That Time a Conference Call Made Me Want to Die (Literally)

HELLO AGAIN!

Happy 2022, y’all!

Welcome back to the?Call Camille Newsletter, a monthly-ish email by Yours Truly that tackles workplace safety and health. I’m leaning heavily on the -ish in monthly-ish, as it has been awhile. I’m excited and nervous for this issue, to be honest, because it’s vulnerable. If you wanna chat, I would LOVE to?hear from you.

In this issue?… real talk about burnout, tears, and harmful thoughts. Plus, what are you doing to reward yourself?

That Time a Conference Call Made Me Want to Die (Literally)

Taking care of yourself is the most generous thing you can do.

TW: Contains talk about suicidal ideations

Everybody and their cousin is talking about burnout.?The Great Resignation. The world is changing.?In the world of safety and production, I do know that a lot of us were already hanging on by a thread, long before 2020. In the hopes that it might help someone, I would like to tell you a very honest and vulnerable story about the darkest time in my life.

Journey back with me to 2018, before we knew what Covid was. That was the year a conference call made me want to die.

I had been working for a very large company, and as most of us are probably familiar with, they were trying to do more, with less. Because of that, we undertook a project that normally would last about a year. And of course, because this project was expected to be so lucrative, we committed to having it done in four weeks. Not months. WEEKS. I won't go into specific details as to the safety concerns I saw, or the fears I had. But I will tell you what it did to me.

I was living on coffee to keep me awake during the day, and Nyquil to get me to bed at night. I was giving hour-long training to 100 people at once, in an active production setting (read: noisy), without a microphone. I lost my voice after about five of these, and still did about six more. I spent every single day there, obviously letting my other 45 locations that needed EHS support fall by the wayside. You know the kind of job where you have three different bosses? This was that on steroids. Each section of the building was run by a different person, with a “Director” in their title. VPs were on site daily. Trainings were supposed to be held in the lunch room, where people were actually eating lunch.

I'm not sure what straw broke the camel's back for me. It could have been the hand-crush injury that happened right before the project began. It could have been how well I came to know the rack-repair company (a Classic?Popsy) from the damage seen. Maybe it was the time I gave PIT training from 6 a.m. until 8 p.m., then picked up Chik-fil-A for the next group, which started eight hours later at 4 a.m. Maybe it was that after doing all that, a general manager was asked by a member of corporate who their "Safety and Health Manager" was, as there were a ton of uncorrected hazards in his work area. He claimed to have no idea, and that he had never met me. I saw him, and spoke to him, nearly every day. I knew that he had his pilot's license, that he was flying to the next corporate meeting, and that he was going through a divorce. Weird that he had never met me.

I became a version of myself that I hated. Everyone was on edge, and meetings ranged from uncomfortable to downright shouting matches.

It was not just a year of work for Safety compressed into a month, but also quality, human resources, engineering, frontline operations management — every single person was stretched as thin as I was.

I will own up to my part in contributing to my own burnout. I wanted to prove I could do it, to protect the workers, to help the company, to give and give, and prove that I could keep giving. I did not want to be seen as someone who gives up, who says I cannot keep up this pace. To be someone who quits at something. So I kept pushing.

Pictures can fool a lot of people into thinking you were handling things well.

I know the title of this rant may sound glib, but it is not. I remember the day clearly. After spending time with OSHA, who was on site for an employee complaint, I had an afternoon conference call that I took from home. With the stress of the work, the hours, the workload, the constant arguing, and the hazards I was essentially allowing to exist because there was not enough time — even in an 18-hour day — to fix everything, and/or the fear that this day would be the day I would get a call about a fatality on site, my mental health was at an ATL — not Atlanta, but All-Time-Low.

Anyway, someone said something on that conference call — I do not even remember what, specifically — and the tears just flowed. I muted myself as I listened to conversations about the next project, and the one after that. I think I realized it was not going to stop.?This pace and complacency is going to be the norm,?I knew. In that moment, I could not see a way out. Panicked thoughts crowded my mind.?I?can't quit; what would that say about me? I can't quit; what about money? I can't quit; I'm supposed to be good at this. If I am not a "Safety Professional," what am I?

I am stuck in this loop of coffee and Nyquil and arguments and high risks and people claiming they had “waivers from OSHA because they were busy,” and phone calls all day and all night, and it will.not.stop.

I had a child and a marriage that I felt like I could not handle — and that I was always giving my worst. So, I wanted a way out, I wanted it all over. I have struggled with anxiety, depression, and something called CPTSD for my entire life. I have been low before — but not like this. I was actively suicidal for the first, and ideally only, time.

I am forever grateful in that moment that I made the choice to call someone, instead of taking the actions that my worn-down brain was telling me to do. And that someone was capable of getting me the help I needed.

I knew I could not just quit my job. My work continued, and the same chaotic pace was expected. But I no longer performed at that pace. Eventually, I started working with a career counselor who helped me build the ability to do what I'm good at for a living. I also am medicated, in therapy, and thriving — as much as one can be with the past two years!

While I am not working at that pace anymore, I see that many of us in Safety or in industry are. I see that you are working with less staff, people who isolate, people quitting over vaccination requirements, people quitting over benefits. I see that you are suddenly put in charge of managing a global pandemic while also still handling safety, health, and environmental at multiple locations/customers/sites/policyholders/projects. The Covid ETS is going to happen … then not going to happen … then going to happen.

How many managers have you had in the past three years? What is your company's financial position today? How are you supposed to visit client sites when your kid's school is closed all week because of an exposure? How tired are you of virtual meetings and inspections? How much more risk are our associates exposed to when the supply chain is interrupted, half our staff is out, and we are on the verge of bankruptcy? How much more stress is that on you?

And that's?just?work stress — not including everything going on in your life.

The work is harder now than it was in 2018 when a conference call made me want to die. So all I'm doing in the beginning of this year is asking you to pay attention to your mental health. Notice if you are angry all the time, if you do not care AT ALL anymore, if you are barely hanging on. Notice if you are crying on mute on a conference call.

I don't have a solution — no one does. It's a pandemic. (Or maybe it's the end of a pandemic. Or the middle?) What I?do?have is the ability to lend a kind ear, to connect you with others who are going through the same thing, and maybe come up with some ideas to help you manage. Need an hour to call someone and vent about how frustrated you are? Want to talk through a plan on how you find work you love? Need anything at all?! Call me.

Reach out if you need someone. And reach out to someone if you think they might need it.

You can find out what resources are available in your area or get help at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) at any time for help if you or a friend is struggling.

A Profile of Me and My Face

It’s 2022 and this year we are focusing on taking care of people,?ourselves?included. I was interviewed by EHS Daily Advisor for their?Faces of EHS?series. I shared my thoughts on staying people-focused, and building a culture where we?actually?care. Read it Here

You’d Better Recognize (Yourself)

You don’t have to be a consultant to toot your own horn. You did some GREAT stuff in 2021.

Have you considered applying for an award? Here’s just a few Safety-related awards that are accepting submissions right now.

The?EHS Daily Advisor Safety Standout Awards?recognize companies who excel in making their workplaces safe. Safety Standout Award winners will receive a plaque, be featured on the?EHS Daily Advisor?website and in a press release, and honored at a future EHS Now virtual event in June 2022. It is free to apply! Full submission guidelines and rules available?on their website.

Are you in ASSP Women in Safety Excellence? If so, apply to be the?WISE Safety Professional of the Year (SPY). The SPY Award is an annual honor that recognizes superior levels of excellence within our diverse WISE membership. Apply by 2/11/22 by completing this?survey application.

Why not speak at a conference? You absolutely have something to share that others would benefit from. You are not?an imposter!

Call for Speakers is open now for the?Georgia Safety Conference,?VPPPA Safety+, and?National Safety Council Congress and Expo.

On My Horizon

Here’s where I will be in the coming months! Will you be there, too?

-North Dakota Safety Conference, Bismarck, ND, Feb 21-23,?Communicating for Action: How to Get People to Listen to You; Safety EQ4U; Five Business Skills that help Safety Pros Get It Done

Actual footage of me as an Atlantan in North Dakota in February

-SafetyFocus 2022,?Virtual, March 1,?Communicating for Action.?This one will be super fun and is worth 0.7 CEUs. Join me!

And Now for Some Very Important News …

Can you do me a favor? Would you tell me what you think are the most important skills for a Safety Professional to have?

Take The Survey

In COVID-19 news …

Depending on the day, the OSHA ETS is happening, staying, or leaving. As of January 13, 2022, it looks pretty official that your compliance to-do list has gotten quite a bit shorter. I’m quote?Ed Foulke, Partner at Fisher Phillips?here:

BREAKING-SCOTUS REINSTATES STAY OF OSHA COVID-19 VACCINE OR TESTING ETS IN 6-3 DECISION

The United States Supreme Court just announced its decision reinstating the stay of the COVID-19 ETS on vaccines or testing. The SCOTUS noted that "although Congress has indisputably given OSHA the power to regulate occupational dangers, it has not given that agency the power to regulate public health more broadly."

The ETS is stayed pending a ruling on the merits from the 6th Circuit, but the SCOTUS noted that it believes the employer petitioners will likely prevail, signaling a likely end to the ETS. It also stated that "a vaccine mandate is strikingly unlike the workplace regulations that OSHA has typically imposed. A vaccination, after all, 'cannot be undone at the end of the workday.’"

Concurring, Justice Gorsuch noted: "The question before us is not how to respond to the pandemic, but who holds the power to do so. The answer is clear: Under the law as it stands today, that power rests with the States and Congress, not OSHA."
        

Fisher Phillips also shared a Six-Step Employer Priority List that may help you! Please help me, Fisher Phillips

Hoping to find a speaker or facilitator for your safety and health staff, executive or frontline leadership? I can do that.?Call Camille!

You can find?my services here. I also offer customized EQ Workshops.

And if you find this newsletter valuable (or even entertaining!), please share and encourage others to subscribe.

Take care of yourself when you’re out there taking care of others!

CAMILLE

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