Three Ways We Close our Hearts, Limit our Lives, and Wreak Havoc at Work

As a child I loved summer camp under the towering Bristlecone Pine trees in Western Montana. A proud Camp Fire Girl, I spent the days eagerly earning badges and the nights by the campfire, singing and performing skits.

One of my favorite skits featured a Villain, a Victim, and a Hero. The Victim was a young woman, with a high voice and cute hair bow being threatened with eviction by the mean landlord with his gravelly voice and mustache. The Hero arrived with his sonorous voice and bow tie to save the day. The script started with the young woman bemoaning her fate:

“I can’t pay the rent!”

“You must pay the rent.”

“I can’t pay the rent!”

“You must pay the rent.”

“I’ll pay the rent!”

“My Hero…”

The scenario is outdated, of course, but the roles of Villain, Victim, and Hero are alive and well.? Lately I’m aware of watching them play out in real-time conversations; in fact, they’re constantly influencing the dynamics in families, teams, and organizations as we face an upsurge in COVID 19 cases, conflicts about the vaccine and wearing masks, and the unprecedented heat, fires, and floods of climate change.

If the three roles are so common, is there a problem? In our upcoming Courage of the Heart program, we explore the ways these roles diminish our confidence, set up relationships that don’t work, and keep us going at a relentless pace that leaves little time for self-care.

In this blog I explore how these roles play out in life and at work - what they get us and what they cost us. The blind spots they create, the habitual tendencies they put in motion. In the next blog we’ll see how to flip the narrative by engaging three parallel roles for decidedly different results.

The Unconscious Triangle of Interactions As it turns out my childhood skit correlates with something aptly named the Drama Triangle, with the three familiar roles of Victim, Villain, and Hero.

Originally developed and authored by Stephen Karpman, M.D., Jim Dethmer and Diana Chapman of the Conscious Leadership Group apply the triangle to the destructive interactions that occur in families, work teams, national systems, and most damaging of all, in our own thinking.

Dr. Karpman’s theory is that when operating within the Drama Triangle we think like and play out the three roles of Persecutor (Villain), Hero (Rescuer) or Victim. He discovered that we typically start at one point on the triangle in our most familiar role and shift from one role to another in cycles of reaction.

I imagine that we learned these roles early on. The grooves are deep and repetitive; we find ourselves in loops, running into the same issues. All three of these roles set off an emotional series of events and reactions. Some of us seem drawn to the drama, enjoy the excitement, the adrenaline rush, the theatrics of it all.

Based in a desire to avoid internal discomfort or anxiety, none of the three roles take personal responsibility for positive change. Typically, they all drive high levels of conflict, unhappiness, and gamesmanship because of the power struggles that ensue.

The Daily Om blog points out how Dispelling Drama begins when we come to grips with the side effects of our emotional response to difficult situations, and the purpose drama serves in our life.

As you read through these examples, consider who in your life typically plays out each role. Observe your responses. Which roles are you acquainted with, even proficient in? Which roles do you rebuff, judge, or steer clear of?

Leadership Team Discovery

When a client brought me in to help plan a leadership succession, I introduced this model to mirror Senior Management team interactions. The CEO admitted that he typically started in the Persecutor (Villain) role. When something unexpected happened, he looked for someone to blame. The leadership team confirmed the piercing nature of his often insightful, but tough-to-swallow, accusing comments.

Another member of the team spoke about the payoff she enjoyed when demonstrating her prowess, intelligence, and just plain good ideas as the Hero (Rescuer). Others agreed they preferred the kudos they got in the Hero role.

As top-performing professionals, they avoided playing the Victim. Victimhood didn’t fit their identity. They hated the feeling of powerlessness when a top performer left, or another department disturbed their carefully laid plans. Allowing only a moment of self-pity, they reverted to the more comfortable role of Persecutor: pointing fingers, expressing frustration, or aggressively shifting strategy.

They all agreed that sooner or later, playing out the Drama Triangle generates misery and discomfort for everyone. Corrosive in relationships, all three roles narrow thinking, shut off listening, limit collaboration, destroy empathy, and drive inauthentic communication. They close our hearts. Research shows that caught in the drama we don’t or can’t use our personal power to creatively address critical issues or launch inspiring initiatives.

Which Role is Most Familiar to You?

Victim Obviously, there are real victims of abuse, the climate crisis, and political oppression. This Victim role does not represent an actual victim, but rather someone feeling or acting like one. As the Victim, our go-to response might be to look pathetic, cowed, long suffering. Over and over, from a“Poor me” mindset we feel helpless. We complain about life not working for us in even mundane ways: apps too tough to navigate, shampoo bottles with print too small to read. It’s easy to feel like a victim of circumstances, to look for sympathy once we trigger the Victim mindset. Eventually, as the Victim we might lock in an identity as a loser, pushover, or scapegoat.

Villain/Persecutor As the Persecutor, “It’s your fault” fills our conversations of blame and critical comments. We try to dominate by tyrannizing others, sharply judging, or aggressively responding with barbed questions.?When fearful of losing control, we might discharge pain or discomfort onto others. Over time we can solidify an identity as the intimidating authoritarian who knocks heads together to get things done. For many professionals, this was how they were trained to manage.

Even nice smart people can be Persecutors. In a recent short animation Brené Brown outed herself as a blamer.

Hero/Rescuer The Hero wants to be known as the champion, star, or principal character in the play of life with a repeated refrain of “Let me help you.” As the rescuer, we spend our life saving others from discomfort, danger or distress, even at high cost to ourselves. We compulsively avoid our own anxiety and issues by going out of our way to liberate others from their troubles. Even when they say no thank you, we can’t help ourselves. We love the rewards that come from lending a helping hand, bailing them out, or even saving their neck. Advice is free! You don’t even need to ask.

Role Switching Happens in a Nano Second ?

While research shows that we start in one familiar or “home” role, we switch roles, moving around the triangle. A participant in our April Courage of the Heart program told us about walking into an industry conference. An old internal victim voice surfaced 7th grade stories about being “not smart.” Touching an old pocket of shame, she retreated. That made her mad. Shifting into her Persecutor/Villain role, she strode over assertively pushing her way into the conversation. Being judgmental is another face of the Persecutor. Her internal dialogue criticized their clothes, hairstyle, and conversation. To dodge her discomfort, she slipped into the magnanimous Hero role and offered to take them all out for drinks after the meeting.

The Pay off and the Costs?

Again and again, we play out this triangle of drama, enlisting others to join us. Why? All three roles have a payoff. In addition to feeling familiar, even comfortable, we’ve benefited in the past. As the Victim others took pity and gave extra help. As the Persecutor, we got to discharge anger and lauded for aggressively taking initiative. And, as the Hero/Rescuer the kudos just keep rolling in for all the ways we selflessly help.

While all of these are normal responses, when they become our automatic go-to cycle of reaction, they limit the breadth of wisdom, power, and influence we wield. The love we enjoy. As conscious leaders, increased awareness of these habitual tendencies, gives us the freedom to make different choices.

The path to change is straightforward, but not necessarily easy at first. The following steps can be applied personally, in any relationship, or in a team. As you work through these four steps, you’ll begin to reveal unconscious habitual patterns and make conscious leadership possible.

1. Notice your familiar starting place, how one of the roles on the triangle seems normal, habitual, even run-of-the-mill. For instance, One client admitted that his customary role as Victim set up a self-imposed leadership ceiling. His gloomy “they never listen to me” dialogue stopped him from taking a stand for a socially responsible supply chain, even though he had done the research and was ready to propose a pivot to senior management.
2. Explore the benefits and costs: What does it get you – attention, kudos, reactions? And what does it cost you – relationships, intimacy, productivity? What are the unintended consequences? A project manager discovered his predicament, “If I were not the Rescuer, I would have a big piece of my identity and self-worth taken from me. Would people still like me? But then again, wouldn’t they like me more if I didn’t always act like they needed me to save them?”
3. Discover how you move around the 3 roles: Typically, what role do you take on next? And after that? A sales manager observed that she is familiar with the Persecutor role as a critical micro-manager. With push back, she shifts to the Rescuer, showing them how they need her to succeed. When her largess is not recognized, she becomes the Victim, with a “no one appreciates me” attitude.
4. Consider - Are you willing to change? Does your pattern serve you? Slow you down? Or move you into effective action on your priorities?

As you watch others play out the roles, notice that the equation is consistent and logical: playing out those roles we experience certain reactions. These roles become blind spots: drive unproductive teams, produce toxic workplace cultures, and result in unforeseen global repercussions.

For every leader and organization, the stakes are high. Carter Roberts, President & CEO, of World Wildlife Fund identified the thresholds, or tipping points we face in a recent President’s Letter:

We now know that as we change our climate and destroy forests, coral reefs, and ocean chemistry, we risk breaking these systems. Break them beyond a certain point, and they can no longer recover or function normally.

We need to bring our best selves to reversing and regenerating the ecosystems on which our very lives depend. It’s up to each of us to mindfully set up the conditions for a calm internal state and promote conscious awareness as we lead.

To be more courageous, but not from forced aggression or relentless exhausting tenacity. Kindling the courage of our hearts we propel positive and sustainable actions.

In a next blog I’ll explore three alternative roles that take us out of the perpetual drama. These three roles can also become second nature. Opening the door to greater intelligence, trustworthy communication, and personal courage we can stand together at the thresholds and shape a different future.