Tips for Finding Balance : Walking the Middle Path

The middle path is about balance. It is an alternative to black-and-white thinking and polarization, both of which are particularly common among people with emotion regulation issues, but which everyone is prone to from time to time. These activities are particularly enlightening when you do them with someone else or in a group.

Here are some examples of opposites that can both be true. Think about how each statement can be true. How is it empowering to take a both/and perspective?

• You are independent, and you need help.
• You want to be alone, and you want connection with others.
• You can accept yourself the way you are and want to change.
• Someone else can have valid reasons for wanting something from you, and you can have valid reasons for saying no.
• You can be mad at someone and still love and respect them. (You can be mad at yourself, and still love and respect yourself.)
• You can be doing the best you can, and still need to do better and try harder.
• You can understand the motivations for someone’s behavior, and also think that it’s wrong and the person ought to change it.
• You can be around others, and be lonely.

Here are three lessons that you can learn from dialectics:

There’s more than one side to each situation. There’s more than one way to look at a situation or solve a problem. Two things that seem like opposites can both be true. People who disagree with you can still have correct opinions. Remember that people's behavior and thoughts make sense from their own point of view.

Ask yourself: what am I missing? What truth does the opposing view hold? Let go of extremes: think “sometimes” instead of “always” and “never”, think “both/and” instead of “either/or”. Be willing to play devil’s advocate and be curious, not furious.

When something happens that triggers anxiety, anger or depression, look for 3 other explanations for why it could have happened, what are the possible outcomes of this, and three options for what you could do. Example: Someone has different political views than you do. What are three reasons they might have this perception? Your initial reaction was that their view presented a threat to you. What are three other possible outcomes if they are allowed to hold their views? What are 3 options for ways you could handle it? (Hints: Present evidence to support your views and be open to research that supports their views, let it go, argue with them about it)

The only thing that doesn’t change is change. Nothing is constant. Every time it seems like you’ve gotten things settled, they change again.  Throw yourself into change. Accept the unpredictable. If you have a hard time coping with change, remember how many times things have changed and you have not only survived but succeeded.

Develop a how to handle change plan. Identify what a rich and meaningful life looks like to you, (your goals). Now identify how you can identify change as a challenge and adjust to it in a way that continues to help you meet your goals. Example: Getting a promotion or a new job. How can you adjust to that and still keep working toward all of their other goals (Hint: Balance family, friends, self care with work).

Change is transactional. What we do influences our environment and other people; what the environment and other people do influences us. Pay attention both to your effect on others and their effect on you. Let go of blame by thinking about how both your actions and other people’s are caused by a life of learning.

Think about your day. In what ways did you influence your environment and other people? In what ways did other people influence you? How did your environment influence you? For example, would you act the same way at home and at work?

More tips and tools for walking the middle path...