Tidy Desk, Tidy Home, Tidy Mind

This week Brittany Ernsperger shared a photo of piles of washed up pans on her kitchen counter. It’s been shared more than 188,000 times.

Brittany Ernsperge/Facebook

That’s not because the pans themselves are anything special, but because of what those piles represent: An experience of depression that’s hit home for thousands of people with mental health struggles.

‘This is what depression looks like,’ wrote Brittany on Facebook. ‘No. Not the clean dishes. But that there were that many dishes in the first place; that I’ve gone 2 weeks without doing them.

‘3 days ago I sat on the kitchen floor and stared at them while I cried. I knew they needed to be done. I wanted to do them so bad. But depression pulled me under. It sucked me in. Like a black hole. Rapidly, sinking quick-sand.

‘I walked by them morning and night and all day long. And just looked at them. Telling myself that I could do them. Telling myself that I would. And feeling defeated everyday that I didn’t. Making the depression only that much worse because not accomplishing something that needs to be done is failure.

‘Worthless. Failure. Piece of shit. Incompetent. Stupid. Lazy. All things that roll through the mind of someone with depression. All. Day. Long.

‘Throw anxiety on top of it, and you’ve got yourself a real treat. Being scared your husband will leave because he thinks you’re lazy. Being scared to let people into your home because they’ll think you’re nasty. Feeling like you’re failing your kids because for the 3rd night in a row you don’t have any clean dishes to cook dinner on…so pizza it is. Again.

’Brittany goes on to explain that it’s not just the dishes that pile up – it’s every daily task that seems simple: doing laundry, showering, brushing your teeth. Things that should be simple feel entirely overwhelming.

It’s a tricky thing for people to understand – why someone might let the rubbish spill out of the bin or leave their hair greasy and matted.

When you’re depressed, there are things that feel impossible. Depression saps your energy and makes things feel pointless. It tells you you’ll do a rubbish job of things anyway, so your time is better spent lying in bed and thinking about how awful you are. It tells you that a messy, dirty room is where you belong, it’s what you deserve.

Your motivation is sapped away and your depression-hazed brain just can’t see the point in getting out of bed, washing your hair, brushing your teeth, moving that pile of clothes from the floor to the laundry basket. You let things build up and they feel even more overwhelming – suddenly it’s not just one plate you don’t have the motivation to clean, but a huge mound. It feels impossible to overcome.

Depression wrecks your focus, too. You’re easily distracted, and can become so preoccupied with other things that you’ll stop tidying midway through or let things pile up.

Then there’s the fun cycle of shame and guilt. You look around, see the mess, and feel like a failure of a human being. You’re deeply ashamed of what you’ve let pile up, and feel so embarrassed of not being able to do simple things that you can’t ask for help.

That’s why people with depression sometimes have spurts of tidying and cleaning – everyday tasks feel impossible, but eventually the shame, guilt, and self-hatred builds up to a point that you have to do something. Or you’ll get a brief window when the depression clears and you can speedily pile in a full-house tidy on the high of momentary motivation.

Depression can make people seem messy and flaky and lazy. Those are unfortunate side-effects of an often debilitating mental condition.

Yes, they can be hard to live with, but if your housemate or partner or family member is letting the mess multiply, it’s important not to add on to the guilt and shame they’re already feeling.

Don’t shame them for their mess or tell them how ‘gross’ or ‘disgusting’ their room is. Try not to get angry when the dishes haven’t been done again. Offer some help, break things down into tiny, easier tasks, and support them through taking that first step.

Make it clear that while it might seem like a tiny thing, washing up a mug when you’re depressed can feel like running a marathon. Make the person feel good about what they’ve accomplished – pulling them gently out of the guilt, shame, mess cycle could be the nudge they need to keep them afloat and keep things tidy.

Read more: https://metro.co.uk/2018/07/06/hard-keep-things-clean-tidy-depression-7687699/?ito=social?ito=cbshare

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Arthur Ellis Blogs: https://arthurellismhs.com/blog/