Three Ways of Expertly Saying "No"

Why is it so hard to say “no” to someone?

We like being helpful so declining something can feel harsh. But saying “no” is not about being mean or not being a team player, it’s about?setting and reinforcing boundaries.

Owning this perspective changed my life: you can’t control how others feel. If someone is upset because you can’t do something that?they want, then that is?their problem,?not yours. This doesn’t give you a license to be a jerk. There is a wide spectrum between being selfish and draining yourself for others.

Within that spectrum, there are three alternative ways of saying “no," being helpful, and without saying the word all at the same time.

1. Pause.

Your boss, colleague, or partner asks you to take on a new task. Instantly, you know it will add stress to your workload.

Instead of agreeing right away, pause, and say?“Let me think about it.”?

Oftentimes people will either figure out what they need on their own or they will forget about what they asked for entirely if it wasn't important.

Don’t feel obligated to give an answer right away. Give yourself time to absorb and process.

I once read about a CEO who rarely responded to the first email she received about a particular subject. She said that if the matter was really important, the person will send a second email or come find her.

Even if you’re not the CEO of a company, you are the boss of your time. That CEO recognized the value of her time so she was selective of how she spent it. Her team members relied on her to focus on being CEO, not to jump at every request.

Your time is expensive too, no matter your job title or how much you get paid.

2. Delegate.

But let's say the request was necessary. Your boss, colleague, or partner came back and wants to know if you thought about what they asked for.

How do you respond?

Like this: “Could you?tell me more?about your request? I want to understand it better.”

This will make the other person feel heard and valued. This helps you to understand the real problem. The solution could work itself out in a short conversation. If the task requires more labor, suppress the instinct to be the first volunteer.

If the task is not the best use of your time, then you are letting you and your team down.

Instead, empower the other person to take on the task. “Wow, it sounds like you’ve really thought this through! Do you want to take the first go at it and come back to me so we can look over it together?”

If they respond with “I don’t have time,” then suggest someone else who might be a better fit, or ask them to follow up with you at a later date.

But if they continue to insist that?you?are the best person to take on this task?right now, then it’s time to put on the gorilla suit.

3. Realign.

You’re at this point because you’ve tried pauing and delegating, but you’re still being asked to do extra work. Here is what you should say:

“I understand that you want me to take on this task, but?this is my current priority. If I take on this new task, then my current priority will not meet expectations.”

Then go silent.

Let the other person respond. Rarely someone will say “That work you’re doing doesn’t matter.” If they?do?say that, then find out why you were tasked with unnecessary work.

People won’t know your boundaries unless you tell them. By being transparent and honest, you and your colleague can realign expectations with a collaborative mindset.

Doing less doesn’t make you less valuable. People who seem to ‘do it all’ are suffering in other parts of their lives.

Did you notice how the word “no” wasn’t used at all in these three techniques? That’s the beauty in it. These techniques might not be as quick as just saying “yes” or “no," but they could save you unnecessary work in the long-term.

Think of those extra minutes as an investment for your sanity.

Whether you’re learning how to say “no” more often at work or in your personal life, experiment with these three techniques to see what works best for you.

Saying "no" is simple but not easy. What are some ways you have gotten more comfortable with saying no? Share your stories in the comments below.