Tips for Constructive Conflict Communication

Remember that every conflict of substance is fueled by emotion, which can be deep-seated. If you’re dismissive of others’ thoughts and feelings, particularly in conflict situations, eventually people stop engaging in conflict with you because it’s a waste of their time. When you fail to offer significance and validation to others by at least acknowledging their thoughts and feelings, you force them to find a sense of significance and value elsewhere.

The first principle is don’t get personal. This often dooms constructive conflict management. When your significant other calls you lazy, arrogant, unfeeling, useless, or impossible, the conflict moves from being about behavior to being a problem about you. There’s now a flaw with you—your personality, your character, your being. The problem moves from what you have done (or not done) to who you are. This unfortunate turn in the conversation supercharges conflict.

These kinds of statements make conflict very personal and cause some extreme emotional reactions that only pour gasoline on the conflict fire. When you attack someone’s sense of being, damage their self-esteem, and make them feel insignificant, you’re going to damage the very foundation of your relationship with them. It may not be repairable after that, so avoid these kinds of missteps and talk about people’s behavior and how it makes you feel rather than resorting to personal attacks.

Another basic premise of conflict resolution is to assume benign intent. That means you should assume that the other person isn’t purposely being malicious or intentionally harmful to you until proven otherwise. Most conflicts start with two well-meaning people who simply have different positions on an issue. Don’t assume from the outset that the other person has deliberately ‘bad’ intentions for you or the outcome. If you do, that perception will color all your conflict interactions and almost certainly fuel, rather than help resolve, the conflict. Demonizing others causes your approach to become immediately adversarial, and you’ll become an even bigger part of the conflict problem rather than part of the solution.

If you’re going to have a useful conversation to explore conflict and resolve problems, you’ve got to make it safe. This means setting some ground rules. You might set these rules in your mind and choose to respond to others in a way that encourages a safe atmosphere of rational, respectful conversation. It may also need to be done overtly, where you talk through the ground rules for the conflict discussion to come. In either case, remember that people who feel threatened are either going to lurch forward toward a verbal attack (unfortunately, in rare cases, verbal attacks turn to physical ones, which should never happen) or shut down and run away. Neither of these situations helps resolve the problem between you.

Be mindful of your own triggers too. Your increased self-awareness will help you control your emotions during conflict. With self-awareness, you can acknowledge when you’re beginning to feel unsafe and know how you typically react in such instances so that you don’t fall into the trap of fight or flight. The hardest, most admirable thing that people do during conflict is to be fully present and have a rational conversation.

When we sense that either others or ourselves are feeling unsafe, we can step out of the discussion to try to rebuild a sense of safety so the conversation can continue. Several techniques are described in the great book "Crucial Conversations." This can be done by contrasting, which is stating what we intend to happen (and what we don’t) during the discussion, e.g., “My intent isn’t to make you upset or feel inadequate in any way; it is to work through this situation respectfully and come up with a solution that suits us both.”

Finding mutual purpose goes a step further to explain how your purposes in resolving a situation are actually aligned rather than in conflict. For instance, a statement of mutual purpose with one of your children might sound like: “You said that you want to move out and become more independent so that you can feel you’re truly becoming an adult. I want to see you blossom into an adult so you feel you can stand on your own two feet. In order to make that happen, though, we have to talk through how you are budgeting and spending your money.”

There are times, too, when you just have to come right out and reiterate your benign intent for others—that you don’t wish them any harm, aren’t trying to manipulate them, and intend to make a good-faith effort to resolve a problem in a way that can work for you both. When people don’t have to worry about your intent, they can focus on coming up with solutions rather than looking over their shoulders.

If you violate the premise of safety during the conversation and talk or act in a disrespectful manner, apologize. Nothing signals a genuine commitment to work through conflict more than a person who is humble and sensitive enough to hold up their hand and say “I’m sorry” when they’ve behaved badly or unintentionally injured others. Think about it. When you’ve been offended by a situation (e.g., problems and mistakes with customer service or products you’ve bought), you’re often unable to move past the anger and indignity until you hear an apology.

This doesn’t mean that the customer service advisors are admitting fault when they say, “I’m so sorry you’re upset and this has happened to you.” In fact, you may have actually been the one who caused the problem. What they’re attempting to do is acknowledge your discomfort and act with empathy through an apology. You can then move past your own feelings to discuss resolving the actual problem at hand. An apology works the exact same way in personal situations. Once we acknowledge that someone else has been offended by our behavior or injured through our unintentional mistake, we can hopefully then get back to the business of resolving the issue itself.

Avoid giving directives during conflict discussions, i.e., signaling “It’s my way or the highway.” When you give an ultimatum, you’ve reduced all of the possibilities for conflict resolution down to only one choice—yours—and created an adversarial environment in the process. You’ve taken away choice and inclusion in the idea-generating phase of conflict resolution. In stripping someone else of that power, you’re likely to offend them and make them feel insignificant. Don’t do that.

There’s another reason for avoiding ultimatums. Have you ever blurted out an ultimatum during a conflict situation, only to back away from it and reach some compromise with the other person? It happens regularly, and when it does, who loses face? You do. Don’t damage your own self-esteem and credibility by careening toward an ultimatum only to back down.

I’m not advocating sticking to your ultimatum once you’ve given one, which is something people stubbornly do for the sake of pride. I’m suggesting that you avoid that situation in the first place by working with others to come up with solution ideas and settle on one that works for everyone. In this way, you gain credibility as a thoughtful, emotionally intelligent person who can rationally work through problems.

·????????Do you make things personal during conflict conversations, making demeaning comments about others’ personalities or characteristics?

·????????Do you try to separate the people from the problem and focus on behavior when resolving conflict?

·????????Do you assume benign intent—that others are well-meaning and don’t deliberately set out to manipulate or harm you until proven otherwise?

·????????Do you try to establish a safe environment in which to talk through conflict, using concepts like contrasting and finding mutual purpose?

*The above article contains an excerpt from the book "Fulfilled: Finding Joy and Prosperity In Life"

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