A Time For Deep Listening...

To those brave and selfless women and men of the medical community who are on the front lines of a war against a relentless enemy, our words cannot express what you are doing for our loved ones. We will never forget you. Please be safe.

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We are in a time and place right now of (perhaps) too many 'experts', too much blather of every kind, form and fashion, too much advice, too much focus on 'me', too much 'sharing' and far too much of a need to be looked at on social media.

We have an over supply of governments, opportunists, prognosticators, bad actors, future seekers and forecasters.

[If, by the way, in offering this post, it makes me guilty of being any of the above, I fully respect that you will sign off right now as I understand that what follows may be of no added value to you. Please stay safe].

Without doubt, people are hurting, afraid, frustrated, in never-before-seen and uncharted territory and trapped by the one thing that virtually every human being dreads; the feeling of not being in control of so many aspects of our lives. We like control. We detest losing it or worse, having it taken away from us.

And, maybe as a natural reaction, people want to rise to the occasion. They offer, we hope mostly with good intention, advice, advice, advice and more advice. The lists of "do's" and "don't do's" has even overwhelmed the internet and the grid in ways everyone said could never happen. In less than 4 weeks, we have been 'Videoed', 'Zoomed' and 'FaceTimed' into oblivion.

And so what is the alternative, what is the opposite of too many words coming from too many places and faces? How can we be 'socially distant' and still up close and personal with anyone we encounter today?

The answer I would offer is something called 'Deep Listening'. While those two words 1st occurred to me early one morning this week, further research tells me that I cannot, and should not, claim pride of original authorship of them. Smarter people already did that.

That said, for me the term has these specific meanings and, again for me, it requires a personal decision to do something.

That decision can be made and remembered with the words, "...I will..." as in:

I will connect with someone today preferably by phone or, if need be, from across the sidewalk or across the yard. I will ask them how they are doing. I will then be quiet and listen to them. I will not tell them what I think or what I need or how I am feeling, I will ask them what they need and what they think. And then I will listen deeply to what they say.

I will resist the urge to switch the conversation back to me. If I have questions for my new, perhaps momentary companion, they should be in the form of; "what is on your mind or your heart right now" [or] "tell me more about that" [or] "is there something specific that you need" [or] "how can I help you with that" [or] "thank you for spending your time with me"

Deep Listening may require that I temporarily resist my urge to judge others, or not block out unpleasant or new information or expect that every human being is always nice or easy to meet or attracted to the same things that attract me. The reality is that people are imperfect (and count me as being first in that line).

Going an entire day without offering my opinions (yes, I'm already violating that right now), with being quiet and asking questions, with not being my usual type triple-A personality and, most importantly, by slowing or stopping my mind down long enough to actually hear what the other person is saying - all of that will be a herculean task that I am sure, I will fail at the first few times out.

The reality is that no single person on this earth, despite their title, name, rank or serial number has any idea how long this 'new normal' will be with us. And that is a very harsh and bitter pill right now.

But there is also another very certain reality that no one can refute and anyone and everyone can choose to address.

There are people right now desperately seeking someone to speak to. Someone who will listen to them. People who have lost jobs who are already over run with advice on what to do and waiting for someone to just ask how they are, even if we think we already know the answer. Listen to them and we might actually hear a way that we can do something specifically just for them.

There are 1st responders, doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists and more who are too busy for the luxury of five minutes for someone to listen to them. When they cry out, and they seldom so, who will be there for them? Other people as well who are not sheltering-in-place but who are out on the streets or in their workplaces daily, 100% on behalf of someone or something else; check in on them with a quick 'ask' of one kind or another and then Listen Deeply to them.

A long time ago I committed to not responding to people who had unpleasant things about their health or the family or their jobs to share with me by saying, "...oh, I know just how you feel..." . That, I learned, was an unconscious way to shift the focus back to me. No, I do not know how just you feel unless I have been in exactly your situation which is, of course, impossible.

By Deep Listening, we will learn more about others, about ourselves and about ways that certain words or phrases that people say may trigger an idea or an opportunity that we would surely have missed if we were the ones doing all the talking.

Today, or certainly very soon, we all want the 'big solution' or the proverbial magic bullet to appear. And I, like you pray that it comes.

In the meantime, big differences can be made in very small steps.

Godspeed to all.

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Allan DeNiro is an Author, Speaker and Facilitator for Organizations and Industry Gatherings. Now is not the time for promotion or advertising. If you learned something today, please share this article across your networks.