Tips for Bad Guys - How to Plan and Conduct Meetings and Calls.

I hope these sarcastic "bad tips" bring a smile and help you notice the very same bad habits in meetings that sometimes sneak into teamwork.

Bad Tips for Calls

1. Preparation is for the weak. Don’t waste time on drafts, analysis, or materials. A call without preparation is the key to success!
2. Call without warning! The "call" button is your best friend. Disrupt someone’s focus, let them struggle with context switching.
3. Don’t waste time explaining. No context, screen sharing, or problem description. Just throw questions and watch your colleague try to figure out what’s going on.
4. Why meet in person when you can call online? Even if your colleague is just a few steps away, call on Zoom or Teams. And speak loudly enough for the whole room to hear.
5. Set a cartoon avatar, don’t turn off your camera, and never let colleagues see what you look like. You wouldn’t want anyone to recognize you in person!
6. No notes or summaries. We aim for all memories and results to fade into oblivion.
7. Follow-up message after a call? Forget it! Rely on short-term memory because it’s the most unreliable.
8. Calendars are unnecessary too. Why create events? That would only help someone remember what the meeting was about. We don't want that!
9. If planning is unavoidable, schedule calls when colleagues are already in other meetings. Ask them to "listen to two calls at once." Easy, right?
10. Always pick the worst time for colleagues in different time zones. If they look sleepy or irritable—it’s only a bonus!
11. Change the call time an hour before it starts. It adds a nice element of surprise and some extra stress for everyone.

Bad Tips for Group Meetings

1. Give no description or links to documents in the calendar invite. Just list a Jira task number or random code as the title. Let participants guess what it's about.
2. Invite everyone you can—even people from other departments who have nothing to do with the topic. The phrase "We need to work as one team" will surely make them attend.
3. Start late. Ideally, wait for someone who is always 10-15 minutes late.
4. No opening statements or explanations. Let participants figure out the topic on their own.
5. Speak in abbreviations and ticket codes. Instead of saying "Add an email field to the feedback form," say: "I initiated TKT in ISS number 6363663 for adding EMP to WAF for CEM enablement." Decoding that is a real adventure!
6. Constantly change the topic. If you planned to discuss one issue, switch to another abruptly. It’ll ruin any expectations and preparation.
7. Get sidetracked by unrelated discussions. If the conversation goes into deep detail, don’t stop it or suggest a separate discussion. We don’t need to reach any clear decisions.
8. If someone has background noise or a barely functioning microphone, ignore it. Let it add some chaos to the call.
9. Ask every participant, one by one, if they want to add something. It’ll embarrass them and make them feel miserable.
10. It’s widely known that people lose focus after 45 minutes, so we must stretch the call as long as possible. No breaks during hours-long meetings.
11. Look judgmentally at anyone who leaves. Let everyone know: bathroom breaks are not an option.
12. Don’t record the calls. We don’t want participants to rewatch the video later and remember what was discussed.
13. Ignore time limits. If the room is booked after you—no problem, ask others to wait. Your meeting is the most important!

Верс?я Укра?нською: https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/%25D0%25BF%25D0%25BE%25D1%2580%25D0%25B0%25D0%25B4%25D0%25B8-%25D0%25B4%25D0%25BB%25D1%258F-%25D0%25BF%25D0%25BE%25D0%25B3%25D0%25B0%25D0%25BD%25D1%2586%25D1%2596%25D0%25B2-%25D1%258F%25D0%25BA-%25D0%25BF%25D0%25BB%25D0%25B0%25D0%25BD%25D1%2583%25D0%25B2%25D0%25B0%25D1%2582%25D0%25B8-%25D1%2582%25D0%25B0-%25D0%25BF%25D1%2580%25D0%25BE%25D0%25B2%25D0%25BE%25D0%25B4%25D0%25B8%25D1%2582%25D0%25B8-%25D0%25BD%25D0%25B0%25D1%2580%25D0%25B0%25D0%25B4%25D0%25B8-kochenkov-agpte/