For such a time as this...

For such a time as this… I remember hearing it almost as a quiet whisper from within: “You are here for such a time as this”.?I think it was 2018 when I started to hear it; two years before the pandemic.?It was a particularly difficult time in my career and part of me wanted to throw in the towel.?I almost left my job because of it, but I stayed.?I stayed partly because I had come to believe that quiet voice; believe that there was a reason for being where I was.?

I remember the early days; the sudden frenzy of triaging patients to determine who would be tested and who would not be.??“Where did they travel??What are their symptoms?”?It was a tremendous responsibility for all of us to bare.?The country didn’t have enough tests in those early days so every single patient was carefully considered to determine who would be lucky enough to receive a test.?The phones rang nonstop until finally we identified our first case.?At least 10 of us spent every day in the office, all day, including weekends. We did the contact tracing for those first cases and it was often an all day ordeal.?Where did they travel and who did they have contact with??I wish I’d kept a journal to record my experience of those early days, but who had the time???

I remember when we started running out of PPE.?I remember educating healthcare facilities throughout the state on how to “conserve” PPE so that healthcare workers had enough for the next day and the next month.?I remember a physician calling me from a private practice to tell me that they had run out of masks; calling me to ask where they can get more.?They couldn’t get any.?How would they keep their practice open if they couldn’t get any masks??I remember repeating the phrase “This is an unprecedented and quickly evolving situation… because it was.?

I remember trying to keep up with the guidance.?Work was nonstop so I would often lay awake in bed until late at night reading new guidance from my phone until I fell asleep.?And then I would read it again the next night.?I was the nurse consultant for the state.?I had to know the guidance so that I could help others to know the guidance.?My phone would ring all day with questions.?At one point I would start to hear phantom ringing because my phone had been ringing so frequently that I started to hear it ringing when it wasn’t.?

I remember the first outbreak; how it was called directly to me.?I remember going to the site, talking with the staff, making observations, and providing recommendations.?Little did I know, that would be the first of an unfathomable number of times that I would make those recommendations.?I remember every single one with incredible clarity.?I remember how quickly things escalated after the first cases and the first outbreaks.?I remember being so grateful for our team; so grateful for my colleagues in the Infectious Disease Bureau at the state health department. It was hard but we were in it together, we made it through those days together.?

I remember traveling to outbreaks all across the state.?I remember a healthcare worker crying to me that she was afraid, that she didn’t know whether she could do this anymore.?I remember looking her in the eyes and telling her that she could.?I remember feeling exhausted.?But it wasn’t just a physical exhaustion; I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.?The numbers were not just numbers… they were people; mothers, uncles, sisters, friends.?And we knew that all too well.?We saw the devastation that the virus caused.?We witnessed firsthand the struggles of those caught in its throes.?We watched how quickly it spread as we tracked and reported every week on the numbers country by country, state by state, and county by county.?

I remember the dark days; the countless nights when I would break down in tears. I remember experiencing more stress in a day than I was used to feeling in a month.?I remember all too often reaching for a glass of wine at night to quell my anxiety. I remember the many angry calls I received.?I remember not being able to keep up with the calls, the emails, and the endless need.?I remember the failures.?I remember the defeats.?

But mostly… I remember the successes.?I remember every outbreak I closed.?I remember the strength and closeness of the team and leadership I was privileged to work alongside.?I remember the sincere thanks of the facilities and individuals that I had the opportunity to help.?I remember the sweet smile of the healthcare worker who I was able to comfort in her own moment of darkness and despair.?I remember realizing that I was living moments that would be written into history.?I remembered that for such a time as this I had been given an opportunity to make a real difference in the world, both big and small.?

For the past year, I have fought beside some of the best public health colleagues at the state and county health departments as we have worked together to respond to the largest pandemic we may ever see in our lifetimes.?We have all had moments of success and our moments of failure.?But, through it all, we were together.?And I will be forever grateful to each and every one of them for their support, mentoring, and example.?

Late last year, I made the decision to step away from my role at the state health department and begin a new journey with the Johns Hopkins Office of Population Health as the Director of Infection Control.?I didn’t choose this direction because I thought it would be easier; au contraire, my friend, I think it will also be quite challenging.?And lately, challenges have become my quiet company.?

Quite honestly, as I prayerfully thought through the decision, I heard that quiet voice whisper again: “For such a time as this…” And for me, I realized that my time at the state had come to a close.?I was being nudged into a new direction, into a new challenge on this journey that we call life.?So excitedly and with anticipation, I hope that in this new role I’ll be able to take everything that I have learned and experienced to continue making things just a little bit better.?Because, in the end, I think maybe that’s what we’re all supposed to be doing.?

No matter where you are and no matter how hard it may be, you are here for such a time as this; wherever “here” is.?So don’t just get through these moments… grow through them.?Don’t worry so much about the destination as you do the journey.?Life is really more about the journey and less about the destination anyways, whichever one it is that you’re chasing.?So just live the day. Because tomorrow is tomorrow; it’ll work itself out.???

Cheers to the journey.

Heather