Three ways not to start a conversation

“Your should” - “Can I” - “I’ll try” : I don’t remember when and how I learned to start sentences with these words; but I need to “unlearn” them. They don’t serve the people I am communicating with, and they don’t serve me.?

“You should”:When people share their vulnerabilities with me in a search for support and empathy, it is too easy for me to try to fix the issue(s), particularly when one says, “I don’t know what to do.” The instinctive response is to reply, “you should….” But that response is not empathetic listening; it is lecturing. Your audience does not want to be told what to do, anymore than you do. So what’s the correct response? There is no perfect answer. My suggestion is to? leave the pronoun “you” out of the discourse and substitute the personal pronoun “I” or “me”. Example, “my experience” of a similar situation was…and this is how I managed it.”

“Can I” - we’ve all heard the cynical comeback: “I don’t know, can you?’ I am requesting permission or agreement to do something, not verification of physical ability. I effortly stop and substitute “may I” when seeking permission because even though “may I” sounds to me like I am coming from a position of weakness. But in fact, speaking “may I”actually comes from a position of strength because I am taking ownership of the request, and my audience must, in reply, take responsibility for their answer.

“I’ll try” - the most common cop-out in corporate conversations. Again, the cynical comeback: “Try to lift this pencil.” Usually, “I’ll try” is code for anything between “I really have no interest in doing what you ask”, to “I have limited or no knowledge in how to complete the task you want me to do.” Again, it is a matter of ownership and responsibility. Instead of “I’ll try”, speak what’s true for you: “I cannot commit to that timeline”, “that’s not what I do best and I will assist others who could do better,” or if you work in a truly safe environment, “My plate is full.”?

Changing speech takes attention and effort. The good news is that, like exercise, it pays dividends and I feel better having made the change. Try it out, and share your outcome in the Comments.