Time for recalibration.

Some of you may have noticed my brief LinkedIn post, announcing my departure as Head of Design from KD. The response has been incredibly supportive but I wanted to shed some light on my reasons for doing so, as it inherently relates to decisions on next steps...something many of you have asked about.

When I took on the role nearly 3 years ago, I had every intention of this being a long stint. KD had acquired Square Banana (my previous business) and I was excited by the opportunity to lead a large design team and work collaboratively alongside some amazingly talented researchers, engineers, technologists, human factors specialists and modelmakers. KD had recently undergone an MBO so there was a palpable sense of renewal and ambition which I was keen to embrace and tap into. It had taken me an incredibly long time to come to a decision to relinquish my own business and become part of another, but I was happy with the decision and looked forward to an exciting future.

I threw myself into the role and relished the larger projects, wider reach and greater influence. I started seeing positive changes as a result of my endeavours and it felt good.

However, fast forward 2 years, and I started noticing that I was getting ill more often. Nothing untoward or life changing but enough to wipe out a week every once in a while, which as a previous business owner, felt like small eternities! I also looked at my hours (a by-product of consultancy life is that you are expected to log every hour you spend working, as it needs to be allocated or billed to a specific client or project) and noticed that over the course of 2 years, I had worked 3 years’ worth in hours alone. For every 2 weeks, I'd worked 3. And this wasn’t ‘peaky’ either...it was consistent, and ultimately unsustainable.

I am very aware that hours worked are often a byproduct of character and a personal mode of operation. I have no doubt that my years as a business owner and the inherent way I approach and handle my work are key factors in why these hours racked up and not a reason to blame a business - although you could argue that it is also the responsibility of the business to ensure that people within it maintain a healthy balance. I know for a fact that many in the consultancy sector (and beyond for sure) will scoff at these hours and boast higher numbers. This industry (or at least the industry I developed within) often expects high level commitment in response to short term demands and long hours are endemic. It’s a complicated picture and by no means resolved and I'm as much part of the problem by doing these hours as needing to be pivotal in finding a solution. Anyway, that's another story.

However, the moment that defined what ultimately became a decision to do something, was when one of my daughters commented - out of the blue - that I wasn’t myself anymore. I have two early teenage daughters who say it how it is and respond to circumstances honestly. Out of the mouth of babes....and all that. They had noticed that I was less attentive, more short tempered, always on my phone and generally less ‘present’. This simple observation utterly floored me, as the one thing I hold dear over everything else, is my approach to being a parent. I’ve made a number of significant life changing decisions in my life to ensure that family and children are prioritised (turning down jobs, long commutes and living abroad etc.) so this hit me where it hurt.

They didn’t mean to hurt me, they simply made an observation. And they were correct.

This also made me very aware of my mental health as it forced me to take a step back and start to look at my happiness, my success criteria and my goals (in the broader sense and in parallel with those of my wife and daughters). It made me realise that I had spent the last 25 years going like the clappers (apologies to my international readers who may not have a clue what that means....here’s an explanation) and whilst there had been times of readjustment with moving countries or jobs, the ‘energy trajectory’ had always been consistent or increasing in tune with ambition.

I guess you could call me a classic, stereotypical Gen X male. Work hard. Stop bitching. Keep your feelings to yourself. Crack on. Carry the load. Stiff upper lip etc. etc.

I started to realise that my mental health, my physical health, my parental presence and my overall happiness were all being compromised by my commitment to the role at KD. For sure, there are myriad reasons we are all unhappy with where we work. Whether it's people we don’t agree with or projects we don’t believe in or strategic business directions we can’t align with. All of these things build up and - without you being overtly aware of it - start to tip the balance. The scales ever so slowly but ever so surely shift from one where you are in control and happy with your ‘life balance’ to one where you realise you’ve become less present to those that are central to your home life and more consumed by day to day obligations in your work life, be they actual hours or just mental occupation. Initially, I wrote it all off as I normally would - it’s a blip. I just need a holiday. It’s the winter blues - but the more I thought about it, the more I realised I couldn’t fundamentally serve both masters.

Something had to give.

So I decided to leave my job. It’s an incredibly easy thing to say in the heat of the moment, but to admit that you need to do it and then actually do it, without reverting to looking for another job or making small adjustments in the hope that everything will be better is something I took some time to resolve. In truth, I’d made some changes to my work patterns to try to resolve some of these things as much as the role might allow, but they did not fundamentally allow for the level of change that I came to realise I needed.

I’ve called it lots of different things, but the best word I can find is ‘recalibration’. It’s not a breakdown. It’s not a temperamental flounce. It’s not a sabbatical. It’s not enforced (other than by me). I’m not incapable at doing my job. I’ve just decided to stop for a bit and recalibrate. Clear my head and focus on being the parent and husband that my kids and my wife deserve.

I’ve seen a few people I hold dear, struggle with similar life stage decisions, not do anything about it and suffer the consequences, often irreversibly. I don’t want to be that guy. I need to step off the hamster wheel. A few people have asked what my next step is going to be. In truth, I have no idea and that’s a wonderfully liberating (although slightly unnerving) place to be. I’m forcing myself not to make any significant decisions in the next 3 months. I need to give myself the time to recalibrate and then I will be in a much better position to work out what it is I want to channel my energies and passion toward. If you asked me right now, I’m drawn towards where human behaviour and technological innovation overlap, but I’m going to park that for a while...

I absolutely love design and creative problem solving. I’m a creative consultant at heart and get a massive thrill from working WITH people - be they graduates, peers, suppliers or clients - to solve something using good old fashioned creative brain juice and all the modern technology at our disposal. I’ve been fortunate to work for a number of world class consultancies, run my own business, work abroad and have even developed and launched my own product (albeit unsuccessfully....that’s another long story!) whilst working with some of the largest global brands as well as the tiniest of ambitious startups. I’ve been incredibly privileged in my career to date and want to find something with the same level of satisfaction, collaboration and creativity, working with clever, talented and inspirational people.

I'd also like to thank those at KD that have been supportive and encouraging of my decision - you know who you are - it has not gone unnoticed. I have, and always will have, a soft spot for KD (I wouldn't have returned if it were not the case) and wish it every success for the future.

So I’m going take a bit of time out to renovate a bathroom and build a shed. Spend some time with my family and give myself a decent amount of time to think.

Always interested to hear from people and meet up for a coffee or a beer - discussing things can often add clarity, rather than letting things stew. I have no agenda or immediate ambitions. I’m just trying my best to keep an open mind and let myself recalibrate.

I may look back in a few months and regret the decision, but something tells me that's unlikely.

Over and out....for now.