Thriving in high-stakes communication situations

“I didn’t appreciate that comment and don’t think you’re being fair” is what I once blurted out to my senior administrator after he described my project as “irrelevant” at the end of a meeting. Thinking back, I now realize it wasn’t the right time or place to confront him. I was angry and?embarrassed. I should have been strategic instead of emotional, requesting a private?follow-up that would have given me time to cool down and craft a strategic response, crucial?for high-stakes interactions.

You might ask, what exactly defines these situations? Obviously, the pressure of time is a big?factor and money is another. You also need to consider egos, emotions, tough topics, and?relationships (both good and bad). There’s also hierarchy, the 800-pound gorilla of the work world. I’m sure you’ve experienced the daunting situation of having to give feedback to a senior executive or, worse, having to ask them for something.

How can you make such communication less uncomfortable and improve the outcome??I recommend you follow the three steps described below: prepare, practice and power up!

PREPARE ?The more you own this preparation strategy, the more effective you’ll be in high-stakes situations that unexpectedly pop up or those requiring long-term consideration. The strategy comes from a popular model of communication that can be explained by asking you six questions about your high-stakes communication situation:

1. Who’s sending and who’s receiving the message? This can involve more than one person on each end of the equation. It’s important to consider that both the sender and audience/receiver may have pre-existing biases influencing them positively or negatively. The sender?of a message should take a moment to consider this possibility, gaining them the opportunity?to connect with the receiver and create a feeling of shared empathy about the situation.?When reacting to my superior, it might have been wiser for me to say, “Your comment about?our project takes me by surprise and doesn’t seem consistent with the values of our team.”

2. What is the channel of the message? Today’s world of multiple forms of virtual communication (synchronous or asynchronous) requires us to think harder. Should you ask for a face-to-face or virtual meeting? Should you preface it with an email asking to discuss the topic? Is it best or timelier to send a brief text on chat or Slack private message? Would a recorded voice memo be better for you to present your thoughts, allowing the receiver time to ponder your information? Choose the channel that best meets your situation and timeframe.

3. What is the core of your message? Part of understanding your receiver involves crafting a message that better speaks to their decision-making style. Do you need to include evidence that relates to user experiences or possibly add numbers and qualitative data? Will it help or distract to include comparisons to your competitors? The key is having the ability to move beyond the main message you’ve prepared and dive into the “why” of it.?

4. Is the timing right and is there any “noise?” Remember my opening story? It was problematic because I was impulsive; my message was emotional and not well-reasoned. The timing was bad because high stakes meetings at the end of a day, week or work-quarter are generally not good venues to bring up personal grievances. And there’s the distraction of “noise,” and not just something like a horn or siren. The Shannon-Weaver model of communication also includes internal?factors that may sabotage the understanding of the person you are communicating with. Perhaps they are distracted by current industry-wide events, major team projects or a personal challenge. In other words, what you think is important may be dwarfed by what is going in their head.

5. Any opportunity to get feedback? Face-to-face meetings provide a good opportunity for feedback, both verbal and non-verbal. An affirmative nod or a clarifying question both provide key information, generating questions or pushback that result in you learning something new. I advise that most high-stakes conversations occur face-to-face. It’s the best way to receive feedback.

6. Is this the right context? My impulsive comments at the end of the meeting failed to consider this question. It was risky to say even in private. It may have been better to wait and bring up later in a more neutral setting like a parking lot, conference room or a cafeteria. Even with?a hot-button issue, there may be times when it is more effective to wait until emotions are?cooled. The key is to determine the issue’s urgency and importance in the larger context,?both for yourself and the workplace.

PRACTICE? After you’ve addressed all the different communication factors in a high-stakes setting and once your message is determined, then comes practice time. Do it with people you trust and who know both your situation and the receiver. Practice with people whose feedback you value, those who author Brene Brown describes as being “in the arena.” They’re the ones who understand the circumstances and can appreciate the context and relationships of your situation. Feedback from such people is invaluable — make practicing with them a priority.

POWER UP? If the other two steps are strategic preparation, then this is go-time! You need to psych yourself up to go and deliver your message. In high-stakes situations, this is never easy. You will doubt your arguments and second guess yourself while finding reasons to delay and procrastinate. If it helps, let me remind you that tough events often require mental preparation and athletes are masters of this technique. My Resilience Strategies for Optimal Performance course includes a section on this. Athletes visualize their event from start to finish. They close their eyes, await the starting gun, and feel all the emotions of the event as if it were real. Many actually begin to experience physical changes like an increased heart rate or muscle tension. You may not be flying down a ski slope or kicking the winning soccer goal but you may be making a tough ask, delivering hard news or?pushing back on someone in a higher position than you. Take the time to set the stage and visualize yourself facing your receiver. See yourself with confident posture, well timed hand gestures that clearly communicate your message. Imagine yourself speaking your message and, just like athletes, take deep breaths to settle yourself. Remember that success with these drills comes from preparation.

Communicating in high-stakes situations can be overwhelming. Please know that with preparation, practice and a strong power-up attitude, you can make yours not only tolerable, but a successful event.?I would love to hear your story (without incriminating any higher-ups). Would it have helped you to have practiced these steps? Or, would you care for advice about an upcoming situation? Don’t hesitate to post your insights or questions!

Live Office Hours?- Don’t miss the live chat on Wednesday, Aug. 24th at 2pm EST on this?same topic. Brenda Bailey Hughes and I (celebrating our Communication Foundations course?making it onto LinkedIn’s Global Top 20 !) will both take your questions on standing up for?yourself in high-stakes situations when you need to communicate effectively and gracefully.?JOIN US by signing up here .

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