Tips for coping with Trauma & Professional Grief

This is by far the most vulnerable I've ever been when writing a professional blog. My experiences have been years in the making, but in reality, everything just came into focus at the start of Covid 19.

It’s been just over 3 months since my last LinkedIn post. 3 months is a LONG time off LinkedIn when you're a recruiter. Ironically, that post was about a speech I delivered for Job Seekers for Intreo. (The Universe is mocking me!).

Since the country shut down, I like you, have had a lot of time to think. I have gone through things that I never imagined I'd experience, let alone survive. I’ve had A LOT of time to think over that time and one topic that I could not get out of my head was Professional Grief. 

In the dictionary, grief is described as “keen mental suffering or distress over loss “. A record number of people are losing or have lost their jobs as I write this article. I can promise you I feel every part of this grief with those of you who are experiencing it.

To many of us our careers and jobs are so much more than a pay cheque. They have increasingly become part of our identities as individuals.

We build networks within the companies we work with, they become friends. In reality, we spend more time with our colleagues then we do with our actual families. Humans need to be needed, we want to add value. Our jobs give us something to be part of-an opportunity to contribute to something bigger than ourselves. Having a job positively affects our economic, physical, emotional, and mental health.

So when we say someone may “lose their job“ it’s so much more than those three words depict. It’s a loss of security, of belonging, of support ,and a loss of our sense of purpose and ritual. It doesn’t matter how a person lost their job, whether it’s redundancy, termination or economic/social reasons such as COVID 19.

This sense of loss or grief pays no heed to the lines between personal and professional. The feelings of worthlessness can infiltrate and assault our feelings of worth. If not acted upon, we ultimately can lose our sense of self. Trust me I know. 

Over the past months, we've gone through COVID 19 together. We've seen the hashtags, witnessed the heroism of our front line workers and had a shared goal, to reopen the country in the safest way possible.

As Ireland begins Phase 3, and as exciting as that is, we have not even started to unpack the trauma we've gone through, both collectively and individually. The effects of social isolation, economic challenges, and job loss have only exacerbated the situation for some of us. Those who have lost their jobs or are on furlough will experience Professional Grief in addition to a multitude of other emotions.

The key lesson I’ve learned is that when an external trauma happens to you, no matter what it is, the solution is inside yourself.

You cannot heal yourself with external validation. When I’ve gone through trauma, I’ve had to look at myself, my life and separate other peoples’ perception of me to the person I truly am.

 This is some of what I have learned.

 Keep moving forward.

Anxiety and stress can be accentuated because you feel you have no control in a stressful situation. You may not have much, but you always have control, no matter the situation, you choose your reaction and you choose your direction.

The problem becomes the way. Lean into it. Do not shy away from the pain. That is where you find growth.

Be Authentic.

You are enough. If you are around people who make you feel less than, change your group, not yourself. There is no one else like you and you should value yourself and what you have to contribute, above all else. With that said, there’s always room for personal growth. None of us are perfect. Know and accept your flaws and work to improve yourself. You are your only competition.

Work smarter.

A job is so much more than a pay cheque. Find a company that encourages you to grow and improve, where you feel like you’re adding value. You don’t need to work 12-hour days to be “seen” as working hard. I have learned it’s really not appreciated. Take care of the responsibilities of your role, sign everything you do with excellence and cut out any time wasters. You are not your job and you should have time to create a fulfilling life. It is possible to do both.

Choose your own path.

Everyone has an opinion, and certain people are always ready to critique your actions. It’s fine to listen to advice of those who love you but ultimately you are the captain of your ship. You are not put on this earth to live someone else’s life. Work out what is important to you and put tangible steps in place to achieve it.

You are not your job.

Work is great. It is a privilege to have a job you love and it’s ok to be proud of what you do. You are not your job though. Do not blur the line. It can be catastrophic. If you lose your job and you have blurred the line between you as a human and you as an employee, it can crush your confidence and sense of self. Find multiple sources of joy that feed every part of you.

Do not be afraid to fail.

What is failure? There are so many definitions but for me, failure is a crucial step on the journey to success. Failure is a key part of progress. If you are constantly pushing yourself and living at the edge of your capabilities, you will have to develop a healthy relationship with failure. Fail early, fail often, fail forward. (Will Smith) Take the lesson from the “failure” and move forward.

Do what is hard.

We are faced with hard decisions all the time. Do not shy away from them. Try to take a regular stock take of your life. This includes friends, work, habits etc. It is hard to cut anything that is familiar from your life, but it is necessary for you to grow. In Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed she talks about disappointment. If she has the option of disappointing herself or someone else, she will choose the other person every time. She explains that we have to be with ourselves every day, if we break our boundaries or let ourselves down, we have to live with it in our mind all day every day. This can cause lasting damage. Be honest with yourself in relation to what is working in your life. Whatever isn’t serving a positive purpose (including people) just cut it/them out.

Embrace your fears.

This is a tough one because we as humans are afraid of so many things. I watched a TED talk on YouTube and the speaker was asking what would you accomplish if you weren’t afraid? Afraid of making a fool of yourself, afraid of what other people thought, afraid of your own audacity to dream or afraid of getting what you really want.

Fear is paralyzing and it’s a liar. It will tell you things that are not true. Fear as with pain needs to be faced head on and as we’ve learned during this pandemic, anything worth having is on the other side of fear.

What I know for sure is that you and I are stronger than we know. Trust yourself and go for it.

With Love,

Siobhan