Thuso Kuali on how to leverage your self-awareness to succeed in relationships

Embark on a journey through the insightful reflections of Thuso Kuali , a dynamic 29-year-old Investment Banking Transactor at Standard Bank in South Africa. Part of his routine involves going to gym and running half-marathons. He defines himself as an adrenaline junkie, having done bungee jumping and skydiving a few times, and is an avid lover of theme parks. In this compelling article, Thuso shares his experiences and discoveries about navigating relationships in one's twenties, offering a fresh perspective for young professionals.

Drawing parallels between relationships and professional life, Thuso emphasizes the importance of self-awareness. While many can articulate their job satisfaction or dissatisfaction, he contends that a similar awareness often eludes individuals when it comes to relationships. This lack of awareness leads us to play relationships by ear, guided by the brain's habitual tendencies, shortcuts, and familiarity.

Thuso challenges the conventional notion of love as a supernatural force, advocating for a more intentional, scientific approach. By being aware of personal predispositions and biases, individuals can actively shape their perspectives, avoiding self-sabotage. He shares personal anecdotes, delving into how childhood experiences, particularly rejection, can impact one's approach to relationships. Join Thuso on this introspective journey to discover how self-awareness can be a game-changer in the intricate dance of relationships.

Navigating relationships in the twenties is one of the most complex processes that a human can go through. I’ve been in the process long enough and have spoken to enough people to realise that one can, with the best of intentions, want a good and fulfilling relationship, and still be their own biggest hinderance when it comes to getting into or sustaining a healthy relationship. I’m sure the reasons have been well-documented, but I’m no expert. What I am is a curious 29-year-old who’s decided to take ownership of the mistakes I’ve made, and I will try to articulate why just a lack of simple awareness tends to be the downfall of relationships.

The acute awareness I have in other aspects of my life falls apart when it comes to relationships. By way of example, many people can articulate their relationship with their jobs. Let’s say you have a high paying job at a reputable company, which either has a bad company culture or one in which you don’t fit. On reflection, you like how your job positions you in the public and the benefits it provides, however, you are also cognisant that at a holistic level, you don’t really like your job or how it structures your life. Whatever you choose to do, there won’t be a wrong answer. The point is not what decision to make, but the awareness itself, an awareness that so often vanishes when it comes to relationships.

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Due to this lack of awareness, we play it by ear. Unfortunately, the ear happens to be the brain, an unwavering creature of habit, shortcuts, and familiarity. I grew up heeding the message that you will feel it when it is right, something sort of like a light-bulb moment, with the answer being the right person, a phenomenon ranking pari passu with soulmates and all that jazz that some people believe in. Personally, I’m a cynic in a lot of things, so how did government television manage to sell this to my brain, and why is it so hard to dispel? I was taught to think of love as something supernatural. However, it’s not, and the awareness of this means that scientific interventions can be used to improve our chances of finding love. For example, one of my favourite reasons for having eliminated someone was that they were giving me interview answers. However, simply by being aware that I am pre-dispositioned to look for the negative means I can actively stop myself from doing so. Or, even better, make an intentional choice to look for the good.

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It is often said that relationships are where we deal with our childhoods. So how was my childhood? Does the fact that I haven’t been in a proper relationship in my 29 years on this planet provide any evidence? I call myself a romantic and crave a good relationship, but I’m convinced that this is all theoretical. I still feel sorry for the younger child I once was, a child who faced rejection. The first rejection I felt was from a family I thought was my father’s side of the family. Either intentionally or unconsciously, they made my 5–6-year-old self feel unwelcome. They never screamed or shouted at me, nor laid a hand on me, but they made me feel invisible. The invisibility was tangible, so much so that I had to cut a December holiday short and ask my mother to pick me up. I never went back. Now my mom is a loving parent, but she is set in her ways, and I’ve made peace with that. When I realised something wasn’t adding up in terms of what I was/am, it provided a second source of rejection. The fact that I’d have to introduce a partner and not a wife to her would be taken with resistance. Many will attest that you then have to raise yourself emotionally after coming to this realisation. So how does it translate? I won’t let anyone close enough to make me feel the way I felt when I was younger. Considering the impact it has had on me, I would argue that knowing how your childhood affects your approach to relationships should be kept as a ‘cheat sheet’.

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How does awareness really help though? I will tell you that for myself at least, it doesn’t make dating any better. What it does do is give me a chance to choose how I want to progress when I find myself self-sabotaging. At that point, I do an honest pros-and-cons analysis of the situation and choose how to progress. The most unfortunate thing would be to self-sabotage without being aware that you are doing so.

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This works in other aspects of life too. Let’s say for example you become aggravated while you’re dealing with another individual, and the engagement is still in progress. Without being aware, you’re likely to engage using your default behaviours. However, at that point, try consciously telling yourself that you are angry. The brain, being aware, will then automatically slow down and ask about the next course of action. That’s when you get to choose. The outcome is less important than the process. You can still choose to react with anger, but a mini analysis would have been done.

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I’d like to close off by saying that life teaches us to be very careful of the counterparties in a relationship, but in that process, we sabotage ourselves by not being careful with our own behaviour. When it comes to relationships, I believe people go through similar experiences, yet some thrive, and some burn down. Whether the relationship thrives or burns down, the most important part is that you are happy with the outcome. To get there, you need to equip yourself with the necessary tools, such as slowing down, alerting yourself of your emotional state and picking something that could sometimes be the better of two evils. Be aware of others, but more importantly, be aware of yourself.

Written by : Thuso Kuali

Edited by: Emma Reinecke

Navigating the Twenties

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