Through my eyes – blind to the truth

Just as we started to feel a sense of normality returning, today’s northern beaches cases anchored a stark reality check of the continuing underlying potential of the Covid virus and in some ways the residual psychological impacts of the pandemic effect more than the virus itself.

The rollercoaster of no new cases, more new cases at times overshadowing the feeling of internal isolation, anxiety, tension and emotional scars that affected many individuals. 

2020 is a year that has been indescribable in so many ways. Within my own bubble, I started to reflect on how I have behaved and how those around me behaved. Hindsight is a double-edged sword but more on that a little later.

I have one eye on the rest of the world as they struggle to regain control. The UK, US, Mexico and Europe in general have a far greater challenge.  Some are starting to turn a blind eye on the virus trying to get on with life regardless of their unrelenting Covid challenges. With many facing vaccine distributions likely to push into 2022, moments of frustrations leading to intolerance with politicians and more importantly, each other seem inevitable. And when international borders re-open we are bound to see wave after wave and more disruption, social unease and unrest.

Maybe now is the time we as individuals should take a moment to reflect on our own behaviour and learnings in preparation for the next challenges ahead to be more prepared, to be ready.

What lessons did we learn? How do we keep the positive things going and make change where we could have done better?

There were so many moments where Covid brought out the best in us, bringing family units closer, genuine moments of community spirit helping strangers. Yet there were many opportunities to support others that were missed.

In my own little world as a sample of one collective, friends and family have been affected in so many ways; loss of jobs, relationship breakdowns, arguing with authorities over simple traffic offences, seclusion, isolation, and tragically, suicide. Even those who I thought had incredible individual resilience have faulted and bared their teeth at those closest to them. And sadly, those that really need to pull others closer to them push them away. None of them have been infected with the virus but every one of them have been affected by its butterfly effect.

I wonder how many of those instances I could have positively impacted had I been eyes wide open.

I know that I struggled after the news that a friend ended his life recently because he felt he couldn’t handle life’s challenges anymore. For a period I don’t want to experience ever again, I felt alone, unsupported, all the while conscious that I could have done more. It seems that I didn’t I learn as much from my past experiences as I thought I had.

A while ago I had cause to reflect on the question, as to whether I am truly open to seeing others in need. And when I do, am I helping for them or me through them? In part, is it self-gratification?

I vividly recall having a discussion with a good friend about how I was encouraging our company to better understand the LGBTIQ+ community and the changes we need to make as a progressive people focussed organisation. I made what I first thought was a ‘vanilla’ comment. That was until she highlighted my gross generalisation and I realised that while my intent was good, my comment could have had an offensive impact on some.

The punch in the face lesson that day was, that a middle-class white male actually has no real clue as to the impact of realities like discrimination or racism. And naivety is really no excuse.

Now before all the white males start throwing rocks at me, maybe just sit on that for a minute or spend a few minutes with my friend with open ears. She will happily tell it as it is.

Similarly, we can’t truly comprehend the anxiety or depression that others maybe living with as a result of the Covid effect or any of life’s many challenges. So, I guess, I can’t profess to know, but I can be open and try to understand rather than simply being one dimensionally tolerant of other’s lifestyles, life choices and differences and even the impact unique circumstances such as Covid isolation may have on them.

We can’t always ‘walk a mile’ in someone else’s shoes but surely, we can do better.

I worked with a leadership coach a few years ago who helped me to understand that I was seeing things in mirror reverse. I thought only I knew the real me, and others saw only a perception of who I am.

The truth is, others hear my words, notice my tone, see my expressions repetitively and these consistencies collectively frame the truth. It turns out, I am the one with the distorted perception of my ideal self and everyone else sees the reality of who I am.

The realisation was totally confronting and made me feel like I was standing naked in the middle of the city (maybe don’t focus on the image you have of me right now, although I am working hard in the gym).

Putting that realisation into practice however isn’t so simple. My same friend reminded me of an instance from last year. I saw a young homeless girl on the street, and I walked past her like she didn’t exist just like everyone else did. For some reason, I stopped, walked back and sat on the footpath beside her. We spoke for a while, and I asked her if she would share her story. It was a sad story. She had tears, I had tears then we laughed a little.

I gave her money for accommodation then, for some reason I asked if I could video the conversation so I could share it with my friend which I did. Reflecting on that morning, I felt I had done a nice thing for her and it made me feel good.

I thought about her whenever I walked past that spot but never saw her again. I wondered if I had made a difference or had she just moved on?

In my mind on that day, I thought I had moved beyond tolerating her situation as a homeless person living on the streets and tried to understand her perspective and show her that she wasn’t a ghost invisible to all that passed her by.

Now, we all have that one friend who is as honest with feedback as a baseball bat to the face right? Well, that’s my friend and she took an opportunity to tell me how that encounter with the homeless girl looked from her perspective. I was about to receive another valuable life lesson. 

As her words registered in my pea sized brain, so did the realisation that it wasn’t all about helping the young girl. It was more about me, to make me feel better about myself. This was the moment that little bit of vomit comes into your mouth, right? Urgh!  

I had put myself in the centre of that circle. I was, and am, so embarrassed. But moreover, I am ashamed that I couldn’t see it at the time. It’s pretty cool to have a friend who is prepared to be that honest with you knowing her words would cut deep.

So, what did I learn from my friend? It isn’t enough to just be tolerant of others’ situations and have good intent (even with actions). Real selflessness puts others at the centre of the circle not ourselves. I’m now more mindful that the strangers around me in a café or on the train may well be more susceptible to the virus or maybe feeling the ripples of its impact more than I and I’m trying to be more conscientious.

Covid has showed us so many heart-warming stories, with many families coming closer together but all the while, others have suffered, often in silence.

A proud Irish Australian friend shared with me recently how she is struggling with depression for the first time she can remember. Her family is all in Ireland and her elderly mum is very sick in hospital. While she Facetimes her daily, she is so worried that she won’t get the chance to be with her mum before she passes and Covid is the only thing keeping her from being by her mums’ side.   

Today, all around the world we sit in a bubble of uncertainty and unease like I have not known in my lifetime.

Uncertainty leads to anxiety which leads to tension and frayed patience. A perfect catalyst to break down mere tolerance and focus on our own personal needs.

Right at this moment I don’t care where the virus started or what the Government(s) may have done wrong. A proportional focus needs to be on protecting the silent vulnerable, protecting the economy and nurturing a culture of calm and selflessness in the dynamic environment we live in today in preparation for tomorrows challenges.

What ever your assessment is of the current political landscape, Governments should build trust through their decisions and actions. They need to give us a confidence in them and to nurture us as ‘engaged followers’ prepared to be led and compassionate to each other. Prepared to go beyond tolerance, outside our comfort zones and actively look for moments to help those around us.

An interesting study of Australian social attitudes (Hookway & Habibas) found most Australian’s think it’s important to be kind and believe they are generally kind and ranked the groups family, friends, work colleagues then strangers.

65% of the Aussies selected from the electoral role, responded as having helped a stranger in the recent month as compared to the OECD average of 48%.

So maybe we are more selfless, altruistic than we think? Female respondents see themselves as more kind and feel that everyone deserves kindness equally. Not surprising at all really. A third of the group felt that some are less deserving of kindness and men responded more negatively in this regard.

There’s no doubt that we are going to see more social unrest in various countries. So what do we need to plan and do to ensure we continue to be one of the role model countries?

I don’t know the answer, but let’s not talk of tolerance with its ‘rubber band limits’ and maybe focus on our personal selflessness instead.

I doubt that there has ever been a more common global threat than the ripple effects of the Covid-19 virus and its wider implications on the fabric of society. But maybe it’s providing an environment for us to learn empathy and social compassion, if we are open to it.

Drury describes an interesting concept called ‘relational transformation’ as a shared social purpose that fosters behavioural and cognitive actions to build collective efficacy and selfless behaviour to support one another.

How often do we see an emergency unfold with groups of diverse strangers acting with total selflessness as one ‘psychological community’ supporting those around them? This is a big opportunity for us to exercise relational transformation. Togetherness rhetoric without action is just hypocrisy.

And meanwhile, other killers such as Cancer continue to randomly destroy lives of all ages.

My little sister, single mother of two recently received a totally unexpected lifechanging call from her doctor. Pancreatic and liver Cancer with spots in in her lungs and abdomen. What a call. What a moment for her, her kids, her friends and our family. Our priorities have changed, and our first world problems disappeared instantly. How many people are battling so hard just like Julia?

So, what is my point of all this?

In many ways our world is safer than ever before, and our consciousness is more open, but comfort can lead to complacency. We can wait for Governments to create an environment through their decisions to pull us together, or we can reflect on ourselves, our actions, the moments we selectively ‘ghost’ or ignore and find opportunities to act selflessly toward others. And we need to listen to my wise friend.

Stay safe. Look out for each other and pull those around you closer cherishing each moment.

Bizimana, J. (2020). The implications of COVID-19 for social cohesion and public order https://www.accord.org.za/analysis/implications-covid-19-social-cohesion-public-order/.

Drury, J. &. (2019). Shared Social Identity in Emergencies, Disasters and Conflicts. Social Scaffolding: Applying the Lessons of Contemporary Social Science to Health and Healthcare , 154-164.

Drury, J. (2018). The role of social identity processes in mass emergency behaviour: An integrative review. European Review of Social Psychology.

Hookway, N., & Habibas, D. (2014). Forget moral decline: Aussies might be getting kinder. theconversation.com.

Newman, L. S. (2019). Confronting Humanity at Its Worst. Social Psychological Perspectives on Genocide. Oxford University Press.

Witenburg, R. (2014). Tolerance is more than puting up with things-its a moral virtue. theconversation.com.