Three Ways Being a Parent Made Me a Better Leader

I’ve recently entered the empty nest stage of life. The house seems too quiet these days (although a bit cleaner), which has given me plenty of time for reflection. What has become clear is that many of the lessons that I’ve learned from being a parent apply equally to the work environment.

Here are three things I’ve learned from being a parent that help guide my work as a leader of teams as well. 

Watching You: 

I can’t count the number of times I’ve sat with my daughters and tried to offer advice or counsel – only to have them choose to do the exact opposite. My wife refers to these moments as “like father, like daughter.” Fair enough! Yet, more often I’ve enjoyed seeing my daughters do things we’ve never talked about, and when asked where they learned to do that, they tell us that they watched me, or their mother, do it that way. For better or worse, our children learn from what we do, and not necessarily what we say. The same dynamic has proven to be true in leadership. Our teams will pay more attention to what we do than what we say. It’s referred to as a “say-do ratio” – they watch to see if our words and our actions match – the questions we ask, where we spend our time, where we allocate our resources, and the values we exhibit in our daily practice. Leaders, like parents, can set the tallest standard or cast the darkest shadow, all through our actions. Always be mindful of your choices and your actions, because people are watching.

Experience is the Best Teacher: 

As a parent, I’ve sought to shield my children from injury or disappointment. It is often an overpowering urge as a parent to be protective. If they would have only listened. But reality is as Mark Twain once reflected, “when I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” Sometimes experience is the best teacher. Take jumping on the bed as an example. When my kids were younger, I could see that it was not safe. Yet no matter how many times we warned our daughters, it wasn’t until one of them bumped into the headboard that they actually changed their behavior. The underlying lesson can also be true for people on your team. Sometimes people learn best by doing, even if it means they must fail in order to learn. Fight the urge to be overprotective as a leader. If an action is not going to materially hurt the organization, it is best to let teams learn for themselves, even if it comes with some bumps and bruises. They usually won’t make the same mistake twice, so encourage them to go make new mistakes, because that’s how we often learn life’s greatest lessons. 

Letting Go:

There is a paradox to parenting that I had not imagined. Our aim has been to prepare our daughters to be strong and independent. What wasn’t clear at the time was the more successful we were as parents, the less our children would need us. So while I am deeply proud of their independence, I miss them terribly. The same dynamic has been true with team members I’ve worked with who have developed, grown and ultimately moved on. It can hurt a little, but in the end, I’ve learned to let go and recognize that helping them grow was the goal all along. Besides, if we do our job correctly, they’ll appreciate who helped them get to where they are going, and perhaps they’ll pay it forward.  

One Bonus Reflection:

For those who may still be in the midst of the “child-rearing years,” or for those who may be a bit stressed with the day-to-day trials of leading a team – trust me when I say that the days may seem long, but the years will fly by. So my bonus reflection is this – be present, be appreciative, and enjoy the ride. Because like most thrill rides, most of us would gladly exit the ride once it is over and rush to get back in line … if it were only an option.