay. Eventually, we can help children realize how their emotions often drive their behavior—and that while all feelings are OK, all behavior is not equally effective in assisting them to achieve their goals.

So why, in the end, do you ask them how their day was?

We want to be an unconditionally loving place in our children's lives, where they will always be able to touch their importance and feel their belonging. We want to be the place where they can unburden themselves from life’s difficulties—so that, ultimately, they can receive life’s beauty in all its magnificence.

First, start by talking about your day.

Children will be more likely to open up to us if we open up to them, too, says Elizabeth Manly, a former elementary teacher who runs the Discovery Play With Littles website.

“The more you tell them, the more they will understand how to talk about their day,” Manly says. "Often, younger kids don't know how to talk about their day. We forget this is also a skill that has to be taught.”

When it comes time for you to ask your child about your day, Manly echoes Dr. Basu’s advice of being as specific as possible.

“Ask what they had for snack, whom they played with at recess, and what story they read,” she suggests. “Sometimes the general question of ‘How was your day?’ is too big for little children to answer. They don't even know where to begin! If you ask what they did in gym class, they know that answer immediately.”

Question nothing and connect instead

Elle Kwan, from Hand in Hand Parenting, as an “out-of-the-box” way of handling the afterschool question situation.

“My answer is ‘ask nothing,’” Kwan?says. “At least not a first.”

That thought might go against your instincts at first. But holding your tongue when your child first comes home makes sense when you think about it.

“School can be tough for kids, even when it's going well,” Kwan shares. “They are hearing, seeing, and doing so many new things without you. They want to feel warmth and safety when they get home and know that you're happy they are back.”

Rather than talking and asking all those questions you are aching for answers to, Kwan advises you to take some period at first to connect with your child. Offer them a hug or a high five. Spend some time making jokes and laughing with your kid if they feel playful, or consider racing them home from school for fun. Do whatever works for your child to help them feel safe, grounded, and at home.

One time they are prosperously happy and unagitated is when you can begin to ask them questions about their day. But you’ve got to set the stage, says Kwan, and gently ease them into it.

Try the "High Low Buffalo" a fun Game

Grace Poole, parenting expert and founder of Parenting Under Pressure, recommends a fun game you can play with your kids to get them to open up.

“I love the High Low Buffalo game to get kids (or anyone, really) to open up!” says Poole. “You go around the table, and everyone talks about their high of the day, their low of the day, and their buffalo of the day. The buffalo is anything else they thought was interesting or random they want to mention.”

I can’t believe I am saying this, but with this game, everyone can participate, including parents and other siblings. And usually, the conversations end most well past game time. Moreover, playing the game consistently can get your household members into the custom of jointly sharing a more intimate feel.

“The more consistently you play this game (let's say, every night), the more your kids will feel like dinner time [or whenever the game is played] is a safe space where they can be authentic, honest, and vulnerable,” Poole says. “And if your kids see you being authentic, honest, and vulnerable in return, it will help them realize that the game isn't just about getting them to talk. It's about helping everyone in the family understand each other better.”

Ask open-ended questions.

If you inquire about a question that can be answered with one word —?yes?or?no?— that’s what you’ll get. A one-word answer. You can try asking open-ended questions instead.

Example:?“What was the best thing you did at school today?”

Start with a factual observation.

Children often have difficulty responding to questions that seem to come out of the blue. Making an observation gives your kid something to associate with.

Example:?“I know you have a lot more kids in your class this year. What’s that like?”

Avoid negative questions.

If you think something isn’t going well, your questions may come out negatively, with emotion-packed words like?sad?or?mean. Asking positively lets your child express concerns.

Example:?“I heard that you sat with new people at lunch today. What did you talk about?”

Collect content information about the theme they are using

Find out if the class uses a theme for the week or the term. Research the subject together at home and discuss the vocabulary around the theme. This will assure your kid to talk about it at school.

Chatting with children at mealtimes

?When the family gathers at dinner is a safe place to share pleasure and disappointments, it is comforting. If parents raising their kids start modeling communication, children will learn that this is a place to talk about their day.