The time-travelling dad

Around this time, nine years ago, I attended a meeting with my son's Pediatrician to hear the news he was diagnosed autistic.

... scared, upset, annoyed, frustrated, broken, defeated, mad... wow! Even writing and remembering that day makes me think how the hell did I get through it.

The news did not come as a surprise either. We knew (his mum and me) and prepared ourselves mentally, but listening to the news officially, well it hurt... a lot! Whilst listening I remember thinking the following -

1) What's going to happen when I die, and will he be okay?

2) Will he be like Raymond from Rain Man?

3) Am I strong enough to deal with this?

For any parent, irrelevant of whether a child has extra needs or not the first question is always going to be a worry but when you are a parent of a child with additional caring needs, it does add extra pressure...

...as for the Rain Man thing, at the time all I'd ever known about autism was based on this movie and I linked this to question one around a fear of leaving him in a world he won't understand without his dad being there to care for him... at the time he was non-verbal too.

However, it is the last question which put the hook in me. I mean I knew I loved him up to the moon n' back (and back again!), that was the easy part, but how could I, his dad, struggle seeing him feeling upset, bullied at school, lonely perhaps, lost at times and so many other challenges I knew we’re coming. 

(And they all did by the way!) 

And I know it is a little selfish of me to say this but would I find enough mental and physical strength to deal with this new level of hurt and, would it ever go away?

As you can imagine, I was in a bad place.

So, here I am nine years on, and I can tell you from the bottom of my heart the journey has been nothing more than incredible. I can't go into all the up's and downs as I'd be writing forever but what I can say with confidence is it's been a pleasure beyond belief to father my son. Yes, it’s been a roller coaster ride at times but it’s also been a fascinating life experience which I can’t ever change and wouldn’t want to. 

MY LIFE... MY PURPOSE... MY SON.

I do wish one though. I wish I could back in time to that Dr's office & tell my worried self the following:

"Lee, trust me when I say this, I'm you in 9 years. And yes, you have put a little weight on and you're hair is going grey... hello! 

Oh and go easy on the takeaways too!

But, you're going on the greatest adventure ever. You will not only learn about the awesome world of autism & neurodiversity but more importantly, you'll learn about how great you can be in helping him achieve his potential.... and I promise, it's all going to be amazing.

You have to trust me."

Now… let's go back to those 3 questions and I’ll explain how over time I’ve dealt with them.

Well, it's wasn't as difficult as I thought. I found a solution. The mother of all remedies unavailable in a chemist or GP surgery… It’s also free.

... it's called Love. (great tip here)

Oh I know it's an obvious thing to say right and here I am a 6 ft 2 northern guy saying things like that. tssssh! Well, it's true... and look, kids with autism feed off it like football fans watching their team score a winning goal! 

Losing all the tension & worry I changed these ingredients to love, care & patience and they’ve supported his personal development beyond my initial imaginations.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all utopia… you will mess up now and again and make mistakes. You’ll say the wrong things at times, fall out with people, not understand all the stuff you need to learn, be overwhelmed, find out who your true friends are. I have to say I have been very lucky there too.

And being a parent of a child with autism is an incredible test of your inner strength. You will feel lonely at times, lost, sad, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, confused, discombobulated!

Really selling the positives in that last paragraph! :-)

But, here's the good stuff... you'll feel elated, fantastic, proud, overjoyed, challenged, overwhelmed at times with motivation, strong, determined and every other positive you can think of.

So why am I sharing all this? I guess it's to reach parents who like me, might be in the same boat I was all those years ago. I want to tell them they're not alone and they can do this.

 And so, to finish off I’m including a few tips which I think might help.

1) Firstly Breath! Support for kids and adults with ASD is getting better. It is by no means perfect (*big understatement) so don't get too giddy, but social services and education is improving... a little!

 2) Try to build healthy relationships with parents of kids with autism. Also talk to friends, your boss, workmates and explain how you're feeling. It's good to have a moan now and again but in saying that try not to talk about autism 24/7. 

3) Keep healthy and happy

3) Get organized - this is essential! Record every chat with your school, doctor and local authority. 

5) Fight for everything and never give up trying to get the best support for your child. No one will come to you with help.

6) Research - I built a website called - www.helpingmelive.co.uk and set up and run an activity day for kids with extra needs in my local area. It's been fab meeting other parents with similar challenges and great to see these kids make new friends.

7) Don't be embarrassed when you're outside in shops, cafes etc. People will stare sometimes when your child is having a meltdown and I won't lie it is frustrating. My advice - stare back, they soon look away! ( I know that's not great advice but trust me you won't be able to hold back)

8) Learn to be patient... so important. Read this article and you'll get what I mean.

9) Don't worry if your child wants to play video games or stay inside most of the time. Your home is their happy place, so just chill. But, in saying that, maybe introduce a few unconventional activities if football, rugby isn't on the menu. Look at trampolining, walking your dog, swimming is great, photography, badminton, basketball or just plodging in puddles!

Be creative! 

10) Finally... you are strong enough, you really are. You have to be! I sometimes use the analogy that the stork delivered my son and so what if he thinks a little different, who wants to be normal in this day and age anyway!

And so there you have it... my 10 tips. There are more I could add here but these should keep you on the straight and narrow!

So, throw those curtains wide... you've got this!