The Tipping Point (Fort Wayne Magazine Article)

Rock-bottom can only be defined by the person digging the hole. As much as others will try to point it out for us, we are the only ones who can define what it means for ourselves, and until you know you've hit the bottom, you will never be able to tell how deep it is.?

For some, rock bottom could be defined as a season of weight gain (everyone can relate to that). Although your buddies might joke about it with you, the desire to change actually takes seeing yourself in a photo to realize what's happening. My rock bottom, however, was slightly different because it was accompanied by the cost of nearly losing my marriage to alcoholism. It took one last night of blacking out for me to finally see what I'm sure my "buddies" had seen all along. It may not have been a tangible photo, but it certainly was a window into a new reality for me if I continued to ignore the obvious.

March 8th, 2014, was my rock bottom, and as I attempt to articulate what it means to change, it's not a coincidence I'm doing so on the eve of hitting my tenth year of sobriety. For those "buddies" of mine who knew me as a drunk, I can guarantee, are just as shocked as I am that I made it this far, but that doesn't mean they're not happy for me. I know my closest friends saw in me what I never saw in myself back then, and for all the beliefs I have about wanting to prove people wrong, nothing can beat the feeling of proving someone right. It's because of my experiences with addiction that I get choked up watching someone I love or care for realize they are bound by only one thing: their self-limiting beliefs. With both of my kids in their teenage years, I find the best advice I can give to them is to stop caring what people think of them. My newfound mission is for my kids to facilitate their own self-discoveries because I know that doing so will instill a valuable component of leadership into them: confidence, and that was something I never had a shortage of.?

Watch my latest video on Youtube about what I've learned after being sober for 10 years. Exactly what I thought, Nothing.

If we hung around the same circles, you might hear the advice, "Trust God," and if you're like me, you would question, "What does that mean, or how do I trust God?" My entire life, I've heard that advice as I've encountered challenges, but up until discovering my self-defined rock bottom, it didn't hold any weight. Trusting God was never an action; it was just something you said, but then there's something beautiful at the bottom, something only those of us who have been there can describe. Mr. Rogers said that he would often ask people who were hurt to pray for him because he felt that they were always closest to God. I cried when I heard that because of how true it is for me.?

You see, when you're at the bottom, and there is nowhere to go, and everything in your life is unmanageable, is the exact moment you realize your life is entirely in His hands. Rock-bottom is a special place; it's not just a dark place where the world turns its back on you. It's where you learn to surrender, and although you won't see the significance of your surrender for quite some time, take solace, knowing that someday you'll look back at this moment and realize it's the most beautiful place you've ever been. The first step to changing your life starts with waving the white flag.?

Recognizing or defining the tipping points in our lives comes easy once we realize we can't unsee it, but what isn't easy is putting in motion the change that's needed after you wave the white flag. Unfortunately, it's the reason why so many of us turn back, or in recovery, why we relapse because we treat our pain with pleasure, and because of that, we come up with temporary fixes to the wrong problems. They're the wrong problems because they're on the surface, or they're what everyone else sees, but they're not the real problem. If we treat pain with, say, more pain, we won't be able to escape the need to change. As I often tell my client's sales teams when discussing their processes, "Once you expose the wound, you'll have no option but to fix it." I treated my desire to drink by admitting to all of my friends that I finally recognized what they've known all along and that under no circumstances whatsoever can they ask me to drink. It was the most painful action I've ever taken in my life to write a letter to all of my friends and confess my problems. Ten years later, here we are, "drinking club soda with a lime" and "looking forward to ordering the creme brulee over a cocktail," so I can focus on the daily problem I face: anger or, in other words, the real issue.?

Five years ago, a close family member on my wife's side called me to ask a favor. To talk to his adult son about his alcoholism and to get him to a recovery meeting with me. He was family, so I did everything I could for him, but in the end, the whiskey was all he could do to numb the loss of both of his parents within eighteen months of each other. After missing his own mother's funeral, he, after nearly three decades of abusing alcohol, finally defined his rock bottom. With the help of his sister, his brother-in-law, and I (who were the only people on earth who would have anything to do with him), we were able to locate an inpatient recovery center with an open bed that would accept his insurance. After 30 days of intense recovery, he was released from treatment. Although the story doesn't end the way any of us would have wanted it to end, there's a valuable lesson about change that he, and only he, could discover through his facilitation. This change happened when he was asked to come back to run an AA meeting. In that very moment, and for the days that followed, he shared with me just how significant that was for his recovery, and "Why is that?"? I asked. "Because I'm hurting, and by helping someone that doesn't see in themselves what I do, my hurt went away." He said. Unfortunately, Kevin passed away shortly after being released from inpatient recovery because, like so many of us, the only way to deal with all the pain was with pleasure, even at the cost of his own life.?

"Hurt people, hurt people, so if you're hurt, you should try helping someone."?

That was what I needed to experience early on in my recovery as I went on to share my testimony and ultimately lead the Christ-centered recovery group week in and week out on the southwest side of Fort Wayne.?

When I felt an urge to drink, I would help someone.

I concentrated so much energy into helping others or serving that there wasn't a week that would go by that I didn't feel uncomfortable with some new experience. All along, something began to happen in me that I hadn't witnessed in years. As my mind cleared up, my confidence returned, and out of nowhere, everything started to improve for me, both personally and professionally.?

I stopped caring about what other people thought because I had already shared everything with the world that was awful about me through my testimony, and so I started getting on with the rest of my life.?

"At the core of man's spirit are his life's experiences."

That's one of my favorite quotes. I write that because I use the experience I've gained and the perspective I've been shown through my struggles to help others. In my business as the Founder of Disruptur, a Brand Engagement Agency, I empower my clients to use vulnerability to establish trust with their prospective clients. Rather than provide them with the play-by-play, I take an abstract approach by setting the bar very low with my own version. This gives them a sense of perspective that whatever happens won't be the worst thing and, finally, allows them to facilitate their self-discovery.?

At Disruptur, we have two mottos; the first is YDKWDK (IYKYK). Anytime you do something you've never done before or no one else has ever done, you find yourself in an uncomfortable position for the first and last time, fully prepared for what comes next.?

That's the process of how I changed my life, and in every facet of it, from Disruptur to family to my community, I want people to see me as someone who leads by example. Not someone abiding by the so-called rule book, and more importantly, someone who lives a life that demands an explanation.

B. Rabbit once said, "Tell these people something they don't know about me."

#beaDisruptur?

Fort Wayne Magazine, March 2024

If you have questions, are struggling, need help, or just want to talk, please email me, and I will make myself available. [email protected]