The time has come for feminine leadership, and that includes men.

The 8th of March is International Women’s Day. On this occasion, I'd like to put forth the arguments that the time has come for a feminine style of leadership, one based on influence and not power-and-control, and that this style is available to both women and men. In this article, I'll also illustrate this style of leadership and how it can be used to support individuals giving their best at work. Lastly, I've also chosen to share another story, this time about reconnecting with my feminine after 17 years of investment banking.

The way we're working isn't working.

Against the backdrop of chronically low staff engagement levels, notably in Australia, and the productivity costs that accompany this I-don’t-give-a-toss attitude, organisations need to face two uncomfortable truths: 

Firstly, command and control, top down leadership no longer works. When someone in authority says 'jump,' people no longer ask 'how high?' Secondly, employees leave a boss, not a company. 

So how do leaders need to treat their team members to get them past simply compliant to truly committed to the organisation?

Who got you to give the best of yourself?

When I run my From Compliant to Committed Workshop, I ask participants to identify and list the behaviours of this person. How did they do it? Each time, the answers are identical and not once has someone ever said "They paid me a big fat bonus". Answers include - 

• Treated me like a human being, not just an employee
• Believed in me, even when I did not believe in myself
• Gave me stretch goals
• Trusted me
• Was interested in my well-being
• Asked my opinion and listened to the answer
• Was honest. Would admit when s/he was wrong
• Gave helpful feedback, both positive and negative
• Showed appreciation for my contribution
• Did not punish me when I made a mistake
• Set a good example

What does gender have to do with this?

In my experience - and I'm willing (and want!) to have the discussion - I'll argue women are largely socialised to have these behaviours: to find harmony in the group, to think before we speak, to be attentive to the needs of others. So the natural foundation is there when this socialisation occurs.

What gets in the way for women ? Limiting beliefs such as "I'm not good enough," "No one is interested in what I have to say," "I don't deserve that role" are very common in my work with women. In the coaching framework, we will look to challenge the accuracy of these beliefs and to replace them by ones that support your development.

So what about men? I'll argue that these behaviours can come naturally for some men and for those where they do not, they can be learned. It's not a question of personality, which is the push-back I often get, behaviour is a choice. This is where developmental coaching can help and we define together "How do you want to show up" at work and life generally.

And we need to talk about the B word...

From my coaching work and interaction in society, I do note - with much sadness - that women often deny their femininity and become the dreaded bitch at work. Every office has one... and they wreak havoc in the culture, and very possibly in their own lives. If we unpack the drivers behind this, I will argue that women feel they need to toughen up to survive, to cut through, to climb the ladder, which is deplorable.

From my own banking career in Australia, I'd have to plea guilty as charged - by some - of this behaviour. I had someone once feed back to me how I was described by a male in the industry: "She knows her shit, but she's a bit of a ball breaker," which could also flag a very real double standard, but that's not the topic.

So how did I move past this behaviour?

It was Victoria, my therapist. Another one of her crazy ideas.

"You know, Suzanne. You’ve got your masculine side down pat. Why don’t try connecting with your feminine side?"

What the hell was that supposed to mean? Connect with my feminine side? That I stay at home with my kids and bake more? That I pay more attention to my grooming? Touch up my greys? Wear higher heels or some lipstick? 

Surely she wasn’t suggesting I become all mushy, soft and weak…. Did she realise I worked in a trading room? Did she have any idea what that meant? Mushy? Over my dead body!

I looked at Victoria and pondered the weight of her suggestion. 

And she looked at me, standing by her challenge, knowing it was the way forward.

Then I finally found my words, or rather my question: "Why?"

Why would I want to connect with my feminine?

But then I remembered – First the truth will first piss you off, but then it will set you free. So I waited for the truth to be explained to me.

"Suzanne, you are achieving so much, but you are depriving yourself of even more. The feminine holds your ability to love, to nurture, to create, restore and regenerate. The feminine does not mean weakness. It means strength, but in a different way to the masculine. It's control over yourself and not over others. That’s feminine strength. To speak your truth, without aggression or abuse. To remain strong without becoming a bitch."

And so once again, I set out upon my journey, looking for the feminine I had lost along the way. The part of me I discarded to get rid of all evidence of weakness and vulnerability.

Once I found her, I apologised, as old friends do, for having neglected her. We spent time re-connecting, getting to know each other again. 

And I’ve now integrated my feminine back into who I am. It sits there alongside with my masculine, both working together to provide the balance of energy I need to drive and accomplish as well as to nurture and restore. 

Reconnecting with my feminine has been a core element in rebuilding my life. Because almost everything – relationships, health and intuition – depends on it. 

Reconnecting with my feminine has also been a core element in building my business. Because almost everything – chronic stress, burnout and dis-ease – need it to heal. 

I’ve come to see my femininity as my strength. I've come to see femininity in general as the way forward in ‘improving’ the corporate world.

About Suzanne

She gets to the heart of what drives and inspires people, as well as what limits them and prevents them from realising their fullest potential. She also understands the importance of the mind and the power of conscious choice to create a desired reality, as well as the merits of planning and working methodically towards a goal. 

Having spent 17 years managing equity derivatives businesses in over ten countries, she also gets it. She understands the pressures of working in highly competitive and complex environments. 

Her career transition to coaching was motivated by a genuine desire to support the development of human-centric leadership as a sustainable solution to the chronically low levels of engagement and high levels of stress in today’s corporate world. 

She is a teacher at UTS Business School for executive education and leadership subjects. She is on the approved panel of coaches for the NSW government.