The Time I Tried to Change My Past—and Nearly Lost Everything

We all have moments where we look back and think, What if? What if I had been stronger? What if I hadn’t walked away? What if I had held on just a little longer?

For years, I was haunted by these questions.

Sixteen years ago, I walked away from a prestigious PhD program at the National University of Singapore. I wasn’t prepared for the challenge—emotionally, mentally, or academically. The language barrier left me isolated, and my communication skills felt inadequate. My colleagues were brilliant, and every day I felt like I was drowning, unable to keep up with their talent. I felt small.

So I quit.

Since then, I’ve built a good life—a family, a fulfilling career in advanced research—but despite everything, I was haunted by the thought that I had let myself down. The title of "professor" slipped through my fingers, and no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, I felt that failure lurking in the background.

Then, one night, something happened that changed everything.

The Dream That Made Me Face My Fears

Late one evening, exhausted from work, I fell asleep at my desk. What happened next felt more real than any dream I’d ever had.

I found myself back in the lab, standing in front of a glowing discovery—a compound that allowed me to control time. I could go back. I could fix it all. I could erase the mistakes I’d made.

In the dream, I was finally able to rewrite the moments that haunted me. I went back to the day I left NUS, but this time, I stayed. I rewound the times I doubted myself, replaced them with moments of triumph, and watched my future unfold. My career soared. I became the professor I always wanted to be.

But as the dream progressed, something strange happened.

In chasing this "better" version of myself, I began to lose everything that mattered most. My wife, once my constant support, drifted away. My daughter, who used to run into my arms, now barely looked me in the eye. My health—the one thing I had fiercely protected—began to crumble under the weight of my obsession with the past.

The more I tried to fix, the more I lost.

The Real Villain: My Own Insecurities

It wasn’t time that was the villain. It was me.

It wasn’t the missed opportunities that weighed me down; it was my own belief that I wasn’t enough. I was trying to fix my life not out of passion, but out of a deep-rooted insecurity. I wanted the title, the recognition, the approval.

In my dream, as I chased perfection, I watched my real life slip away.

The Hardest Truth: You Can’t Fix What Wasn’t Broken

Then, suddenly, I woke up. The dream had left me shaken to my core.

I realized that my life wasn’t something that needed fixing. It was already full of meaning, full of love, full of purpose.

The insecurities that drove me to leave NUS all those years ago didn’t define me anymore. Yes, I had struggled. Yes, I had walked away. But the life I had built since then—the relationships, the work, the health I’d fought for—was more than enough. It wasn’t just enough; it was exactly what I needed.

No title or accolade could ever give me the peace that comes from knowing you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

The Life Lessons I Carry Forward

That dream wasn’t just an emotional wake-up call—it was a turning point. It taught me three vital lessons:

- Ambition without self-acceptance leads to destruction. You can strive for greatness, but if you can’t accept who you are along the way, you’ll never be satisfied.

- True success isn’t found in titles, it’s found in relationships. Family, health, and meaningful work—these are the things that define success. Not the accolades we chase.

- Time is precious. Don’t waste it looking back. The past can’t be rewritten, and the future is built on the choices you make today. Don't let regret rob you of the present.

Today, I no longer chase what could have been. I’m driven by what is—by the family I love, the work that excites me, and the health that sustains me.

I’ve stopped wishing for a different life. I’ve found peace in this one—the one I was meant to live.

Conclusion: Embracing the Now

This isn’t a story of loss; it’s a story of discovery. A story that taught me the most valuable lesson of all: success isn’t about fixing the past, it’s about appreciating the present.

We all have moments where we wonder What if? But maybe the real question is What now?

Because what we have right now—the life in front of us—might just be exactly what we were looking for all along.