Thriving in my Thirties Series | Reflection #2: The Lost & Found – Deconstruction of the Dissertation Dungeon

I would be dishonest if I didn’t mention that writing this reflection was a bit more intimidating than my first time. I felt a lot of pressure to compact all my learnings into one, to be sure I shared the highs and the lows of this process, to make this reflection series worth everyone’s time. Thoughts of, “how much do I want to tell this beautiful journey, the bad, the ugly, the truth, or to only focus on the reward, the glory, the resilience; what’s the takeaway I want my readers to learn, or un-learn, and of course I doubted myself into asking why I committed myself into writing this reflection again?” But as I read everyone’s comments and support from my first reflection, I reminded myself, the purpose of this series is to be open, be honest, and be inspirational to those before me, after me, and those on this journey right beside me. We are to learn collectively and share our wisdom widely. So, I open this reflection with an edited excerpt from my dissertation:

?“Take what you need from this [reflection] and leave what you don't need. Allow yourself to enter the [reflection] with a perspective that you're a learner, we are all learners. This [reflection] by no means is perfect…, but it is authentic, truthful, and powerful; and will offer readers another reality of voices of our womxn of color traveling through generations of trauma. This work is delicate, please be gentle with yourself. Release all blockages that hinders you from achieving true success. Give yourself the space for patience, reflection, and healing. Move forward with new insight and wisdom. Be grateful for your past, be grounded in this present moment, and motivated to have successful future endeavors. Remember, recognizing our trauma only informs us and now we response, but it is to never to define us” (Truong, L., 2021)

LOST: Before I started working at Cal, I left what I believed was “my dream job”, ended a long-term relationship, and was ready to be the first in my generation to earn a doctorate. I was ready for a fresh start, to enter a new chapter of my life, and focused on elevating my goals and growth. This was my time to shine bright like a diamond phase. Like many first-gen professionals, I was eager to set up my family for success, make my family proud, fight for social justice, advocate for change, and at the same time maintain a fun, adventurous social life. Since Spring 2020, halfway through my second year, our world was impacted by the on-going COVID-19 pandemic, which exacerbated disparities, racism towards Blacks, hate towards Asians, and overall blame of communities made vulnerable, the divide between the haves and the have nots increased, and continuous shame of lack humanity, empathy, and unity. And, let me not me waste a sentence of my reflection on who was serving as president during this term.

Eager to earn my doctorate, I entered the ‘dissertation dungeon’, an analogy I will explain later in the reflection. As many first-generation scholars, we learned at a very young age the meaning of sacrifices, a strong work ethic, and commitment to finish what we started because the ideal of quitting was “unacceptable”. There’s always the (un)said expectation to take care of our own family, to get ourselves out of poverty, to give back to the caregivers who provided this “American’ life for us, and the list goes on. Often leaving us/me with a hustle mentality, we must do it, I must do it, it’s on me, it must be me. Well, well… to say the least, I found myself at odds with a committee chair and our shared responsibilities, expectations, and goals and purpose of the program, which at moments hindered not only the progress of my dissertation, but also my confidence, my ability to persist, and I found myself often falling into deep dark pockets of regret and shame. This triggered memories of ‘imposter syndrome’, ‘failure’, and ‘not feeling enough’ to accomplish this goal. Nonetheless, in retrospect, I recognized there are many truths to be held at such a delicate and emotional time for everyone, and I was determined to wash my hands of this dissertation many times. I’ve contemplated quitting my career, which I very much love; and quitting the program and starting all over again. One of the most difficult segments in this journey was balancing my truth, everyone’s truth, and then the truth of the matter.

Earlier, I mentioned a term “dissertation dungeon” used as an analogy to describe the isolated, focused determination where you put your head down, continuously write, as you block out all and everything happening around you. Many of us by default go into this mode, and we activate our survival skills. While much of our country was moving towards “in-shelter” protocols and into isolation, I, too, moved into the dungeon. I implemented strategies to keep myself accountable to finishing this dissertation in a timely manner. I was already tapped out in loans, courageously create a “go fundme” account to help pay off my tuition, and like many of us, questioned the state of our mental health at the peak of this pandemic. And so, I turned inwards, and took advantage of this opportunity of isolation to focus and write. I recall writing into the deep dark nights to 4am, and the rest of world was so quiet. These were the best writing nights, and all my thoughts would just begin to flow over some 90’s R&B playlist I had playing on pandora. This became a cycle, I would read, highlight, write, and cite over and over. Some nights, I would write until the sun came up, and I would write until the sun came down. I have a vivid memory where the sky was orange because of the wildfires, and I looked outside my patio window and thought to myself, what a beautiful sight to see, but why did I feel so lonely? This was my lifestyle in the pandemic, I worked and wrote, worked, and wrote until I drafted all my eight chapters. This also goes without saying the challenges of balancing work, relationships and boundaries with family and friends, impacts on my mental and physical health; and the harm associated with the pandemic, with our black and brown communities.

But the truth of the matter is that after three years of researching, writing, coding, interviewing, transcribing, all of that came to an end in about 90 mins of a virtual defense presentation and a confetti emoji to honor the celebration. This was the anticlimactic experience, and I still ask myself: was it worth it? I felt like everyone else around me was moving on with their life. My family and friends were traveling, meeting their life partner, having a family, buying a new home, starting their own business, and here I am, spending hours reviewing my citations and references. The world kept moving, and I felt so stuck on this doctorate.

FOUND: If you read my previous post (01/06/22), you may have learned that I disappeared for about six months (half a year) after I successfully defended my dissertation to share the news. Some may call this phase a “post-defense depression”, “the doc postpartum”, the “identity crisis”, or what I described as my recovery and healing time (see related articles below). I had to re-discover me, and in the words of Marie Kondo, what brought/brings me joy (and what no longer serves me) especially after losing myself in battling the academy and gatekeepers of white supremacy. Specifically, I wanted to deconstruct the hidden internal assumptions and expectations of earning such a high-level degree. I am a firm believer in earning all the degrees you desire and want to accomplish. With that comes with a responsibility of paving the way, creating a guidebook to educate scholars of color when one of us makes it! As I shared earlier, we are to learn collectively, and we are share our wisdom widely. Take what you need, leave what doesn’t fit you. But we should all talk about it, reflect about it, and learn about it from one another. If we are to take care of each other, especially as first-generation scholars, scholars of color, we are to understand that all knowledge is worth sharing to set up generational success, health, and wealth.

If you made it this far in my reflection, I thank you for committing your time to this series. So, I will close with this final piece. Shortly after my first reflection post, a very close colleague shared how proud she was of me for my reflection piece, she began to talk about the ways she has seen me ride the emotional rollercoaster over the years and is in awe of my growth and development. She specifically named how she values the authentic voice in my reflection and staying true to me, in my own style, and in my own way. My response to her was that being courageous and standing your own ground can also be very lonely. But the difference now is that I no longer feel the need to prove anything or need anyone’s approval to be me. To my readers, know and love yourself enough to own your worth so that nobody can impact you otherwise. Be the rose that grew from concrete: grow stronger, grow more beautifully, grow into the rose that survives and thrives despite what anyone believes (Tupac Shakur, 1971). So yes, we can acknowledge and talk about our collective and intersectional trauma of our generations, AND we must recognize that from trauma also comes a collective generational resilience and wisdom that has continually persevered through the disparities and marginalization.

?Last, but not least, I am often asked, how did you do, Lien? How did you manage a full-time job and focus on completing your dissertation during a pandemic? What is some advice would you offer to incoming doctoral students, or any scholar managing multiple responsibilities and expectations? ?Honestly, if you asked me month ago, I would have been awkwardly quiet, looking around, and said thanks, I don’t know, I just did it. Since I took some away, I can now share 4 strategies I implemented for you try out.

1. Dedication: Set time aside. Determine (2) dedicated writing days, (1) with a group of scholars, and (1) for your own writing time. This will hold accountability to yourself, and your community. Allow yourself a cheat day, and carve out time to write the reflection, read the article. Pro-tip: Cite as you write and alphabetize your references as you go. You won’t regret it. Also create boundaries! Establish them at work, at home, with family and friends. Tell them you need their support to stay focused, and this could look like sending me coffee, food, or motivational quotes to pick me up even when you don’t know if I am down. Don’t make things difficult when I say, “no”, or unable to participate in festivities or take on another project at work.
2. LOVE your research topic. From the findings of my pilot study, I knew immediately I feel in love what I discovered, not that it was ‘new’ knowledge, rather a story that’s never been told from a perspective of college age womxn of color; and their experiences and understanding trauma. I found purpose in elevating those narratives and could clearly write for hours about the intersectional trauma and the impacts on our sense of self/identity.
3. On-Call Support & Mentors: Even on good days, and even on my bad days, I had access to mentors who would answer my calls, texts, and facetime regardless of the hour. This support has carried me to the finish line because all I needed was someone to listen to me.
4. Discipline: Remind yourself, this is short term sacrifice for a long-time success. The hardest part of this journey is starting, and you have already started. The light is at the end of the tunnel, and every day you are getting closer to it. It is possible. Trust yourself enough to know that you will get there too. Plus, there’s no way out, so meet me at the end. I will be there cheering you on.

Additionally, here are the 7 things I infused into my healing practices that helped me. Some days I did them all, and some days I did none of them, but I stayed consistent on trying to start every day as a new day.

1. Recommended by a soul-sister, I invested into the power and healing energy of crystals. I placed them on my desk, nightstand, and under my pillow, I hold and release my emotions, fears, desire, and faith into various crystals to bring me healing, energy, and wisdom.
2. Reward yourself with the value of physical, mental, and emotional REST. Do absolutely nothing, but the bare basic needs (eat, sleep, shower). By default, some of us like to be “busy bodies”, and for me the overstimulation of “activities” or “hobbies” became an action step of distractions and avoidance from what I needed to recover and my reality.
3. Establish boundaries with my phone & social media. I set my phone to “Do Not Disturb” from 9pm-9am every day, with limited notifications, if necessary. This allowed me focused time to practice nightly routines, which helped me release and rest myself more intentionally in preparing for the evening and next day. Pour a cup of tea, have essential oils, and allow yourself to shed off negativity. The power of silence is golden.
4. Monthly reflexology appointments. This practice helps with flushing out toxins from the body and creates stimulation of energy throughout the body. Many of us hold stress and trauma in our body and caring for our physical body is just as important as our mental and emotional reparations.
5. Be intentional with your time, who you spend the time with, including yourself. In a world full of extroverts, I want to embrace the beautiful of being still and grateful for the purpose of life. This includes actively saying “no, not today”, and also, “yes, I would love to chat, thank you for thinking of me”.
6. Reflect with your squad. Identity 5 individuals that will be your support line, the ones you can call to debrief the day, laugh over old memories, hold you when you’re down, send you door dash; the ones that will pour into you, not the ones that drain you out.
7. Have faith. I am a affirm believer that I am exactly where I need to be, when I am supposed to be there. With every day, comes a blessing meant for me.

In closing this reflection, please remember, this not about a balancing act or getting to the finish liner. Rather, this process is about integrating the goals you want to meet and rewarding yourself in the moment. You are to celebrate the small wins and the big wins every moment, and never lose sight of who you are, where you want to be, and the potential you have inside of you. I encourage you all to own your truth, your power, and feel brave in your story, and to deconstruct society’s norms, family expectations, and the character of white supremacy, especially in the academy.

Until next Thursday, stay healthy and stay healing,

Dr. Lien K. Truong

Author’s Note: This reflection was inspired by and dedicated to my mentor and long-life friend, Dr. M.A.G.

References:

Eusuf, N. (2020, December 6). Congrats on your Phd! welcome to the Phd postpartum. Medium. Retrieved from https://medium.com/the-monocle-of-higher-ed/congrats-on-your-phd-welcome-to-the-phd-postpartum-eed41ef74045

Jones, A. M. (2021, May 13). Inside higher ed - Coping With Post defense Depression. Dealing with the mixed emotions of completing your Ph.D. (opinion). Retrieved from https://www.insidehighered.com/advice/2021/05/13/dealing-mixed-emotions-completing-your-phd-opinion?fbclid=IwAR10xoj9Qg07vd6F7UcXzT_NRGi2udD2Og-RCpOutIK-BjCnhG2wSvS-JeQ

Shakur, Tupac, 1971-1996. The rose that grew from concrete. New York: Pocket Books.