#Timetotalk? That means we need to listen.

“I’m a really great listener.”

Most of us won’t say this out loud - but we’re likely to think it.

Because being a good listener is… easy, right?

You nod, you smile or frown (context-depending) and add a murmur of ‘hmm’ or ‘yeah, me too’.

It’s not rocket science, especially if you have more introverted tendencies.

In fact, good listening is much more than finding ease in keeping quiet and throwing in an encouraging nod every now and then. It’s not passive; it’s very much an active undertaking and one that takes practice and skill.

The gap between passive and active listening can be wide and often cause instances of miscommunication.

When we listen right, it has transformative effects on both ourselves and the person we are listening to.

Listening can help people both inside and outside of the workplace. Our 2024 research paper The Emotional Wellbeing Survey found that employees who indicated that they were listened to at work, (indicated by the fact they felt comfortable expressing their feelings) enjoyed: better sleep, reduced stress levels and had greater job satisfaction compared to those who felt they could not express their emotions at work.

Last week’s ‘Time To Talk’ campaign by Mind and Rethink Mental Illness encourages people struggling to speak out and open up about how they’re really feeling.

So we’re sharing resources for the people they open up to - and how to provide the best support possible, through deep listening.

Learn To Be Aware of Your Internal Convictions and Biases

Pre-existing bias can get in the way of good listening, particularly when the subject is something we are passionate about or invested in (such as a colleague, friend or family member’s habits, or wellbeing). We tend to focus more on what we feel and think about what is being said, rather than focusing on what others are trying to communicate.

Reflect on the assumptions and beliefs you might hold about the people you care about.

How could they or have they prevented you from listening properly?

How might they be showing up in conversations?

Quieten Down Your Inner Bob The Builder

When people share with us feelings of sadness, pain, frustration, or worry, it’s natural to instinctively jump into ‘fix it mode’. You care about this person; maybe you can even relate to their hurt or the struggles they are going through. So of course, you want to share your ideas and thoughts on the things that could solve their predicament, or fix their upset.

The problem? Despite all your good intentions, the most useful thing you can do (especially when someone first opens up) is to sit and listen. Listen deeply, intently, and fully.

This means:

• Quietening that inner voice that goes ‘What about X’ or ‘Maybe you should try Y’
• Resisting the urge to share your thoughts or opinions on the situation. Only share if you’re specifically asked ‘What do you think?’ and remain as non-judgemental as possible.
• Asking gentle, open-ended questions that encourage your confidant to continue with their train of thought.

Be A Mirror For Them

Part of the reason being deeply listened to is so beneficial, is that it can really help us to clarify our thoughts, and notice things about our internal monologue. Listeners can help greatly, by acting as a mirror to the speaker, and their internal thoughts.

The easiest way to do so is to repeat back what you think you've heard and ask if it’s correct:

For example: "I think what you are saying is X and Y. Is that right?”

Or..."What I heard you say is X and Y. What did I miss?"

Or..." it seems like you’re feeling X and Y. What else is there?"

Want to learn more about the art, and importance of Deep Listening?

Check out some of our favourite resources and thinkers:

For Your Commute

Kate Murphy: Author of the bestselling novel 'You're Not Listening', Kate's appearance on the Good Life Project podcast is a great introduction to the key principles and insights (grounded in cultural and scientific observation) in her book.

You can listen here.

To Share With Your Team

Oscar is an author and keynote speaker who's worked with boards of directors and executive teams to help them harness the transformative power and practice of deep listening. His downloadable resource The Five Myths of Listening dispels some of the most common misconceptions about deep listening and provides some fascinating reframes on age-old listening wisdom.

Help Us Increase The Richness of Our Resources

Have you created (or know of) a resource, article, podcast episode, or video episode on deep listening?

We’d love to share it with our audience, to give air time and credit to your/their thinking. We are particularly eager to promote the work and thinking of underrepresented voices; so if you, or someone you know or work with has some thinking to share on deep listening, please get in touch with Lizzi Philokyprou ([email protected]) today.