Three Voices in Your Head to Ignore

Who is in your head? Who is controlling your thoughts? You may instinctively think that you are in control, but often many have handed the responsibility of managing their lives to others. These “others” may be based on people who exist[ed] around them or they could be completely made up. Tell me this…

1. Have you wanted to do something, anything for a long time, but a voice inside consistently talks you out of it?
2. Do you constantly hear what you think others may say about your decisions or capabilities?
3. Do you regularly flash back to past experiences or comments spoken to you when thinking of taking a risk?

If you answered “yes” to any of these, you likely need to take back control. The voices in your head may have been created to affirm the negative beliefs you have about yourself. They could also have been created to protect you from rejection or failure. The hard truth is you will not experience real success or acceptance without at some point experiencing the discomfort of rejection or failure.

The only way to truly live a happy and fulfilled life is to follow your own lead, not others. This requires you understand who is in your head. Let’s explore three possibilities.

Your Parents

I always say, “parenting is the ultimate social experiment.” All parents are going to leave their children with the feeling that something could’ve been better in their childhood and you are no exception. So, don’t be too hard on your parents. Your parents taught you about safety, security, and success. This helped you survive, but anything overused becomes a problem.

Your parents constantly pushed you to be better.

They wanted you to succeed. Their intentions were good, but the execution may have left you feeling you were never good enough. Now, when you achieve a goal, you can never truly celebrate it or feel proud of yourself. You can hear them explaining how you could have been even better.

Your parents always stressed safety.

They wanted you to be safe. Again, their intentions were good, but now you may have difficulty taking risks. You can hear them listing everything that?could?go wrong and it stops you before you get started.

Your parents meant well, but often their teaching were rooted in their experiences. When it comes to your parents, you can always reflect on what they taught you, but now you get the final say. The core messages/values may apply, but the application will need to be different for the adult you. You don’t have to ignore or eliminate these voices, but recognize when you are hearing them and put it into the context of what is truly best for you right now, in this moment.

Your Imaginary Friends

Imaginary friends are for kids, right? Maybe, but, if you really think about it, do you have any? They may or may not have a name, but they have a front row seat in your brain. Think about it for a second… When you are about to start something new and exciting, do you think, “they are going to think?[fill in blank]?about me.” These imaginary friends are not truly your friends, but more like your frienemies. They judge you, shame you, and keep a running record of every mistake you ever made. These imaginary friends are your way of projecting your negative beliefs about yourself onto others.

Voices based on people you know.

Your imaginary friends can be based on real people. They could be based on your present/past friends, schoolmates, coworkers, etc. Here’s an example of what I’ve seen many times. A woman wants to start a business. She is passionate about the business, but the dialogue in her head stops her from taking the steps needed to be successful.

Woman: I want to start a business. I think I have a unique perspective that will be valuable to others.

Her Friends in Her Head: Why would you want to do that? You have a good job. Just stay in your lane.

Her Friends in Real Life (if/when she shares with them): That’s a great idea! Let me know how I can help.

Her Friends in Her Head: I only told her what she wanted to hear.

When your imaginary friends are based on your real friends, skip the internal dialogue, talk to your friends, and take them at their word. If your friends are usually honest with you, there is no reason they are not being honest now. They will likely provide you with valuable feedback, resources, or support. If you have friends that are truly only negative when you discuss your goals, one of two things need to happen.

1. If your friend is naturally risk adverse and means no harm, this is not an issue you need to fix. You may mention it to your friend to create awareness, but also set boundaries on what you share with them.
2. If your friend just never supports you, then they may not be your friend.

Voices based on people you don’t know.

Social media is a great tool to stay connected and find endless sources of inspiration, but, for many, it can be where self-confidence goes to die and faceless strangers thrive on “speaking their mind” about people they have never met. This new virtual ecosystem can leave the net and implant itself in our minds. Before we make a decision, we mentally rehearse what these strangers will say. Again, I’ve seen it plenty of times.

Woman: I want to start a blog.

Strangers in Her Head: What makes her an expert?

Strangers in Her Head: She is a horrible writer.

Strangers in Real Life: I can relate to this content. I really needed to hear this.

Also Strangers in Real Life: [Don’t waste time try to figure this out. Some people don’t deserve your attention.]

There’s absolutely no point in trying to satisfy every random person online or in person. Let it go! Do what you want. Do what you need to do for you. If you have to, create boundaries around your social media so that it doesn’t disturb your peace or progress.

Your Inner Critic

Here’s the hard truth, no matter who’s voice you are hearing in your head, it is ultimately your inner critic taking different forms to convince yourself that you are not enough. The other voices simply are the background singers to the lead, you. Here are a few concepts you need to get extremely clear with:

Degradation vs. Inspiration

We are not living in complete isolation. We are connected to others now more than any time in history. When you are at work, on social media, or absolutely anywhere you show up in the world, you will come across people doing things differently than you. The key is to be extremely intentional about finding inspiration versus degradation.

Self-degradation?is massively unproductive and harmful. This can show up when you observe someone doing something great and it makes you feel small and unworthy. This stops you from pursuing your goals or purpose.

Inspiration?is amazingly productive. It is when you can observe someone doing something positive and be genuinely happy for them. From that, you are encouraged to continue your own journey.

Choose inspiration. It’s ok to learn from others and want aspects of what others have. You just have to frame your observations of others in a positive, empowering light.

Hostility vs. Honesty

We often think being “honest” with ourselves and others is telling a truth that the person doesn’t want to hear. That’s not always true. Often we neglect telling ourselves the truths that will empower us, while readily telling “truths” that hurt us.

Hostility?can be a form of abuse. Name calling and judgements chip away at your self-esteem. Hostility serves no purpose to your vision, goals, or wellbeing.

Honesty?is critical to your well-being. When you engage with honesty, the door opens to progress.

A common phrase I hear in coaching is, “I am lazy.” This is a hostile judgement. It degrades the person, leaving them feeling less than. It also difficult to solve. How do you specifically cure laziness? This presents a barrier to progress. When I dig in with clients, the truth is, “I am tired and can’t take on anything else.” This statement not only acknowledges the reality, but leads into a discussion of possible solutions. Maybe this can be solved with sleep, clear priorities, or time management.

It can be easy to confuse hostility and honesty. Something honest can feel hostile if not handled with care. Something hostile can feel like honesty when it’s presented with assurance. If the voices in your head lean towards hostile, start questioning them… Why am I hearing this? Is this honest or hostile? Why is this true or not true?

Fear vs. Faith

This is not about your specific religion, but rather the strength of your belief. When you are having those conversations in your head, when you are making decisions, when you are taking action, are you acting in fear or faith?

Fear, when given too much power, causes indecisiveness and inaction. When you act in fear, you will start from a limited position and then envision any other possible limitations that may arise. You are often not being honest about your capabilities, strengths, or past accomplishments. You may also over estimate the impact of a perceived failure.

Faith?means that you recognize the wealth of positive possibilities available. You have a deep understanding of your capabilities and how to supplement them when needed. You can see where you want to go and imagine multiple paths to get there.

If you find that your thoughts are operating in the realm of fear, check yourself. Are you being honest with yourself about the risk or hostile towards your ambitions? Are you acting in inspiration or degrading yourself? How can you move to a more positive headspace? What’s one small step you can take with confidence?

You are in Control

If you remember nothing else, remember that you are in control of your thoughts. And you make the ultimate decision of how much power you give each voice in your head. Just as you may correct/guide your child or advise a friend, take a compassionate approach to redirecting your thoughts when they are not serving your greater good. Focus on the thoughts that provide positive reinforcement and lead you to being your best self.