That Time My BFF Invented a New Language Category...D-Words

Back when I was in journalism school, the Chicago Tribune's Mike Royko was my columnist hero. I aspired to achieve his level of writer's voice. Royko's literary sidekick was Slats Grobnik, a culmination of the people he grew up with, and a wry commentator on Chicago politics and life in general. Mine is Marovich, and she's 3-D real--the Thing 1 to my Thing 2, the Waldorf to my Statler (those caustic old dudes in the balcony on The Muppets--we own the action figures). The t-shirt you see above was probably inspired by her.

We chat every morning on my way home from the gym. Marovich (the aforementioned Peloton owner) is a fitness fanatic, so she actually wants to hear the details of my workouts, beyond the comedic stuff that tends to happen when I'm around, like backwards somersaults off of the stability ball (for that, she'd also want video).

On Friday, she reminded me of her sharp business brain. You see, Marovich was the CEO of a B2B company with 150 employees. She's seen it all. And she has a low tolerance for B2B vernacular, so we were comparing our least favorites this industry bites into and refuses to relinquish, like a pitbull with a bone. You know, words like bifurcated. Ubiquitous. Solutions provider. Many call them "bullshit bingo" words, but naturally, Marovich invented a more succinct category: DOUCHEBAG WORDS. D-Words, for short. In fact, Marovich inspired a mutual friend, who shall remain nameless, to write Lamentations of a B2B Writer...it goes something like this:

The B2B Writer’s Lament

Is there anything less spectacular

Than writing in D-word vernacular?

You might say we’re all iniquitous

In our over-use of “ubiquitous,”

We also tend to super-size

How often we say “utilize,”

When typically, the word “use” will do,

We’re guilty of that, a time or two;

Can you feel that growing sense of disdain

Up and down the value chain?

Included in this year’s resolutions

Are brochures with fewer words like “solutions,”

And fueling future readers’ enjoyment

Will be fewer mentions of any “deployment,”

We’d rather be You-Tubing stupid pet tricks

Than writing another blog about metrics,

We’d dearly love to say goodbye

To bottom lines and ROI;

Whomever deemed these terms “best-in-class”

Can slather on Chapstick to kiss my SaaS!