TIL DEATH DO US PART: Lessons learned from running a small business with my wife.

Running a small business is 24/7. Any small business owner has experienced this and most small business owners live this mantra for a majority of their company’s existence. When you're not running the business during daytime hours, you're spending your evenings and weekends responding to customer issues, conducting market research, strategizing for future efforts, and so on and so on.

When you’re running a small business with your spouse, your collective immersion in the business is compounded. Your conversations in the car are about the company's latest social media ad campaign. Your first words when you wake up are "Hey, I was thinking last night about our hiring process..." The business is everywhere and everything in your life is linked to the business. When you are betrothed to your business partner and your livelihood is dependent on your collective efforts then the business permeates everything in your lives. Thinking about vacation plans for the summer? The business has a say in that conversation. Planning the kids' sports in the fall? The business has a say. Talking about getting the kids off the bus tomorrow? The business has a say. Working through your ability to endure longterm stress and emotional strain as a couple? The business most definitely has a say.

Just as the constant reminders of the business are there when things are good, they are also there as a reminder when things aren't so good. 

When things are good then that dual immersion is fine because it's a reminder to you and your spouse that you can go on vacation because the business is operating in the black and you’re finally paying yourselves. You can sleep (a little) more peacefully tonight knowing that the business is now standing on it's on own legs. You can pick up the kids tomorrow because you are in better control of your schedule. Longterm stress and emotional health are manageable because you’re on the same page.

But those welcome rays of business success sunshine can be also be replaced by dark clouds looming overhead. Just as the constant reminders of the business are there when things are good, they are also there as a reminder when things aren't so good. When you don't know if that make-it-or-break-it contract is going to come through and keep you afloat. When your credit cards are maxed out because you invested every cent - including some that you don't have - in the business. When you're facing eviction because you can't pay your rent because your customers haven't paid you yet. When you have to let your loyal employee and mother-of-3 go because you just can't afford to pay her anymore. In those times, the business is a constant reminder of the risks you took, the breaks that didn't go your way, and the hard lessons you learned about managing and growing a small business. And, understandably, it is in those times when your relationship with your spouse and your partnership in the business are tested.

How do I know any of this? Because I’ve lived through it for the past 12+ years and I continue to live it everyday. More accurately, my wife, Stephanie, and I live it every day. In 2009, Stephanie started a small business and since then we’ve run the business together with her at the helm and me supporting the longterm strategy and planning. We have seen tremendous highs and just as many lows. We’ve slept well because we landed a strategic partnership with a well-known business and we’ve stayed awake half the night worrying about how we’re going to meet the company’s financial obligations next week.

In both of these moments of triumph and (temporary) defeat, my wife and I have learned a few key lessons along the way and some strategies for keeping it together when everything seems to be falling apart:

1. Disengage before you engage

By the end of the day, my wife and I are both starting to get hangry. We haven’t eaten in several hours, we’ve toiled with yet another small business challenge, the kids are bouncing off the walls and…wait, did I seriously hear you just tell our vendor that over the phone? Why would you say that??? And another thing…the way you’ve been so dismissive of all the work I put into the marketing plan….

That’s how some of our worst arguments over the business started. Because we allowed one debate about something totally unrelated to spill over into work. Or we used an opportunity in an argument to pile on a work complaint about the other person. Or we simply unloaded our frustration about a business challenge in an unrelated conversation.

It took us a long time and there is always still room for improvement, but we’ve moved (mostly) past those arguments. Not because things have gotten easier, but because we’ve learned to disengage from one issue before bringing up another one. If we’re in a disagreement about life or family or anything not related to the business, we’ve learned that that is NOT the time to throw a work complaint onto fire. That fire does not burn down for a longgggg time and our couch is only comfortable for Sunday afternoon naps, not a full night’s rest. In fact, we haven’t just learned to disengage, we’ve learned to practice better discipline in separating our disagreements and we’ve learned to approach the nagging business issue with some empathy and diplomacy (See #3 below). And when we do that, we actually find that the work issue that was irritating us gets a far better resolution when we’ve been able to articulate our issue and seek a collaborative effort to find a solution.

2. Step back and objectively examine the stressors.

If you can totally separate your business relationship from your personal relationship with your spouse then read no further. In fact, email me your secret recipe for doing this so I can model that behavior and blog about it as if I came up with it myself.

If you’re like the rest of us and you struggled just to get over your spouse’s minor nuances when you were first married (I do wear pants to the dinner table now, Stephanie) then you probably struggle to separate your personal and business relationships with your spouse as well.

This is true for my wife and I, anyway. Even when things are good for the company, we may dIsagree vehemently on strategy or day-to-day operations. We may have arguments about what tasks can be handled internally and which need to be outsourced and how we’re going to afford it. We have vigorously debated the authority of certain key employees to make executive decisions. We have certainly both struggled to stay in our lanes and not tread on the other’s roles, responsibilities, or actions.

However, while I’m proud of how we can overcome our differences, inevitably, we do hit roadblocks when our strong beliefs or philosophical differences create an impasse. In these moments, I have learned that it is not our commitment to each other that is tested when things are tough. If you have a strong relationship then your commitment to each other isn’t what is tested, but it is what's at stake. It's your partnership in the business that is tested, but your commitment to each other takes the brunt of the stress.

So what to do? For us, it requires us to step back from what has probably now become a personal issue between us (See #1 above) and objectively examine the business problem. As a visual learner, I like to use a white board and write down our pros, cons, and the additional factors leading us to lean one way or another. Similarly, my wife likes to erase everything I wrote and just write “Do you want dinner tonight?” on the board. Knowing that I like to eat but that I can’t cook is a trump card that I am powerless against. I’m kidding. Sort of. But we do write down our reasons and thought processes for why we’ve taken our stances on the issue and then we step back and dissect them one at a time. Having the problems written in front of us helps keep us from straying off topic (and going into personal issues), allows us to more rationally consider the other’s viewpoint and articulate why we disagree, and provides a better sense of validation for each spouse. No matter the final outcome, that’s the end state we are going for.

There are a host of ways to achieve that end state. The white board is what works for us, but you may have another method. If what you’re doing allows you to step back from the problem set and give more consideration to your partner’s opinion then keep it up! If not, maybe step back from that method and take a look at how you can better get to that end state. Your relationship and your business will both benefit from it.

3. Diplomacy and honest feedback.

When you are a manager you can offer your employee honest feedback about their performance and offer solutions for how they can improve that performance. In those cases, there is a pecking order and the employee has an understanding that constructive feedback is part of becoming a better asset to the company. Also, that employee probably isn't getting your kids ready for bed that evening.

However, when that latter element is in place - when the member of your company lives in your house and is your equal in the company and your are married to them, the dynamics of offering honest feedback become much more complicated and require a concerted effort on both parties.

For the spouse offering the feedback, diplomacy and timing are key. Simple but time-tested “couples communication” strategies work well here and do wonders for taking a tough task (i.e. offering constructive criticism to your spouse’s business management methods) and making it relatively easy and even well-received. So here is a very simple tip taken straight out of the Marriage 101 playbook: Don’t start your sentences with “You are doing...” or “You did this...” or anything like that. Starting with “you” is the verbal equivalent of pointing your finger at someone and will often create an unnecessary defensive posture in the receiving party. We’re all guilty of it, but there’s an easy way to avoid that. Start your sentences with “I feel like...” or “It seems to me that when XYZ happens then…”. Think that difference is too subtle to have an impact? I encourage you to try it. The former puts the blame on the receiving party while the latter doesn’t put really assign the blame on the speaker, but takes it off the listener. There is power in words - both in what is said and what is not said.

For the spouse receiving the feedback, putting your ego aside and putting the interests of the business first are obviously key. But accomplishing that is a little harder. Again, here is one simple trick to improve that communication: Don’t listen just waiting for the other person to take a breath. Everyone has experienced that - the person who isn’t listening at all to you, but formed a response in the first few seconds of your statement and is just waiting for you to take a breath so they can respond to your half-finished thought. Don’t be that guy or gal. Write down your points for responding if it helps you better remember what you wanted to say if you must, but don’t be the person who is visibly anxious to respond. Here is the simple order for mitigating the potential tension during this conversation:

• Listen
• Take notes if you want (it sends a message that you are actually digesting what your spouse is saying)
• Repeat back what your spouse said to you. It gives him or her an opportunity to clarify what he or she meant to say and may have been lost in translation.
• Respond. Explain why you may see it from their perspective, and conclude with a statement of understanding.

Marriage therapists will often advise couples to work on their communication skills as a key aspect to improving their relationship. Amongst other communication tools, therapists will often work with those couples on active listening and empathetic responses. In more plain terms, both people within the relationship need to listen with the actual intent of hearing what the other person has to say. The tricks to “diplomatic honesty” and “active listening” above aren’t just good for your marriage, they’re good for your business.

4. Give each other some leeway

In our company, we only have staff meetings with all employees physically present a few times a year. My wife texted me one day to propose having our next staff meeting on a particular date. As part of her proposal, she detailed a preliminary timeline where I showed up at the end of the meeting to talk about certain components of the business. What?? Why would she just invite me in for the end of an all-hands staff meeting? What an insult to everything that we’ve done together to build this business! So what did I do? I let my ego get the better of me and I lashed out at her for demeaning my value to the business. What didn’t I do? Give her the benefit of the doubt and offer her some leeway. What I didn’t know and would have learned had I approached it differently is that she had shuffled the meeting timeline around specifically in an attempt to accommodate a schedule conflict that I had at the time. The original schedule didn’t allow for me to attend the meeting at all on that date, but she had gone out of her way to move the meeting time so I could get in at the end. After apologizing, I made mental note of the lesson learned here - that things will get overlooked, that missteps will happen, that decisions will be made sometimes without your partner’s input because the speed of business demands it, that we are human and owe each other some leeway to make mistakes and not have our partner hold it over our heads. And, in this case, that giving your partner the benefit of the doubt is a lot easier than swallowing your own foot.

5. Take time to turn it off and gel together.

No, I mean really turn it off and gel together. Go out to dinner, put away the phone (take it off your body so you don’t even feel it vibrate) and talk about anything but business. Shut the laptops, turn on a Netflix show, and just laugh with each other for an hour. When you wake up, say good morning and talk for 3 minutes about something other than business before you pick up your phone and get immersed in the business for the day. Invite your spouse to join you at the Zumba class you go to on Saturday mornings.* Go for a midday walk with your business partner-spouse and talk about the weather or sports or anything other than the business for 20 minutes.

These are the five simple step...wait....no, they're not simple steps. Nothing about being in business with your spouse is simple. It's difficult and exhausting and straining. And wonderful and incredible and an opportunity to share the excitement of your shared successes like no other professional endeavor. So go get after it. Start that bakery you guys always wanted to start. Take your big idea to Shark Tank. Draft your plan and take that leap together. Just remember to take time to enjoy the ride.

*Yes, I did Zoomba and I continue to go to classes with my wife where I am embarrassed for 60 minutes by a room full of post-menopausal women who would “serve” me in a dance competition any day of the week.

Jonathan Cleck is the Director of Leadership Development at Greencastle Consulting, and serves as the Chief X Officer of Concihairge, LLC. He’s also a hot mess of expensive hobbies and volunteer work for veteran-focused nonprofits. Prior to starting Concihairge with his wife, Stephanie, Jonathan served in a variety of military, private sector and government positions, including 25-years as a Navy SEAL. Jonathan regularly speaks to audiences on leadership, managing high stress situations, and team-building. In his spare time, he can be found dodging rotten tomatoes and beer bottles on Philly’s amateur stand-up comedy circuit.